I Not So Stupid
I was in such a bad mood this morning. The strange thing is, yesterday I had my appraisal with my 2nd big boss and it was a very encouraging and affirming session. Cell group was ok, too. I watched a couple of Korean movies when I got home, had good hours of sleep, but still, I felt such a lack in motivation.
In case you think it's due to the movies I watched, well I don't think so. Cos both had good endings, and nothing in between that's 'chi-gek' enough to cause any sobbing at all. So I wasn't emo-ing.
Anyway, Church was having a 24-hour Harp and Bowl session again. Just to recap, harp refers to worship while bowl signifies the intercession that rises to God from the incense. It started last evening at 6pm with a total of eight 3-hour sessions. I admit I was dragging my feet, taking my own sweet time to get myself out of the house, intending to go for the 12pm watch. It's no shocker that I got there late...45 minutes late, to be shamelessly exact.
The moment I stepped in, Pst Hazeil was challenging those present to consecrate our lives. I was almost immediately convicted. From my position of unwillingness to even attend the session, it's amazing how little skepticism I held then. I thank God for keeping my heart tender at that moment to receive His admonition. I'm grateful that He did not leave me to sulk in one corner with my heart hardened, and ears hard of hearing. Abba was there, alright.
I'm reminded of a conversation with a Church mate a few years ago. He had stopped coming to Church for a while due to some reasons. We were not in the same cell group but I guess he felt comfortable to tell me that he felt ashamed to come back to Church because he had backslided. He was worried that God would not take him back.
I think this is a natural and common mindset that backslidders are in. I know he is not alone. I've felt this way before, both in Church and non-Church context, but especially so in the former. I strongly believe that it is the lie of the devil to draw us away from God. He comes to steal, kill and destroy anything God has given us. His love, His salvation, His peace, His grace. He's the expert in putting doubts in us about God's everlasting love for us. Think about it. Didn't the Bible say that nothing, not even death, can separate us from God's love?
Let's come clean and realise that, as much as it is the enemy planting doubts in our heart, we need to play our part to not entertain those thoughts. I'm not saying this to condemn, but as a warning against the deceitfulness of our own heart, clogged by pride. Feelings of shame reflects the presence of pride. The solution thus, is to humble ourselves. True repentance is a 180-degree turning away from the wrong way to ask for God's forgiveness.
Take God at His word. He said that He is faithful and just to forgive those who ask that of Him. Jesus will never turn away a person with a broken spirit and a contrite (remorseful and repentant) heart. Let's not turn our back on God. Don't decide for Him if He's going to take us back, and don't think about the "What if it happens again?" Deal with today's problem. Let tomorrow worry about itself. We're not there yet, but God is. And Jesus already had victory over sin and death!
Remember this. God is more willing and ready to forgive us than we are in asking. We have not because we ask not. Like the father of the prodigal son, He will run to us to welcome us even before we are near. God is in the saving business and He monopolizes the market, cos only He can. Salvation belongs to our God.
It's not difficult to guess that I left the session encouraged. So glad I beat my unwillingness and went for it. I didn't give up on myself cos God is not done with me yet. If He, the ultimate Judge of my eternity, has not given up, then why should I? I not so stupid eh!
In case you think it's due to the movies I watched, well I don't think so. Cos both had good endings, and nothing in between that's 'chi-gek' enough to cause any sobbing at all. So I wasn't emo-ing.
Anyway, Church was having a 24-hour Harp and Bowl session again. Just to recap, harp refers to worship while bowl signifies the intercession that rises to God from the incense. It started last evening at 6pm with a total of eight 3-hour sessions. I admit I was dragging my feet, taking my own sweet time to get myself out of the house, intending to go for the 12pm watch. It's no shocker that I got there late...45 minutes late, to be shamelessly exact.
The moment I stepped in, Pst Hazeil was challenging those present to consecrate our lives. I was almost immediately convicted. From my position of unwillingness to even attend the session, it's amazing how little skepticism I held then. I thank God for keeping my heart tender at that moment to receive His admonition. I'm grateful that He did not leave me to sulk in one corner with my heart hardened, and ears hard of hearing. Abba was there, alright.
I'm reminded of a conversation with a Church mate a few years ago. He had stopped coming to Church for a while due to some reasons. We were not in the same cell group but I guess he felt comfortable to tell me that he felt ashamed to come back to Church because he had backslided. He was worried that God would not take him back.
I think this is a natural and common mindset that backslidders are in. I know he is not alone. I've felt this way before, both in Church and non-Church context, but especially so in the former. I strongly believe that it is the lie of the devil to draw us away from God. He comes to steal, kill and destroy anything God has given us. His love, His salvation, His peace, His grace. He's the expert in putting doubts in us about God's everlasting love for us. Think about it. Didn't the Bible say that nothing, not even death, can separate us from God's love?
Let's come clean and realise that, as much as it is the enemy planting doubts in our heart, we need to play our part to not entertain those thoughts. I'm not saying this to condemn, but as a warning against the deceitfulness of our own heart, clogged by pride. Feelings of shame reflects the presence of pride. The solution thus, is to humble ourselves. True repentance is a 180-degree turning away from the wrong way to ask for God's forgiveness.
Take God at His word. He said that He is faithful and just to forgive those who ask that of Him. Jesus will never turn away a person with a broken spirit and a contrite (remorseful and repentant) heart. Let's not turn our back on God. Don't decide for Him if He's going to take us back, and don't think about the "What if it happens again?" Deal with today's problem. Let tomorrow worry about itself. We're not there yet, but God is. And Jesus already had victory over sin and death!
Remember this. God is more willing and ready to forgive us than we are in asking. We have not because we ask not. Like the father of the prodigal son, He will run to us to welcome us even before we are near. God is in the saving business and He monopolizes the market, cos only He can. Salvation belongs to our God.
It's not difficult to guess that I left the session encouraged. So glad I beat my unwillingness and went for it. I didn't give up on myself cos God is not done with me yet. If He, the ultimate Judge of my eternity, has not given up, then why should I? I not so stupid eh!
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