Being Emotionally Responsible
Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong emotionally. Although my first instinctive answer to my own question would be a 'no', I'm open to the possibility of a stronger me depending on who (friend, stranger, peer, boss, student etc.) and the type of person (emotional, level-headed etc.) I'm dealing with. Circumstantial appropriateness and need also play a part.
On the whole, I think, it's about self-control and what you're willing to show about yourself at that precise moment. Whether what goes on on the inside, the level of emotional turmoil, depends on one's outlook of life. But what is expressed on the outside, and how it's done, comes with practice. Yes, practice. You'll be surprised if you think otherwise. Whatever it is, I believe it is important to have congruence between your beliefs and conduct, your feelings and the expression of it. Discrepancies breed hypocrisy and awkwardness, respectively.
Lately, I felt that my behaviour has been quite off character...that is if I really know myself well. On hindsight regarding certain incidents, I was surprised by my own state of calmness in the eye of hurtful bombardment. Comparing to how I would have responded to certain conduct and behaviour towards me in the past, my usual cognitive process would have led me to feel depressed and self-pity. Not that I'm totally free from them, but perhaps the equilibrating comes quicker than before. I believe it is through the understanding of the sense responsibility in one's own actions and feelings that brought me to see how unreasonable I had been to expect others to reciprocate to how I have treated them, and in the way that would make me happy.
No doubt the process had been painful, but there were gems to pick up along the way. Besides, I don't think one can truly learn such lessons any other way. And it is through relentlessly insisting in leaving my heart vulnerable to such pain (not that I go all out to seek it) that allowed me to be empathetic towards those in similar situations.
I thank God for the privilege of meeting with a friend on Sunday who confided in me regarding a setback in his love life. I'm not an expert in BGR issues but sometimes a listening ear of a trusted friend is all that's required. So as I listened and we chatted, I realised that the heart of the matter seems to be similar to mine, and not uncommon to many people out there - that we are looking more on how much we can get out of a relationship (e.g. how it can satisfy our need to have someone to love).
There's also the natural tendency to expect a reciprocation of affection. I'm not saying that it's bad to hope for an appreciation of one's such acts, that's the joy of a 2-way relationship. However, to expect it to the extent of assuming it as a standard issue, and becoming angry and bitter when others don't respond the way we want, then it could become unrealistic, and even irresponsible. In other words, if there's no such expectation, it would be easier to let go of our object of affection, or even not possessing it at all.
My rationale is based on the value of loving unconditionally and on a respect for personal choice at best. Cos who knows, the crux of it could have ultimately stem from self-preservation or self-protection.
I don't know how my friend felt after we parted but I hope that just by talking it out, he was able to organise his thoughts and untangle his confusion and liberate his pent up feelings. Sometimes that's all that's needed to return to calmness and get on with life. I also hope that my offering of another perspective would free his mind a little to see that, even in his need to see things in black & white, it is necessary to open oneself to some shades of grey, or rather to accept certain level of ambiguity - we don't have all the answers to life all the time, and that's ok.
I believe that life - the good times and the tough times - is made up of many colours, painted by the beauty of life through joyful, as well as painful, experiences.
On the whole, I think, it's about self-control and what you're willing to show about yourself at that precise moment. Whether what goes on on the inside, the level of emotional turmoil, depends on one's outlook of life. But what is expressed on the outside, and how it's done, comes with practice. Yes, practice. You'll be surprised if you think otherwise. Whatever it is, I believe it is important to have congruence between your beliefs and conduct, your feelings and the expression of it. Discrepancies breed hypocrisy and awkwardness, respectively.
Lately, I felt that my behaviour has been quite off character...that is if I really know myself well. On hindsight regarding certain incidents, I was surprised by my own state of calmness in the eye of hurtful bombardment. Comparing to how I would have responded to certain conduct and behaviour towards me in the past, my usual cognitive process would have led me to feel depressed and self-pity. Not that I'm totally free from them, but perhaps the equilibrating comes quicker than before. I believe it is through the understanding of the sense responsibility in one's own actions and feelings that brought me to see how unreasonable I had been to expect others to reciprocate to how I have treated them, and in the way that would make me happy.
No doubt the process had been painful, but there were gems to pick up along the way. Besides, I don't think one can truly learn such lessons any other way. And it is through relentlessly insisting in leaving my heart vulnerable to such pain (not that I go all out to seek it) that allowed me to be empathetic towards those in similar situations.
I thank God for the privilege of meeting with a friend on Sunday who confided in me regarding a setback in his love life. I'm not an expert in BGR issues but sometimes a listening ear of a trusted friend is all that's required. So as I listened and we chatted, I realised that the heart of the matter seems to be similar to mine, and not uncommon to many people out there - that we are looking more on how much we can get out of a relationship (e.g. how it can satisfy our need to have someone to love).
There's also the natural tendency to expect a reciprocation of affection. I'm not saying that it's bad to hope for an appreciation of one's such acts, that's the joy of a 2-way relationship. However, to expect it to the extent of assuming it as a standard issue, and becoming angry and bitter when others don't respond the way we want, then it could become unrealistic, and even irresponsible. In other words, if there's no such expectation, it would be easier to let go of our object of affection, or even not possessing it at all.
My rationale is based on the value of loving unconditionally and on a respect for personal choice at best. Cos who knows, the crux of it could have ultimately stem from self-preservation or self-protection.
I don't know how my friend felt after we parted but I hope that just by talking it out, he was able to organise his thoughts and untangle his confusion and liberate his pent up feelings. Sometimes that's all that's needed to return to calmness and get on with life. I also hope that my offering of another perspective would free his mind a little to see that, even in his need to see things in black & white, it is necessary to open oneself to some shades of grey, or rather to accept certain level of ambiguity - we don't have all the answers to life all the time, and that's ok.
I believe that life - the good times and the tough times - is made up of many colours, painted by the beauty of life through joyful, as well as painful, experiences.
Comments