Bandaged Soul...so I can open my heart to you again.

Dear XXX,   Please don’t call me, because I wouldn’t know what to say to you and nobody enjoys having awkward conversations. You can just ask me anything work related via email so don’t bother adding any elements of concern about my personal well-being because I don’t think you do. I hate hypocrites and would rather not have any small talks especially if I know it’s not going to lead to anything nurturing so I’m actually rather thankful of your outburst of crudeness when you are unhappy with me or other people. To me, you’re just my boss and someone so professional that you can work well with people you really hate. I’m not as magnanimous or unaffected like you and I fault myself for not being able to see things beyond totally impersonal. I try my best to see the truth and the objectivity of a matter and God says I need to love my neighbours as myself. Nowadays, I guess neighbours are not just residential, but people in professional setting as well. In our work environment, where w...

Before I begin, I should first disclaim that this is not about men. But THE MAN. Well it's my blog so I don't have to explain too much. I just wanna slap my own face and tell myself... BACK OFF ! Try to understand, if I must, though I can't, but don't expect others to want to be understood. So don't try to probe where it is not my position to do so. Not everyone wants to be understood, or to be known. Don't put people in a difficult position to have to stay away to avoid unwanted revelation. Sometimes we think that just because we want to be understood by someone means it should be the same for the other person. Perhaps the most obvious test would be, who's asking more personal questions than the other. Try to match. Personal spaces have to be respected and maintained accordingly. Don't go round digging from 3rd parties what was not revealed from the horse's mouth. That's actually quite disrespectful. Trust has to be earned, not coer...

This morning at breakfast, Alex reminded me of my role as a Student Development Officer. Above developing students through the arts, the core value should still be to care about the wellness of the students. I feel I have fallen a little in that aspect because I was more concern on the injustice of a JPSAE student not fulfilling her part of the deal in attending training than to be more concern on how she is doing in school. My first instinct was that she was being irresponsible for being absent without informing the committee or myself. There are many valid reasons on my part to nail her (and even her mother) down when what I should first consider is see how I can help her as a person. Why do I feel so offended and took things so personally that this is beyond breaching of “contract”, but betraying my trust? Is it really not a good thing to take it personally rather than detached? Are these 2, taking things personally versus being detached, on the opposite sides of the continuum? Perh...

Stop murmuring for one. God actually doesn't like it. Complaining is mostly about self-seeking. Self-seeking is pride and we know very well that God hates it and is the total opposite of it. And should I still be self-seeking at this point, it would be an appropriate reminder to myself that PRIDE COMES BEFORE DESTRUCTION. Nothing can be clearer. Stop holding on to what should and would never happen and let go of those fantasies that encourage me to conduct myself inappropriately or excessively. Stop trying to please men or seek their approval on my life. Would it be too proud to say that I don't need theirs? Maybe I'll just focus on pleasing God. I think just 3 for the moment would be a challenge to handle. I'll put a reminder to check out this post to review my new year resolutions. Perhaps having Don'ts is easier than Do's.

Sometimes I do wonder if we need to go down the depth of the rugged pit to feel the real desperation. From what I learnt, it seems that God will not be moved until You show Him how desperate you are. But how desperate is desperate enough? How can a person know how much they need God, or need to believe in order to satisfy the desperation level? Jesus, will You make a move even when I'm blind to my ways and numb in my soul? How do I know if it is worth the effort. I need faith to believe. To trust. To know that Your hand is already reached out waiting for mine to just move slightly. Perhaps it's my hopelessness that makes the small distance look big beyond what I'm able to bear. Can You help me to see and give me the push to act, to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? Perhaps it's my pride that causes the fear of appearing like a fool for trying too hard only to end up with nothing. Afraid that even the Almighty but Sovereign God refuse to save because tough love does not permit ...

Wind Beneath My Wings Songwriters: Jeff Alan Silbar; Larry Henley   It must have been cold there in my shadow To never have sunlight on your face You were content to let me shine, that's your way You always walked a step behind So I was the one with all the glory While you were the one with all the strength A beautiful face without a name for so long A beautiful smile to hide the pain It might have appeared to go unnoticed But I've got it all here in my heart I want you to know, I know the truth, of course I know it I would be nothing without you Did you ever know that you're my hero And everything I would like to be? I can fly higher than an eagle For you are the wind beneath my wings

In about 12 hours, Mommy would have gone to be with Jesus for exactly one year. I miss her still. We all do - her children and grandchildren. On the other hand, I thank You, Jesus, that because of You, we can celebrate her 1st year anniversary in eternity with You. Whenever I think of this, it is a hope that I'd one day get to see her again, in a place where there's only joy without sorrow, for eternity. The family will be meeting up in the evening to visit the niche at All Saints' in memory of her, and have dinner together. We gather because of her, because it was her love and giving of herself that kept us close together when she was alive. And even after she's gone, we are still knitted closely. I believe this is a legacy that she has left behind, and also something that we want to sustain. In fact, it seems we're always looking forward to spend time with each other. Mommy, we will carry on your legacy, remembering your love and your wish tha...

Such a beauty. I miss you, Mommy. Everyday...

Today I chanced upon this page in my staff profile. Mom's name is still there as the secondary emergency contact. By right I need to edit it. It's her one-year anniversary in exactly a week's time (6 Jun) that she has gone to be with Jesus. Maybe I should just leave it there :D

I opened for my beloved, But my beloved had turned away and was gone. My heart leaped up when he spoke. I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer. 7 The watchmen who went about the city found me. They struck me, they wounded me; The keepers of the walls Took my veil away from me. 8 I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, If you find my beloved, That you tell him I am lovesick! - Songs 5:6-8 I'm lovesick and I'm not taking the test well. The test of Your withdrawal. The test for myself if You are a mere source of my satisfaction, or are you the consuming reason for my very life. How can I make You the consuming reason for my life? My lifestyle is reflecting a condition so far away from it. So far I'm not even sure if I see you as the only source of true satisfaction. I request for the actualization of Your prayer in me. The prayer recorded in John 17:26 where You asked that the love with which the Father have loved You may be in Your dis...

I wonder if the so-called leaders at my workplace are healthy... we are supposed to be producing leaders, aren't we? Are you healthy? -------------------------- 6 Danger Signs of Unhealthy Leadership by Leroy Barber Leading is not an easy job, and for most of us, it is trying to find balance between managing our own lives and mistakes while leading people. This can prove to be quite difficult and can lead to a ton of complications if not done well. There are a few signs to look for that will warn us if a leader is headed in the right direction and can help guide when deciding to give someone our support. I call them the red flags of leadership. 1. The use of too many personal pronouns when describing the work of a team or organization. Most, if not all, great accomplishments are the result of a good team. No one does everything themselves, and when a leader over uses “I” and “me” to describe the work of an organization, you might have a problem. 2. When a leader surrounds him or he...

Lately I've put myself up on a dating website with encouragement from colleagues. It has been an interesting experience, broadening my perspective of chatting up strangers and challenging my self-concept. I've never seen myself as attractive by the common social standards and my profile on the website is an honest one. So when people say they like what they saw and start messaging me and say they want to marry me after a few exchanges, I can't help but doubt their intention and put up the romance-scam alert. One strange phenomenon is their willingness to get into long-distance relationship. Most who state their interest are from overseas - mainly US and UK. I tell them straight on that I'm apprehensive about start developing a serious relationship with someone I've never met in person. I quote myself below from a recent reply to this German guy who signed off with Salam (I've also stated clearly that I am a Christian seeking someone of the same faith). "Yes...

By Lee Cockerell I think that the first part of my answer would be to tell you that you should just do your job... and do it well... and focus on what you can do and not what you can’t do. There is no doubt that all of us have had to work with people... or work for people... or have people report to us... that we did not like and even sometimes did not trust. You can stay in that situation and do the best you can, or you can try to move to another position if this bothers you too much. You can also go down the path of trying to better understand why you don’t like the person or why you don’t trust him or her and then think about whether you would be willing to sit down and discuss this with the person. For some of you, if it is serious enough, you might want to have your Human Resources Manager get involved to try to sort out what the issue is. Remember the old saying, “Don’t let the turkeys get you down”? YOU just do the best you can. There is another old saying, and that one is, “Don...

Discover the Cure for Loneliness Are you a single Christian struggling with loneliness? Discover the cure for loneliness by examining these biblical principles with Jack Zavada . Loneliness: Toothache of the Soul Loneliness is one of life's most miserable experiences. Everyone feels lonely at times, but is there a message for us in loneliness? Is there a way we can turn it into something positive? Sometimes loneliness is a temporary condition that departs in a few hours or a couple days. But when you're burdened with this emotion for weeks, months, or even years, it's definitely telling you something. In a sense, loneliness is like a toothache: It's a warning signal that something is wrong. And like a toothache, if left unattended, it usually gets worse. Your first response to loneliness may be to self-medicate - to try home remedies to make it go away. Busyness is a common treatment. You may think that if you fill your life with so many activities that you don't ha...

In my life, I can only think of 4 stalls of wanton noodle that would make me go back for more, in chronological order: 1. The one near my old house at Jalan Kukoh market; 2. 飛飛雲吞面 at Joo Chiat Place; 3. Ah Seng's at the lower level Dunman Food Centre; 4. The one at Level 1 of Cornerstone Community Church building (Odeon Katong). 飛飛雲吞面 was really just history if it had not been for Kenneth who (re)introduced me to that place on 6 Oct 11 for supper. I couldn't confirm if it was the same place at first and I didn't know it comes by that name when I first went there during KPC (Katong Presbyterian Church) days. It was the taste of the 雲吞 and the chilli that really hit it home. It is so true that taste and smell have memories. So I've been going there for late dinner, supper, with Kenneth, other friends and sometimes by myself almost everyday since then. I still haven't gotten sick of it yet! The people at the shop were mostly friendly, too. I went there so that ...

Abba Father, I commit our Cambodia trip into your hand. Please guide us in the right direction. And if we have Your grace to go for our scheduled Community Service trip to Cambodia as a family, I pray that You clear the path and still the storm. Allow us to bring love and joy to those who in need. Although not all of us are believers, for those who are, may we be stirred up to go in Your name and give You all the glory. It is You who makes all things possible. Without You, all our good deeds would be in vain. Nevertheless, I know You can use whatever we can give, regardless of our motivation. We are not doing much, but if it is in Your favour that we be a part of meeting the needs of the people You love and how You are answering to their cries, I pray Your amazing grace travels with us and be among us. That Your name may be glorified, that Your promise that our households be saved because of any one of us in the family. Replace the floods of water with floods of Your love, through us, ...

It was our first session at AG Home tonight. 6 female volunteers and about 20 something teenage girls supervised by their AD, in one old classroom, coming together in a manner which would never have been possible if not for the love and grace of God. This is a new initiative by CCSC which would only occupy the fifth Monday of the month - as and when there's one. So the next session to be conducted by this team is in Jan 2012. Led worship today, accompanied on the guitar by Christine. 赞美主, Let Evereything That Has Breath, and Still. Went through the songs very briefly - the girls sang especially loudly for the 3rd song. The session was a bit draggy, I thought. The girls were a little restless but I guess most of them were tired. Not many were believers but they were generally cooperative. It was a rather enjoyable experience. What would it take for them to worship God for real?

Today has been a really eventful day. Woke up early morning at 6.15am for rehearsal in Church at 7am. After Praise and Worship session, I ducked out of service to meet up with the team going to minister at Andrew and Grace Home chapel tomorrow. Straight after, I drove to Siew Chin's at Choa Chu Kang for 1pm lunch. Her mom cooked yam abacus, yummmmm... Hung around watching some Taiwanese variety show on her very comfortable couch. Lost track of time if not for Siew Fong's reminder that it was already 4.15pm. I left almost immediately to RP but not before given a pack of yam abacus and an iPod radio player - Siew Chin had an extra unit originally a bought for Siew Fong but she didn't want it. Anyway, Guna had asked me to sing for an event. It was only on arrival at RP's Agora Hall LT 5 that I realized it was the World Tamil Writers Conference. The performance was ok. Fortunately it was an informal performance setting and that allowed me to refer to lyrics. Performed ...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus Look full in His wonderful face And the things on earth will grow strangely dim In the light of His glory and grace It feels lousy to base my perception on people's facial expression. First of all, you don't know whether it is in sync with what they are really thinking. But because of past encounters and what self-perception, things seem bleak. It's probably stupid to let myself indulge in self-pity. Isn't it naive to expect bosses to be genuinely loving and merciful. I hate self-pity. I need the discipline to get out of it and not let it paralyse me. Lately I find myself sighing a lot. I think I'm feeling a little demotivated and I hate the fact that I actually let it out instead of keeping it in when I'm in front of others. I'm a bad testimony against the hope I'm supposed to have in Christ. Tsk, I did it again! :( Where has all my love gone to? Don't you remember, Cynthia, to love only those who love you has no benefits? ...

I get it, you want me to improve. Sometimes, perhaps the imperfection in people - both the sender and the receiver - causes the message not to sit well. Perhaps I just can't get the hint. Or the hardness of it is a result of my naive perception of how such message should be sent - out of love. But I forgot that this is an imperfect world. They don't operate out of love. At least the one who appraises you is not obliged to provide that conducive environment to tell you you're not doing a good enough job and you need to improve.