Bandaged Soul...so I can open my heart to you again.

Just got back from dinner with my so-called god brother, MM. Drove down to meet him at Mohd Sultan. The place was En Grill and Bar. En has at least 2 outlets along that stretch. MM works there part time so I made him mix a non-alcoholic drink for me. They serve Japanese Cuisine. Quite up market...so it was a small burnt in the pocket even though there was staff discount. I think the best dish was Kaki Bacon...it was grilled oyster wrapped with bacon. $12 for 4 pieces...wah, so expensive, but super shiok. I miss fresh oysters! I went to Fish & Co a few times and they never fail to disappoint me with the item in the menu but always out. They should just cross it out. Anyway, about this long-lost brother. So long never see him then this week we met up twice in a row. Yesterday I sent him to Lim Chu Kang camp to book in after picking him up at Khatib MRT station. We drove to a nearby MacD to cnc (chat and chill) for a couple of hours before driving about the same distance to his camp. ...

This is a passage for today from 'Our Daily Bread' which I thought was quite interesting and insightful. Amateur Christians READ: 1 Corinthians 1:18-31 The love of Christ compels us. —2 Corinthians 5:14 The word amateur has been redefined over the years and has lost the luster of its original meaning. The English word comes from the Latin word amore, which means “to love.” An amateur is someone who does something simply for the love of it. In today’s way of thinking, receiving payment moves you into a “higher” category—that of a professional. The reasoning is that if someone is willing to pay for your service, you must be really good. An amateur, therefore, is considered to have less skill or talent. As I read my Bible, however, I see a different hierarchy of values. During the time of Jesus, the religious professionals were using their position to gain power and prestige for themselves, not to serve the people. Jesus didn’t choose those who were wise, mighty, or noble by human...

People often chase after things that run away. Ever wondered why? Could it be that possessing the hard-to-get is not the ultimate goal, but the want to feel that one deserves it, to prove one's worthiness of holding or even just be associated with the object of one's desire. There is a supposition of such a condition to immaturity. But then we would have to define what maturity is, wouldn't we? I've been offered a suggestion that the continuum between maturity and immaturity is more of a societal definition that is hardly definite, obviously because it would then depend on the perception and culture of the respective societies. Who is in the unquestionable position to say what is maturity and what is not? At best, it is merely some subjective viewpoints (like trends and fashion) initiated and/or developed by people with desired outcome motivated by self-centredness. Sadly, this is so for many other pivotal life's issues, even more unfortunately, often diluted by lac...

Ever since I embraced the idea of being responsible for my actions and feelings towards people I love, I've become conscious not to have any expectation of how others should respond to my affection. This cognitive pattern did not happen overnight but came through a series of deep and honest-to-God soul-searching, of painful trials and of letting go. I still need to constantly remind myself to think this way because, instinctively, I'm still not like that. Has to be a deliberate effort. It's funny how sometimes when I realised that I'm indulging in my old ways, I have to snap myself out of it and I would say something like, "Haiyah, it doesn't matter lah!" A few things I learnt in the process: 1. I have mixed up expectation with hope. God's word says "love hopes...", not "love expects...". There's obviously a difference here. 2. I don't have to be the one directly responsible for my beloved's well-being. So long as they a...

Yes, thank God it's not another fracture. And I can still limp without the crutch sometimes for a few steps here and there. The doctor said to give the injured foot a rest for 2 weeks and see if I can walk properly after that. Thanks to all who prayed for me and/or wished me well, and of course those who have to cover my work in the office. T_T So I've been putting up at my 2nd sister's (the one I sometimes go over for dinner after work) since the incident. My mom is here as well, cos my eldest sis' family, with whom she currently stays with, went away on a holiday. They're coming back later today. Went to see the doctor yesterday afternoon. Ok, my nephew requested that I blog this in this post. He showed me his mother's face mask packaging the last time I came over and it was quite funny. It's made in Taiwan: FRONT FIRMING/ATNI-WRINKLE BACK Storage: Please deposit in coolly dry place, Avoids the sunlight illumination and the babies and infants bump touch. M...

Two more months and it would have been a full seven years since I last fractured my left foot. I was staying at my brother's house then and injured myself at the ramp up the lift at the ground floor. Usually I would have forgotten or wouldn't be that sure. But I clearly remember that I was 'room-ridden' watching the news and caught the very first report on 911 incident on TV. That segment was even before the 2nd plane crashed itself into WTC. Then yesterday, I did it again. Why? Geh-kiang go and play tennis lah, run after ball lah! Should have known better. Some exercise are just not suitable for people of my calibre. But I wasn't even thinking of exercise, can? Can't play for nuts. I think we achieved more perspiration from laughing at our bad playing and picking up stray balls. It was hilarious and I think that's what made us want to do it again. Anyway, a few weeks ago I went to the doctor to check on my left foot cos I have been feeling pain on and off f...

I really can't bring myself to help you. You've betrayed my trust more than once before. You played on the compassion of others time and time again. I really don't understand how you could do such a thing - biting the hands that fed you without blinking an eyelid. I guess your conscience has been seared by greed and you've grown accustomed to deception. For a while since you disappeared on me with all the broken promises to set things right, everytime I remember you, I think of the story, "Cry Wolf". Sadly, you have became the reason that I had to force myself to harden my heart when the others try to ask for the same kind of help from me. Many times I felt really bad, wondering whether I was doing the right thing. I felt like a fool to even think twice before rejecting their call for help. You are giving a bad name to those whom others would like to give a second chance to. Nevertheless, I believe that if you really want to change, God will give you the grace...

Matrix threw tantrums again today. Well, actually it's because I've not been checking on the water level. Old car lah, need to do all these things and I'm not used to it. Every morning just looking out for bird shit is already quite bothersome. Somehow I think the birds seem to find dark coloured cars more condusive to relief their bowels. So, I was on our way to my sister's for dinner. I missed a turn and just couldn't get myself out of the unfamiliar maze of winding roads. Then I realised that the temperature was ascending. I panicked a little cos it was getting really near to the red mark this time. Before I could get to a nearby petrol kiosk, the water tank got totally dehydrated and just stalled at the junction of Hougang Avenue 2 and Upper Serangoon Road. So if you happened to pass by that spot from 7.30pm to 8.30pm, that's me in my car causing the "Slow Traffic at XXX on right turning lane". It was a time of mixed emotions. First, it was like, ...

I woke up today feeling a bit disoriented because I had stayed overnight in campus on Thursday and Friday for 2 of my arts groups' projects. And this morning, though Sunday, I had to go back to school as one of my groups were performing for the Boathouse Official Launch graced by Minister George Yeo. I didn't feel like waking up, but a phone call from my colleague jolted me to full alertness because of some emergency and I was needed there asap. To cut the long story short, I gave her an alternative solution as I was brushing my teeth and I could go back to normal speed again. But by then, I no longer felt sleepy. Hmmm...God knew I needed that. Anyway, now I'm back at home because I was too late for Service and too early for my next appointment - Prison Ministry. Need to pick up a few people from Church otherwise they would need to take cab. Oh ya, time to give Matrix a shower. Maybe I'll drop by a kiosk somewhere for the public bath. Haha... Don't know got time or ...

The daffodil is the national flower of Wales, and in some country, it is associated with Easter - resurrection flower! Hence, the emblem of hope. I like... :) May I be found to have the virtue of a spiritual daffodil when I see Jesus face to face when He comes!

I've been wanting to post the events and pictures from the past 2 weeks of my life, but I find myself unable to do so because I've been quite impacted by the work which I believe God has been working in me and through me for the weeks. On top of that, there were the messages spoken to the Church by Dr Brian Bailey. I can't exactly word them out because they were like pin balls bouncing off upon hitting targets after targets in the different areas of my life. Some were painful while others were uplifting. But eventually, I can see by faith in the love of God for me that they work out for good as God's word has promised. Besides the messages on Heaven, Hell, and Healing from 3-5 June, the 2 services' sermons from the pulpit on Sunday prior to the 3-day meetings also got me thinking. I have written a little on what I took from 2nd service in my previous post, " Love Suffers Long And Is Kind ". Then I listened to the message CD from 1st Service. Dr Brian Bail...

Blot out ( from www.dictionary.com ) a. to make indistinguishable; obliterate: to blot out a name from the record. b. to wipe out completely; destroy: Whole cities were blotted out by bombs. I pray that the only blotting out in my life would be the transgressions and iniquities following confessions to God and true repentance, and not that of my name from the Lamb's Book of Life. There are so many instances in the Bible that both types of blotting out have been mentioned. Just do a simple search in this website and you'll see - http://www.biblegateway.com Indeed, God is capable of both. And He will, because He is a loving and merciful God, as well as a Holy God. He is a Sovereign God who is the sole supreme authority of life and death. And His judgment is final. "The sea gave up the dead who were in it, and Death and Hades delivered up the dead who were in them. And they were judged, each one according to his works. Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. T...

I'm feeling better now. My mind's clearer and my heart more stable. Thanks to Pst Brian Bailey's sermon in 2nd Service on Sunday. I was quite late, but the minute I stepped into the auditorium, what was spoken at that point was a message so appropriate for my situation. By God's grace my heart was open to receive His word, something which I don't take for granted. There was so much of the love of God in that message it was hard not to receive it. I felt God answering my prayers, graciously dealing with the affairs of my heart. Pst Bailey recounted the story of a couple of prisoners who were tortured to denounce Christ. They endured the sufferings and managed to overcome the ordeal. However, they became aggressive. And when they were released, they remained aggressive towards those around them. Hence we need to be careful that as we exercise longsuffering, we must not neglect kindness. Love suffers long and is kind. The list goes on about the definition of love, but ...

I'm so tired of your coldness. Please give me a break, can? I really don't think I deserve it, regardless of who I am to you. You talk to me like you can't stand the sight of me. You can smile and joke with others one second and pull a long face with me the next. Really, what did I do? Are you giving me a hard time because you know I care about you? Sure, I can choose not to be offended or hurt, I am willing to take responsibility for my own feelings and reaction. Call me a coward for thrashing it here instead of taking it up with you face to face. I'm afraid that I'd breakdown if you continue to display indifference. You can't even look me in the eye as if you're in guilt. I really don't deserve this kind of treatment, especially not from you. I don't need you to be grateful for all the things that I've done for you, that's not why I do them in the first place. Just treat me right. For your own sake and mine. Sigh...perhaps I think too much,...

On The Side Of Me - Corrinne May ON THE SIDE OF ME By Corrinne May I'm not the easiest person to love I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved Yet you choose to be On the side of me On the side of me Yeah you choose to be On the side of me On the side of me I'm not too proud of some things I've done in my life The skeletons in my closet Are too big for me to hide Yet you choose to be On the side of me On the side of me Blessed Charity You're on the side of me On the side of me 'Cause everyone needs a friend to hold When it's cold outside and there's no place to go Everyone needs a friend to hold All alone I cried There was no place to go I remember when nobody cared But you I'm not the easiest person to love But you, you've opened your heart To show me what I'm worth 'Cause you choose to be On the side of me On the side of me What a mystery You're on the side of me On the side of me 'Cause everyone needs a friend to hold Wh...

Life is not just about getting things done most efficiently, but effectively. My experience tells me that being effective includes the element of relationship. God's mercy and grace in my life taught, and is still teaching me that we need to be tolerant towards people's mistakes and be gracious towards their inadequacy and incompetence. Even if it's not for the noblest reason of love, just face the fact that we simply...don't have it all! Isn't it true that we all have our own share of inadequacy and incompetence? Hence, the need for interdependence. And interdependence can't flourish without relationship. Moreover, if we don't have the heart and time to nurture another, I don't suppose we are in any position to treat people in such a way that they would know "how is it like in the real world." I fear that we, yes, even for myself, would become condescending - in words, in silence, in action, or the lack of. Yes, it's important that we get ...

I think my season of waiting has changed in its direction. A certain season of waiting has taught me what it is to be waiting actively. I heard someone illustrating that waiting on the Lord is like waiting for a bus at the bus stop. You know it's coming, but you don't know at which precise moment it would come. Of course now with the IRIS technology you could actually anticipate the arrival of your bus to the precise minute, but you get the drift... So, you wait. And you can do whatever you want as you wait - listen to your mp3, read a book, chat with a friend. But you're actively waiting and constantly looking out for your bus to come. But I think I've been waiting for the wrong bus that's taking me to the wrong place. Or perhaps it is more appropriate to say that I'm already on that bus, but I just realised that it's the wrong one. Now I'm alighting to change to another to take me to where I'm supposed to go. That's the grace of God. For He all...

Drove a long way to CPC yesterday after lunch with cell group. Haven't been able to visit for quite a while. Think it was probably the 2nd or 3rd time since I started driving. It's either I forgot to bring my pass or there were some personal/work/worship ministry matters to attend to. And many times, our week was cancelled by the prison authorities. Anyway, I've resorted to keeping my pass in the car. We were given instruction previously that it was going to be on Sat morning instead. So now that it's back to Sunday afternoon, I can mark down all the scheduled 1st and 3rd Sundays in my schedule again. Can't blog about our exchanges with the boys. I can only say that it was quiet, as usual. Did an impromptu sing-along session. I won't call it Praise & Worship cos I seldom find myself engaged in that way, especially not when I'm struggling on the mis-tuned guitar. Couldn't play using those chords written on the song file so had to play every song in a ...

Woke up feeling tired and aching all over. Didn't sleep well and still a bit under the weather, so decided to give the afternoon wedding ceremony a miss. Did a bit of blog-surfing as I lazed around. Felt a bit heart-heavy for a short few minutes. Short but enough for some tough soul-searching, remembering that I've told myself to let go and put my focus on what I've set out in the beginning. Consciously, and unconsciously, I have started to stray. I've overestimated myself, perhaps. In the end, the word of God still stands - the heart is deceitful. As much as I would like to indulge in how I felt I should be regarded, I knew that it would only make me greedy. Sure, all I want is to get back a little, but I know all too well that the little would soon grow. Nonetheless, as little as it may seem now, compared to the unconditional love that I want to give, I'm asking for way too much. Go and die...die to unsatisfied yearnings that even though they seem justified in the...

"Hey! Good news! I manage to loan car for leng...from friend who will be away for wks. Sori to have imposed on you knowing your concern about Pam and David's reaction but thanks for still agreeing to swap despite that." Woohoo! So Matrix stays with me this long weekend! Happiness! Well, my schedule's going to be quite packed so thank God I don't have to be a road hazard to the Singapore motorists behind the wheels of a manual van (although I did initially think of getting a Kangoo before). It's wedding on Saturday afternoon and dinner in the evening. Would probably stay out the whole day. Maybe go catch a movie or something. See how. Or go some place quiet, read a book, and scribble down some notes on my OPPC. The eNotebook version of OPC (Off-Peak Car), haha... Sunday's service, prison visit, and Worship Ministry Bowling session. So many places to go! Monday...still not decided. Maybe getting some jamming studio accessories. See how, see how...