Bandaged Soul...so I can open my heart to you again.

My day started at 11am today. Was totally zonked out after lack of sleep over the past 2 days. If I didn't have rehearsal in church at noon today I would have slept longer. Even the "Ohayo!" ringtone didn't quite work. *Yawn* So the Cornerstone Worship Ministry had a Family Day at National Service Resort & Country Club today. A time of fellowship and feasting on bbq food again. Band camp had bbq on Thursday night, too. Thank God we were allowed to use the 'void deck' below my office as it was pouring. Otherwise all the food the students bought would have gone to waste. Lighting was better there, actually. Choir's having a BBQ next week too. Wah...hope I won't get overdose...just recovered mah. Got to be even more careful on what I take in. Well, I've always enjoyed BBQs cos it's not just sit down and eat. But must have it with people who don't mind doing the cooking. I like the "I-serve-you, you-serve-me" we get during BBQs. S

Mountains have indeed been moved! Haha...over the past 2 days in the office, it was as I said, more packing and dumping. My colleagues have been awfully helpful. While I was away, they actually helped made the many rounds in transferring all my barang barang from my old workstation to the new. Got back yesterday and they continued to help me to set up my PC, phone and network and tidy up all the wiring. Wow, I would have been easily overwhelmed without their help. With all that settled, all I really needed to do was to sort out what goes where. I'm glad I needed to stay back in campus for band camp. All my stuff were sorted out by six this morning. Slept about 2 hours, washed up and then it's back to tidy up the lose ends. So happy that I'm done with all that and can settle down with real work full force on Monday. So much to do with all the events coming up. God, I need Your grace! At this moment, I'm just waiting in the band room for the band concert committee meeting

Finally, my medical leave has come to an end. On hindsight, it has been a really fruitful period. Besides the obvious reason which was my physical rest and recuperation, it was a timely break to deal with certain issues in my life because the circumstance 'forced' me to get out of many vicious cycles and allowed me to break away from a few bad habits. Yesterday, for the first time, and probably the last, I attended the Women's Bible Coffee Hour in Church at 10am. The message shared by Maureen was like God-sent - a reminder to depend on God for my daily manna and to respond to His word. The session ended with an exhortation to always fix my eyes on the Lord even at work, and not be easily discouraged by situations and people around me and by my own weaknesses. May my heart never be hardened but always tender before the Lord to respond to His instructions. After the session, I went to the new 'The Olives' cafe for lunch. I stayed there until 6.30pm before I left for s

LAY IT DOWN From Jaci Velasquez's Album - Beauty Has Grace VERSE 1: I've been looking 'til my eyes are tired of looking Listening 'til my ears are numb from listening Praying 'til my knees are sore from kneeling on the bedroom floor I know that You know that my heart is aching I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans Are slowly slipping through my folded hands CHORUS 1: So I'm gonna lay it down I'm gonna learn to trust You now What else can I do? Everything I am depends on You And if the sun don't come back up I know Your love will be enough I'm gonna let it be I'm gonna let it go I'm gonna lay it down VERSE 2: I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging But You're pulling me out I'm finally breathing in the open air This room

I've been cooped up at home for over 10 days, only went out once to CGH for my after-op follow-up appointment this Tuesday. So as far as my friends are concerned, my cell leader was the only person I've seen since I got home from the op. She came to meet me when I went for my follow-up and stayed with me till I collected my prescription at the pharmacy. Well, staying at home isn't all that bad. In fact, it's comfortable and I'm enjoying the serenity. It's not like I'm at home most of my work days. I'm seldom at home for the weekends even. So actually, it's been a good break, despite the initial period of agony. A break from the monotony of the whole cycle of being out. Having said all these, I must give credit to my mother for staying over and taking care of me. I feel so pampered not having to worry about meals and house-cleaning. Just pure resting and enjoying the cozyness of my own little space. Well, I better not get too used to this. So how is i

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -- C.S. Lewis During my period of recuperation, I took the courage to revisit my "cobwebbed" multiply account and discovered a few gem entries by my network of friends. One of it was by a sister from Church about love. The topic was like a smack to my heart and so relevant to the current issues of my life at this moment. With her generous permission, I've adapted the above quote and some of her words in this entry. Thanks, Sista! I feel that God is gently and lovingly peeling off the layers

So the polyp removed at the biopsy was tested non-malignant. And I've also confirmed that the thread that dropped off from the surgery site was the non-dissolvable part of the stitches. Y a y !!! Now, it's just dealing with the surrounding "pain" and managing my diet to minimize it. Thanks to all for praying for me! And my Jehovah Rapha - my God who healed me! Can you feel my joy? Yipee!!!

I read this quote from the trailer of a movie: No dependence, no expection. No expectation, no grief. This quote has a sad truth in it. Perhaps we were once trusting, and then we experience betrayal, and that caused grief. I guess, in a non-complex way, that's how people start striving to become independent, self-sufficient, leading to self-centredness, selfishness, pride. Proverbs 16:18-19 says, "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud. I believe that it pains God to see us get hurt and develop a heart that's distrusting, hardened towards others, towards Him, even towards ourselves. It would take a lot of courage to open up again because it makes us vulnerable. To love and to be loved, letting people in. Look at Jesus. His love is the ultimate. He gave of Himself, and He was betrayed by His disciples, the world He came to save. But, thank God, He never stoppe

Today is a beautiful day. Even though I didn't get to go back to the office because I still can't and I'm still suffering in pain, but... I want to thank God for a few things: I know that someone who matters to me is not upset with me. Got in touch with one alumni member whom I used to work with. A beautiful individual who spent some time with me on msn today, made me laugh, feel cared for, feel that I mattered. It's a nice feeling. Finally, I had success in the movement of my b***l. You have no idea how thankful I was. All those futile efforts for the past week. My hope of recovery is up. More prayers please! :) The thread that bound my wound dropped off. For the past few days I thought it was something else stuck inside and was going to be grafted to my flesh and would require surgery to remove. I don't know if it's a good thing that it dropped off, but it relieved me of my fear. The week of break didn't pass by easy for me. It has indeed been a trying per

Lust - sinful longing; the inward sin which leads to the falling away from God (Rom. 1:21). "Lust, the origin of sin, has its place in the heart, not of necessity, but because it is the centre of all moral forces and impulses and of spiritual activity." In Mark 4:19 "lusts" are objects of desire. Love is patient. Lust can't wait; it's impulsive. Love is kind. Lust is cruel, critical, manipulative. Love does not envy. Lust seeks more than it earns. Love does not boast. Lust builds self at another's expense. Love is not proud. Lust is easily threatened. Love is not rude. Lust is disrespectful and thoughtless. Love is not self-seeking. Lust is demanding and uncaring. Love is not easily angered. Lust is temperamental and retaliates. Love keeps no record of wrong. Lust does not forget offenses. Love does not delight in evil. Lust commits wrong to get its own way; it rationalizes Love rejoices in the truth. Lust encourages lies and covers misdeeds. Love always

I began this week with an op at CGH, followed by days of pain and fear of pain. Well, I'm not going to compare my basket of eggs with another, cos I'm sure there are others with more in theirs. I believe that when God deals with our lives, He deals with us as individuals. He made us all different, with our strengths and weaknesses unique one from the other. Over the week, time and again I have to deal with the pain from the wound. The physical pain was terrible, and many times I broke down because I felt it was too much to deal with. Sometimes it's not the intensity of the pain, but the continuity of it. Every night I go to bed with a frown on my face, and at times, tears in my eyes. Every morning I wake up in the early hours from the pain and try hard to get back to bed to sleep it off, only to wake up again in less than a couple of hours for the same reason. A couple of mornings I have to make myself wash up to eat breakfast, though I had no appetite, so that I could take

I don't know how much lower I can go to make good what I've messed up. I pondered over and over, but I really don't know where I could begin to do this, without appearing to try too hard or doing the unnecessary, and backfire. I'm new to this kind of friendship and it's difficult when I feel that I'm on my own all, if not most, of the time. Can I get a helping hand here? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? Would you give me the chance by telling me if it's something I said or did that upset you? You said you would. Right now, I don't have a clue. If you read this, I really didn't mean to presume my position. I don't even know WHAT is that position. I really don't know. Your reply from my last confrontation made me feel like a fool for even confronting. The conversation was not meant to end like that. I was just trying to make sense of the frustration I've been feeling. Lack of conversation topic due to age gap? I can deal with that. It&#

So which is easier to bear? Physical pain or psychological pain? Whichever it is, one affects the other in profound ways. At this point of time, I think physical pain is more unbearable simply because I'm currently in constant pain from my recent op. It's amazing how pain in a small area can affect the function of the whole body, even the cognitive. From the experience you'd also learn how not to take that small part for granted again. Sometimes we forget, but it's not difficult to remember again. Personally, I just thank God that I've never taken that part of me for granted, well, not that it helps in relieving the pain. With the whole body experiencing muscle ache, I can't even cough properly if I choke when drinking liquid. It's also painful when I hic-cup. Chest muscle at work. I'm thankful that I'm not at a state where I need to vomit, that would be the ultimate. I don't think I'd be able to fulfill packing my room. How to when I can'

Fell in love with her voice when I heard this song in the movie - Dreamgirls.

I just got back not long ago from a one-night stay in CGH. Had a biopsy done around 1pm yesterday. As the operation was done under general anaesthesia, as briefed by my anaesthesiologist, I'm now experiencing muscle ache at all parts of my body. Chewing and swallowing food causes pain to my jaw and throat. I believe it's the respiratory aid placed in my mouth during the surgery. Initially, the doctors recommended regional anaesthesia, but the injection into the epidural space of my spinal cord had proved to be too painful and scary at the same time. So after a few attempts, I insisted that they gave me GA instead. I believe the phobia was a result of a very painful and traumatic experience at my previous operation for a different condition. Anyway, I'm now on medical leave for a week. I feel so sorry for my colleagues who need to juggle my job spec as stage manager at the Closing of Poly Forum 07 this Friday. If the tumour had not been suspected to be malignant and require

I was reading through one of the entries in my previous blog (24 Jul 05) and thought it to be interesting enough to re-post it in this blog. Here goes... "When God created us, He created us with limitations. We were not created to juggle 24 balls at one time; neither were we created to do nine different tasks all at the same time. And yet we so often forget that and we think that we have super-human strength and abilities and the result is:- More burnouts, more broken families, more mental cases, more stress-related diseases etc. And all because we do not respect the limitations and boundaries that we are created with." Cornerstone Community Church Bulletin Today's sermon was timely. It's amazing how the word of God can speak to one's heart. I felt that we connected. It's like God drew near to whisper gently to my spirit, uplifting me with assurance that He is still there and still in control. The ending song brought me to tears as I felt really touched by God

My schedule today was quite messed up. Was supposed to go for Beach Clean-up Day followed by Baptism for some church members. Cell group was supposed to have a picnic after that. One of the cell members was getting baptized too. So the plan was that those who are bringing food would skip the clean up and arrive at 11am to support the baptism. I volunteered to bring one of the food items because I was going to attend a workshop for Singles in Church in the afternoon. Didn't want to tire myself out. To cut the long story very short...for some mix-up too long to explain here, ended up didn't go. Instead, went straight to TM to return the Starhub cable box to terminate the account. Then proceeded to Church for the workshop. That was bad timing part 1. Part 2 was Wee Gek's concert I had to miss because I thought it was at 7 plus in the evening, like the usual concerts. It was only when I got the ticket that I realised it would start at 5pm. But I had already signed up for the af

Just got back not long ago from catching a 11.50pm movie at Cathay Cineplex. "Killed 2 birds with 1 stone." 1. Watched "No Reservations" 2. Snacked at Billy Bombers Soup of the day was clam chowder, yummy! Was craving for banana milkshake but couldn't resist the sound of bacardi rum in vanilla shake. So, why not try something new!

This evening, me and a bunch of the band members got together to celebrate Hui Zhen's birthday. We went to Kampong Chai Chee CC's KBox for 3 hours of singing. Well, the sound system was terrible and the mics have got loose connections. But heck, we had fun. I was a bit hesitant to go along but it's the birthday of someone special, so the sound system wasn't the priority. It was really cheap though. $12 for the session with a free drink. ($8 for students). Not bad lah. I was hesitant because I only know a few songs...mostly English, the usual oldies... and partly because English songs are usually not up to date. Well, I did pick a few, we all sang together lah with that 2 pathetic mics. Hence I was quite surprised that most of the Mandarin songs they chose sounded familiar to me and I could sing along. It was more fun than I thought. And during all the singing, Hui Zhen's whole family came by and brought another birthday cake (durian, yummy!) and sang a multilingual

Yesterday after work, I went to watch "Ratatouille" with Kenneth. I wanted to watch it the minute I saw the billboard at GV a while ago. Pixar, my favourite animation production so far. The story, of course, is a bit "rataculous". How can a rat cook? But watching it was simply fun and made me laugh. Especially the way Linguini was moving around the restaurant kitchen with Remy controlling him. Though I'm not into animation or the making of it like our DES students, I'm awed by the details of the graphic during movements, the scenes, every characters in the movie. It was really enjoyable. I'm reminded of how much I used to laugh...a lot. I remember a couple of girlfriends from my class in Secondary School. We used to study together, hang out, oogle at guys, make penpals, talk about anything under the sun. You can imagine the amount of laughter from the fun things we say and do. It's ridiculous. We laughed without restraints (within good morals). I thi

Quite a lot has been running through my head for the past few days, in particularly, the issue of friendship - what it meant to me in the past and what it means to me now. People around me have asked me, "Cynthia, do you have a best friend?" or simply, "Who are you close(r) to?" I don't know what the kind of answers they are expecting out of me and why they would want to know, but everytime such a question is asked, I can't immediately give an answer. It probably sounds kind of strange. I mean, if it's my close or best friend, wouldn't the answer be really straightforward and requires little thought to it? But yet I find that I'm unable to respond. All around me, I find that people are often seeking to be someone's special someone. It doesn't necessarily mean boyfriend-girlfriend kind of relationship. I mean isn't it nice to know that you have a special place in someone's heart, especially if that someone is one whom you find that