Grace Under Fire

Have you ever felt so broken inside that you couldn't cry even if you try? It would be better if you could find release through streams of tears. So when that doesn't happen, everything just gets choked up inside like a lump in the center of your chest - a constant pain going deeper and deeper, taking more effort to even work it out into a groan.

When it gets easier, you wonder if it's good or bad.

It's so tiring to try again, and again, only to realise that all the hard work seems to just lead to a series of failures. It's an emotional roller coaster when you work on a relationship like a blind person, feeling your way through the unspoken rules you didn't set. And your own rules? They are non-existent because they are easily broken with the fear of losing someone you treasure. Just when you think you hit the right switch, the bulb blew in your face... again.

Of course I have learnt to deal with it by making the choice not to be affected. Yet I feel that by doing so, this behaviour pattern is going to lead to some form of detachment which is not what I want. I mean, what's the point of building a relationship, when in the end, all you get is detachment? Isn't that ironic?

It's easier to make the choice not to be affected by someone's behaviour when that person is not someone you are keen to build a relationship with. That I think I'm learning well to deal with. I just have to tell myself, "Why should I be upset with this stranger? I probably won't see her again. It's not worth it." Well, THAT and the fact that I should learn to give grace to others, love my enemies, be more patient, loving, kind, let the peace of God rule and reign in my heart, etc. etc. etc... you get the drift.

Strangely, it's not so easy when it comes to someone you care about. Because when that happens, you have a whole lot more to deal with than just brushing that person off. The thing is, you don't want to brush that person off at all. It's a balancing act between letting go and holding on because you're afraid of losing the one you treasure so much, and all the reasons why. It matters so much it hurts when you feel that you don't matter as much to that person. Even if you do matter, you sure ain't getting no clues about it. So you just hope? And look out for signs. Signs that are unstable.

Despair and helpless. Not because things seem to be going on a downhill, but the way to recovery can't be found, and it's nothing you can do about it. It does take two hands to clap after all. And so far, it looks more like I'm fanning away the invisible flies.

It is easier to know God than to know a person.

How do You deal with it, God? What do You do in times when people grieve You with their disregard for Your love, Your goodness, and Your grace? I know Your love is great, and Your mercy endures forever. I know that many times, I'm no longer loving with my own strength. If not for You, I would have already thrown in the towel. When can I give up? When should I? Or shouldn't I? My love is yet pure. If it were, perhaps I wouldn't be grieving that I'm getting back soooooooo little in response to what I give? Giving is not loving, just part of it, isn't it? Sometimes giving withheld is also a form of loving.

Food for thoughts: God's unconditional love VS God's conditional promises