To Expect Or Not To Expect?

Ever since I embraced the idea of being responsible for my actions and feelings towards people I love, I've become conscious not to have any expectation of how others should respond to my affection.

This cognitive pattern did not happen overnight but came through a series of deep and honest-to-God soul-searching, of painful trials and of letting go. I still need to constantly remind myself to think this way because, instinctively, I'm still not like that. Has to be a deliberate effort. It's funny how sometimes when I realised that I'm indulging in my old ways, I have to snap myself out of it and I would say something like, "Haiyah, it doesn't matter lah!"

A few things I learnt in the process:

1. I have mixed up expectation with hope. God's word says "love hopes...", not "love expects...". There's obviously a difference here.

2. I don't have to be the one directly responsible for my beloved's well-being. So long as they are happy, I should be satisfied even if someone else were given the privilege.

3. My capacity to love is smaller than I thought. But that doesn't surprise me because I don't really trust my own heart to begin with. However, this posture keeps me humble and allows me to be more change-ready when God sometimes graciously surfaces those impurities so I can work on those weaknesses.

4. And many more that have yet been established. For example, I'm still pondering if the knowledge of our love for our beloved should be left solely to self-discovery.

I knew I have a fear of rejection, but I never knew I have those expectations and they are contributing to the fear, directly and indirectly. During those times when I needed to lay my heart bare before myself as I cry out to God for comfort, I realised then, that those expectations in themselves, are unrealistic and, perhaps, unnecessary.

Unrealistic because my beloved may not have the same expectation. Social norms are, afterall, social norms. They create expectations but are often not a true reflection of people's feeling and needs. Mismatch expectation is the main cause of conflict and disappointment.

Unnecessary because deeming it necessary would, first of all, get me nowhere in any relationship, and also make loving conditional.

I pray that I'm in the right track towards perfecting God's unconditional love in me. I'm aware that there's that motivation of self-preservation hidden not too deep beneath somewhere. Well, of course! I'm not done yet. In fact, it would be unrealistic to think that I'm anywhere near. There are many things that I don't know and has yet been revealed to and understood by me, be it about God's love or about myself. Even the realisations as I attempt to put one and one together...well, two may not be the perfect truth.

One thing I have to be careful though. Unconditional loving can really zap-up one's energy, emotionally, mentally and physically. There must be that daily dosage of love and grace flowing from the throne of God to make it possible to do so without burn out. You have to do it God's way, God's will...not that it's any easier. I'm still not there yet, remember? And these are not quick fixes we're dealing with, hey!