Resolution
I had problems breathing today. My heart ached and my countenance was heavy. It took some effort to remove the frown from my face. I was speechless and felt defeated, rejected. Yet there was no space for confrontation, because that could mean even further rejection. I'm not sure if I could deal with deeper blows. I don't enjoy analyzing either because it makes me feel petty and calculative, but I've given in so much that I feel I'm losing myself. And sometimes that's what's needed because I need to make sense of everything.
Perhaps I took it upon myself. I have learnt recently not to play the blame game even when I'm the one getting hurt and be responsible for my own action. Whining is ok for awhile, but it won't help unless I do something about it. That, I learnt recently, too. And I despise self-pity...so I won't want to go there either.
The only way out of this was to rationalize and not be controlled by my emotions. Emo-ing can be quite paralyzing. So I did some thinking, digged deep and laid my heart bare to God. No point giving myself excuses if the fault lies with me because that's not going to help. So tell me, Father God, what was my mistake? How do I get myself out of this emotional roller-coaster? I asked God to search my heart, my intentions.
I found the answer.
Diagnosis: Discrepancy in expectation. The level of friendship I wanted to develop is not reciprocated, because the goal is not mutual. How can two people walk together unless they agree to do so? (Amos 3:3) It's so true. There wasn't any spoken agreement. So far, I've just been going along with the terms as it goes. It has been a period of trial-and-error because it's something new to me. So many things were left to the unspoken and with that there were much uncertainty and insecurity. I didn't even know what to expect. No expectations means no commitment.
At this point, I let out a sigh. Not a sigh of hopelessness, but a sigh of resolution. You know, the kind of sigh where you tell yourself, "Ok, this is what I'm going to do..."
And this is what I'm going to do. I'm just gonna move on. I have my own lack in my capability to love and accept love, too. More so in the latter. Somehow there's a fear that arises within me when people try to get too close. I believe this weakness has hindered my relationship with God. I desire to go deeper, yet there always seem to be a barrier.
But things are going to be different from now on. Reading the book "Experiencing Father's Embrace" has revealed important truths about how I have become the way I am. I'm going to allow God to deal with this part of me so that I can really grow deep and not let my past experience with my own dad (and others) be a hinderance to developing intimacy with my Father in heaven or with those who are trying to reach in. I tremble a little at the thought, but that will be dealt with, I'm sure.
On hindsight I realised that I'm so blessed to have known God as my Father. I am certain that I wouldn't have been able to open my heart to love others the way I do now had He not been doing His work in me faithfully and lovingly.
So as I was saying...I'm going to move on. And if at anytime (and I mean, anytime) you find yourself ready to catch up, I'd be there for you. I've not given up yet because you still have a special place in my heart. Love hopes all things.
Perhaps I took it upon myself. I have learnt recently not to play the blame game even when I'm the one getting hurt and be responsible for my own action. Whining is ok for awhile, but it won't help unless I do something about it. That, I learnt recently, too. And I despise self-pity...so I won't want to go there either.
The only way out of this was to rationalize and not be controlled by my emotions. Emo-ing can be quite paralyzing. So I did some thinking, digged deep and laid my heart bare to God. No point giving myself excuses if the fault lies with me because that's not going to help. So tell me, Father God, what was my mistake? How do I get myself out of this emotional roller-coaster? I asked God to search my heart, my intentions.
I found the answer.
Diagnosis: Discrepancy in expectation. The level of friendship I wanted to develop is not reciprocated, because the goal is not mutual. How can two people walk together unless they agree to do so? (Amos 3:3) It's so true. There wasn't any spoken agreement. So far, I've just been going along with the terms as it goes. It has been a period of trial-and-error because it's something new to me. So many things were left to the unspoken and with that there were much uncertainty and insecurity. I didn't even know what to expect. No expectations means no commitment.
At this point, I let out a sigh. Not a sigh of hopelessness, but a sigh of resolution. You know, the kind of sigh where you tell yourself, "Ok, this is what I'm going to do..."
And this is what I'm going to do. I'm just gonna move on. I have my own lack in my capability to love and accept love, too. More so in the latter. Somehow there's a fear that arises within me when people try to get too close. I believe this weakness has hindered my relationship with God. I desire to go deeper, yet there always seem to be a barrier.
But things are going to be different from now on. Reading the book "Experiencing Father's Embrace" has revealed important truths about how I have become the way I am. I'm going to allow God to deal with this part of me so that I can really grow deep and not let my past experience with my own dad (and others) be a hinderance to developing intimacy with my Father in heaven or with those who are trying to reach in. I tremble a little at the thought, but that will be dealt with, I'm sure.
On hindsight I realised that I'm so blessed to have known God as my Father. I am certain that I wouldn't have been able to open my heart to love others the way I do now had He not been doing His work in me faithfully and lovingly.
So as I was saying...I'm going to move on. And if at anytime (and I mean, anytime) you find yourself ready to catch up, I'd be there for you. I've not given up yet because you still have a special place in my heart. Love hopes all things.
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