God knows I need it. I'm desperate, more than I can admit it. More than I am conscious of it. Only God knows how much I am dying without it.
And I felt it today. He did not let me go. He did not leave me alone in "Numb Numb Ville". It's strange to say this, and even sounds a bit cheesy. But I feel that He went there to find me. I got lost and He found me. His hope led me out, giving me the courage to move out of the counterfeits and into what could really satisfy.
Let Your compassion fill my heart and awaken my soul. May I desire more and more each day to see You glorified in me and through me. Help me to stop being so caught up with my own needs. Open my eyes to see the world through Yours and enlarge my heart to understand what breaks Yours. Compel me to go. Get me out of my complacency and apathy, and respond to what really matters.
Jesus, You are the Way, the Truth and the Life. Let me not settle for anything less.
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Friday, 29 January 2010
Numb Numb Ville
I read about it in one of Jack Frost's book - Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship. I think it was a state of mind. Anyway, I'm still in the first chapter. But this 'Numb Numb Ville' kinda describes the state I've been in and out of for some time now. And while in it, all sorts of issues emerge and compound on one another to further complications and confusion. Just when I managed to get out of it, it sucks me in again.
Get me out of this rut. Or if I'm meant to be in it to learn something, let me feel You with me. And tell me once in a while, that everything's gonna be alright. I feel like I'm trying to make sense even of the norm, as if there's more to it than meets the eye. Help me to focus.
I suddenly remembered what triggered the frequent visits to 'Numb Numb Ville'. Trust. Someone had betrayed my trust. And it was not some life and death issue. You can say that it was a white lie, or a cover up to appear to be wise. I think "That's why..." has been used too loosely.
Are you sure that's why? Or are you just taking credit as your own because it happened that way? Don't act smart if you didn't think of it in the first place. Don't steal credits as if you knew it all along and say you planned it so it turned out "just the way you wanted".
My heart aches as I shout this out. It aches because it's torn. I take trust very personally. And when I give it, it is personal too. How can trust not be personal? It is made impersonal with paper contract. People would rather have themselves to fall back on than to appear foolish for mistrusting.
My heart aches because after being betrayed, I know it will make it harder to trust again. It is tiring to be suspicious and on the alert all the time. It's tiring. I hate it. I hate to have to trust someone with the expectation that they would fail you. This sentence doesn't make sense, does it? Or does it?
Is that what entering God's rest is all about? Because it is in Him that one can fully trust without being fear of betrayal. It is trusting that He will not reject me when I choose to lean on Him. It is in Him that one can truly rest, cry, love, adore, worship. It doesn't just feel good. It feels right. It IS right. Perfect. Perfect rest. Perfect love cast out all fears.
Maybe I'm in 'Numb Numb Ville' out of fear. Fear of getting my head out of my turtle shell only to be chopped off. How can anyone be alert enough? Apathy. Detachment. Stop! Go away! NOW!!!
Get me out of this rut. Or if I'm meant to be in it to learn something, let me feel You with me. And tell me once in a while, that everything's gonna be alright. I feel like I'm trying to make sense even of the norm, as if there's more to it than meets the eye. Help me to focus.
I suddenly remembered what triggered the frequent visits to 'Numb Numb Ville'. Trust. Someone had betrayed my trust. And it was not some life and death issue. You can say that it was a white lie, or a cover up to appear to be wise. I think "That's why..." has been used too loosely.
Are you sure that's why? Or are you just taking credit as your own because it happened that way? Don't act smart if you didn't think of it in the first place. Don't steal credits as if you knew it all along and say you planned it so it turned out "just the way you wanted".
My heart aches as I shout this out. It aches because it's torn. I take trust very personally. And when I give it, it is personal too. How can trust not be personal? It is made impersonal with paper contract. People would rather have themselves to fall back on than to appear foolish for mistrusting.
My heart aches because after being betrayed, I know it will make it harder to trust again. It is tiring to be suspicious and on the alert all the time. It's tiring. I hate it. I hate to have to trust someone with the expectation that they would fail you. This sentence doesn't make sense, does it? Or does it?
Is that what entering God's rest is all about? Because it is in Him that one can fully trust without being fear of betrayal. It is trusting that He will not reject me when I choose to lean on Him. It is in Him that one can truly rest, cry, love, adore, worship. It doesn't just feel good. It feels right. It IS right. Perfect. Perfect rest. Perfect love cast out all fears.
Maybe I'm in 'Numb Numb Ville' out of fear. Fear of getting my head out of my turtle shell only to be chopped off. How can anyone be alert enough? Apathy. Detachment. Stop! Go away! NOW!!!
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
A Matter On Giving And Taking
Had quite a temperature yesterday. Subsided in the early morning but still not well enough to get myself to the office today. 2 days MC - haven't had that for a while.
Slept almost the whole day yesterday and only got out of bed to see the doctor at the clinic downstairs, eat medicine, ate the porridge that dad came by to cook for me. He said he rushed over in a cab when mom called him. So sweet. Was really appreciative so I made myself eat a little while he was still around even though my stomach didn't feel up to it at that point. Anyway I hadn't eaten anything the whole day. But by the end of the night, I did manage to finish up the whole mega bowl of mince pork porridge and 2/3 pot of plain porridge with a big slice of steamed fish. Then it was back to bed again.
On hindsight, I'm really glad I ate all the porridge cos I just realised that I haven't been drinking water that much. I was probably dehydrating.
Mom has been in the hospital for the whole of last week for a major op. She's discharging today and will be staying at Peck's, without her usual coming back home over the weekend, probably till after Lunar New Year. Going there for reunion dinner for sure. Have been visiting her a few times at the hospital (SGH), chatting with her, getting her usual mumbling about how I should really take care of my health, to spend wisely. Since I'm not married and have no children, it would be difficult for me when I get old, blah blah blah.
Strangely, what she said kinda did it this time even though I dreaded listening to her nagging. Perhaps it was because I couldn't bear to retort due to her condition that her advice sank in more easily. Yes, there are some areas I could ease off a little. I should cut back on restaurants and fast food. Both for wealth and health reasons. Surely food court is good enough. School canteen is the best. Think about it, most working adults in Singapore need to tackle the lunchtime crowd for more expensive food when all I need to do is to get to the canteen 10 mins before lunchtime and takeaway. I actually prefer to eat in.
I gotta be careful not to depend on credit cards too much... maybe only use them when there's discounts?
Eating too late is another problem. Sometimes I wonder if I eat late cos I can't sleep or the other way round. It's becoming a habit since I started supper-ing with my students a few years ago. Oh gosh, a few years ago! Imagine the damaged done. Stop!!!
Well, at the end of the day, it is to be a good steward of what God has given me. He gave me the health to work and acquire the wealth allocated to me with the job He has provided. Not that I should live like a kiam-ka-nah. I'm a child of the living God. He's a generous God who clothed the lilies of the valleys and feeds the sparrows and gives peanuts to the squirrels (???). God doesn't need to impress anybody. He gave because He can and He cares.
We should care, too. It's just that sometimes we care more about impressing or getting approval from those that matter very much to us with our 'generosity', that we don't realised we've missed the whole point of giving. If those we care about would find us any less because we can't give as much anymore, then it's probably good to know now than later.
Perhaps I'm just trying to justify myself. Maybe I still believe that there is value in "the thought that counts" (i.e. if the ones we love would bother to give "a penny for our thoughts"), rather than not giving anything because I feel that my gift will never be worthy enough. So if you can only afford to offer peanuts so you can enjoy a pack or two together and great fellowship, it's ok, too. Right?
I believe there's humility in giving...and receiving.
Slept almost the whole day yesterday and only got out of bed to see the doctor at the clinic downstairs, eat medicine, ate the porridge that dad came by to cook for me. He said he rushed over in a cab when mom called him. So sweet. Was really appreciative so I made myself eat a little while he was still around even though my stomach didn't feel up to it at that point. Anyway I hadn't eaten anything the whole day. But by the end of the night, I did manage to finish up the whole mega bowl of mince pork porridge and 2/3 pot of plain porridge with a big slice of steamed fish. Then it was back to bed again.
On hindsight, I'm really glad I ate all the porridge cos I just realised that I haven't been drinking water that much. I was probably dehydrating.
Mom has been in the hospital for the whole of last week for a major op. She's discharging today and will be staying at Peck's, without her usual coming back home over the weekend, probably till after Lunar New Year. Going there for reunion dinner for sure. Have been visiting her a few times at the hospital (SGH), chatting with her, getting her usual mumbling about how I should really take care of my health, to spend wisely. Since I'm not married and have no children, it would be difficult for me when I get old, blah blah blah.
Strangely, what she said kinda did it this time even though I dreaded listening to her nagging. Perhaps it was because I couldn't bear to retort due to her condition that her advice sank in more easily. Yes, there are some areas I could ease off a little. I should cut back on restaurants and fast food. Both for wealth and health reasons. Surely food court is good enough. School canteen is the best. Think about it, most working adults in Singapore need to tackle the lunchtime crowd for more expensive food when all I need to do is to get to the canteen 10 mins before lunchtime and takeaway. I actually prefer to eat in.
I gotta be careful not to depend on credit cards too much... maybe only use them when there's discounts?
Eating too late is another problem. Sometimes I wonder if I eat late cos I can't sleep or the other way round. It's becoming a habit since I started supper-ing with my students a few years ago. Oh gosh, a few years ago! Imagine the damaged done. Stop!!!
Well, at the end of the day, it is to be a good steward of what God has given me. He gave me the health to work and acquire the wealth allocated to me with the job He has provided. Not that I should live like a kiam-ka-nah. I'm a child of the living God. He's a generous God who clothed the lilies of the valleys and feeds the sparrows and gives peanuts to the squirrels (???). God doesn't need to impress anybody. He gave because He can and He cares.
We should care, too. It's just that sometimes we care more about impressing or getting approval from those that matter very much to us with our 'generosity', that we don't realised we've missed the whole point of giving. If those we care about would find us any less because we can't give as much anymore, then it's probably good to know now than later.
Perhaps I'm just trying to justify myself. Maybe I still believe that there is value in "the thought that counts" (i.e. if the ones we love would bother to give "a penny for our thoughts"), rather than not giving anything because I feel that my gift will never be worthy enough. So if you can only afford to offer peanuts so you can enjoy a pack or two together and great fellowship, it's ok, too. Right?
I believe there's humility in giving...and receiving.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Another Peng San Week
JPSAE stands for Joint Polytechnic Special Admission Exercise.
"The Joint Polytechnic Special Admissions Exercise (JPSAE), first launched in 2006, aims to make available a rigorous and challenging polytechnic education to students with special aptitude and talents. Under the Exercise, polytechnics are prepared to exercise flexibility in student admission while maintaining a quality intake.
Polytechnics will consider students who demonstrate a strong passion or aptitude through work attachments, sustained involvement in course-related projects, outstanding performance in competitions like the Maths/Science Olympiad. In addition, students with outstanding talents/achievements in leadership, community service, entrepreneurship, sports, artistic and creative areas will be considered. Up to 5 percent of the polytechnics' annual intake of students can be admitted via the JPSAE.
Each polytechnic has the discretion to determine its modes of assessment of students' talents, including portfolios and interviews, among others. Each polytechnic will set its own respective selection criteria to ensure that only students who are able to cope with the rigours of a diploma education are admitted."
So for that, the whole division is practically on duty for the week (OT till beyond 8pm) at our JPSAE Booth. Don't say you're not given more options... And mind you, the work doesn't end here... we have to follow up for 3 years. So don't blame us if we only pick the cream of the crop after the auditions/trials.
Hello, can I helpchu?
"The Joint Polytechnic Special Admissions Exercise (JPSAE), first launched in 2006, aims to make available a rigorous and challenging polytechnic education to students with special aptitude and talents. Under the Exercise, polytechnics are prepared to exercise flexibility in student admission while maintaining a quality intake.
Polytechnics will consider students who demonstrate a strong passion or aptitude through work attachments, sustained involvement in course-related projects, outstanding performance in competitions like the Maths/Science Olympiad. In addition, students with outstanding talents/achievements in leadership, community service, entrepreneurship, sports, artistic and creative areas will be considered. Up to 5 percent of the polytechnics' annual intake of students can be admitted via the JPSAE.
Each polytechnic has the discretion to determine its modes of assessment of students' talents, including portfolios and interviews, among others. Each polytechnic will set its own respective selection criteria to ensure that only students who are able to cope with the rigours of a diploma education are admitted."
So for that, the whole division is practically on duty for the week (OT till beyond 8pm) at our JPSAE Booth. Don't say you're not given more options... And mind you, the work doesn't end here... we have to follow up for 3 years. So don't blame us if we only pick the cream of the crop after the auditions/trials.
Hello, can I helpchu?
Monday, 11 January 2010
100110110110
Another binary-ish day... which I have obviously missed writing on. Heck... today's another good one, so let's combine (may the force be with me...lol!).
The past week had been a full week of work till almost midnight on Saturday. Thanks to Open House, my feet is hurting like...no I don't know how hell can hurt but I'm sure I was no where near.
Oh, talk about Open House... I believe I have not had better weather for Open House than this year's. For one, the Band performed the full repertoire under cloud-sheltered afternoon , when just hours before, it was so wet and windy that one of our tents flew off the ground and killed a few kois in the pond. The ones that survived are probably still traumatized and hiding in safe corners. The morning was spent helping to salvage the rain-drenched equipment. I guess it's a small price to pay for the 3 days of non-stop programmes.
Nothing beats hardwork wasted due to cancelled performances that disappoints the performers as well as the the organisers. I still think we should outsource the sound equipment for the whole week. But then, working with external vendors could be stressful, too.
So at the end of the last daytime shows, I decided to enjoy my forgotten lunch in the cool breezes right in the middle of our performance area while the sound and lights were being set up for the evening's jam & hop.
If not for God's 'pillar of cloud' by day, I'm quite sure my face would be as red as the t-shirt I was wearing after being out in the open for so many hours.
Worship rehearsal last evening was fantastic. Told Surya that I love the sound he gave me. When I can hear a good effect of what I sing, I can 'play'. I had fun. We were rehearsing the songs for the 3 days of Heidi Baker's meetings. The 1st and 3rd nights are going to be at Fairmont Hotel. Big stage, full Choir combined with those from our Filipino Service. Looking forward to it. Hopefully I'll get to catch up with friends from last Aug's mission trip. And pray that God sustain my voice throughout.
Upcoming is a full week of duty at the JPSAE booth to talent-spot for some of our arts groups. Then followed by auditions and selection. Blah blah blah... I need grace and wisdom so I can give the right counsel and shortlist the right candidate.
So, I wonder if "100110110110" mean anything. Anyone?
The past week had been a full week of work till almost midnight on Saturday. Thanks to Open House, my feet is hurting like...no I don't know how hell can hurt but I'm sure I was no where near.
Oh, talk about Open House... I believe I have not had better weather for Open House than this year's. For one, the Band performed the full repertoire under cloud-sheltered afternoon , when just hours before, it was so wet and windy that one of our tents flew off the ground and killed a few kois in the pond. The ones that survived are probably still traumatized and hiding in safe corners. The morning was spent helping to salvage the rain-drenched equipment. I guess it's a small price to pay for the 3 days of non-stop programmes.
Nothing beats hardwork wasted due to cancelled performances that disappoints the performers as well as the the organisers. I still think we should outsource the sound equipment for the whole week. But then, working with external vendors could be stressful, too.
So at the end of the last daytime shows, I decided to enjoy my forgotten lunch in the cool breezes right in the middle of our performance area while the sound and lights were being set up for the evening's jam & hop.
If not for God's 'pillar of cloud' by day, I'm quite sure my face would be as red as the t-shirt I was wearing after being out in the open for so many hours.
Worship rehearsal last evening was fantastic. Told Surya that I love the sound he gave me. When I can hear a good effect of what I sing, I can 'play'. I had fun. We were rehearsing the songs for the 3 days of Heidi Baker's meetings. The 1st and 3rd nights are going to be at Fairmont Hotel. Big stage, full Choir combined with those from our Filipino Service. Looking forward to it. Hopefully I'll get to catch up with friends from last Aug's mission trip. And pray that God sustain my voice throughout.
Upcoming is a full week of duty at the JPSAE booth to talent-spot for some of our arts groups. Then followed by auditions and selection. Blah blah blah... I need grace and wisdom so I can give the right counsel and shortlist the right candidate.
So, I wonder if "100110110110" mean anything. Anyone?
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Rekindled Love
First work day for the new year in less than 12 hours. Excited, yet apprehensive. Apprehensive as challenges don't disappear just because hopes are up with new visions. On the other hand, hopes are strengths. God's hope - 'no horse run', and that's what I'm counting on, for life.
That's just one part of my life - my share of the market place. There are many aspects to juggle. Work, Family, Church, Ministry, Personal life. I believe it's the same for everyone. One thing I learnt from yesterday's meeting, though, that none exists on its own. We can't compartmentalize the individual aspects. Everything intertwines, balanced by congruent living, walking in the Spirit and in the fear of the Lord (beginning of wisdom).
God takes personal interest that I succeed in all because He entrusts the stewardship of this redeemed life to me.
I love Jesus. He's been my Hero, more than I have given Him the credit for.
And He loves me, too. In fact, He loved me first. And He loves me more. I wish that I will grow to love Him more. Actually I can. I will. Jesus would be more happy than me if our love grows deeper.
Wait for me, Jesus. I WILL draw near to You for You to draw near to me.
Clichés are clichéd by people with no verbal integrity, leaving clichés as mere clichés to be clichéd further. Uncliché clichés to revive their true meaning and (for some) great power.
John 3:16 (NKJV)
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
That's just one part of my life - my share of the market place. There are many aspects to juggle. Work, Family, Church, Ministry, Personal life. I believe it's the same for everyone. One thing I learnt from yesterday's meeting, though, that none exists on its own. We can't compartmentalize the individual aspects. Everything intertwines, balanced by congruent living, walking in the Spirit and in the fear of the Lord (beginning of wisdom).
God takes personal interest that I succeed in all because He entrusts the stewardship of this redeemed life to me.
I love Jesus. He's been my Hero, more than I have given Him the credit for.
And He loves me, too. In fact, He loved me first. And He loves me more. I wish that I will grow to love Him more. Actually I can. I will. Jesus would be more happy than me if our love grows deeper.
Wait for me, Jesus. I WILL draw near to You for You to draw near to me.
Clichés are clichéd by people with no verbal integrity, leaving clichés as mere clichés to be clichéd further. Uncliché clichés to revive their true meaning and (for some) great power.
John 3:16 (NKJV)
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Teacher X-Change, So Divine
I'm not a teacher per se. Nevertheless those working in an educational institutes were encouraged to attend due to a similar potential influence in the market place of the Education Mountain - one of the 7 mountains shaping a nation.
After this morning's meeting, I felt that God has answered my prayer - strengthening me once again into my sphere of influence. Got a word from the Lord during the anointing service. It was a gracious reminder. Something for me to seriously look into. Really thankful for God's faithfulness in His grace and discipline.
Thank You, Abba Father.
Kenneth introduced me to this 'secret society' dim sum place called Bosses Restaurant. A bit pricey but was quite nice. Was a teeny weeny bit upset, though, that they charge $1 for ice water which I refused to pay for. Such a glam restaurant with a 'ghiam kah nah' customer service policy. If I happen to go there again, I'll bring the 85 cent 1.7 litre housebrand mineral water from Cold Storage. They better don't stop me. Hahaha... so who's the 'ghiam kah nah' one? Lol!!!
So sad that HLX is closing down. There goes my favourite 担担 and 炸醬拉麵／飯. Should patronize more before they are no more.
After this morning's meeting, I felt that God has answered my prayer - strengthening me once again into my sphere of influence. Got a word from the Lord during the anointing service. It was a gracious reminder. Something for me to seriously look into. Really thankful for God's faithfulness in His grace and discipline.
Thank You, Abba Father.
Kenneth introduced me to this 'secret society' dim sum place called Bosses Restaurant. A bit pricey but was quite nice. Was a teeny weeny bit upset, though, that they charge $1 for ice water which I refused to pay for. Such a glam restaurant with a 'ghiam kah nah' customer service policy. If I happen to go there again, I'll bring the 85 cent 1.7 litre housebrand mineral water from Cold Storage. They better don't stop me. Hahaha... so who's the 'ghiam kah nah' one? Lol!!!
So sad that HLX is closing down. There goes my favourite 担担 and 炸醬拉麵／飯. Should patronize more before they are no more.
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