Emotional Censorship
I feel that my heart is tearing apart. Don't really know how to explain it, and why exactly. Of course I know what's triggering it, but the underlying reason seems a bit more complex and multi-faceted than what I'm able to handle all at once.
In our commonly-understood social context, perhaps the 'trigger' might be frown upon by the narrow-minded. When can I find someone whom I can trust, AND who will not plunge the flag of his/her moral compass into my heart? Or maybe I'm just refusing to be comforted. Sometimes it's not the confiding that we need, but there's only that someone that we want to confide in. No one else will do.
I need to know the truth, as only the truth can truly liberate. Even if the truth and my correct response to it might hurt, and I'm scared. Somehow I have a feeling that the pain is inevitable for this one. But as long as I do not allow self-pity to set in, I'm sure the process would not be prolonged unnecessarily.
So I'm gonna let the Expert do His work of comforting and healing. My Abba Father is the only one I can trust for He knows me inside out and there's nothing I can hide from Him, anyway. He knows me more than I know myself.
How much do you know yourself? How would you know what you don't know? Have you ever been surprised by yourself? Your thoughts, your words, and your deeds?
Abba, show me Your treasures in my darkness. I know You will not waste my pain and my tears.
Psalm 139:1-18
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
I feel for the character, Liu, in Puccini's Turandot. Somehow, I understood her sacrifice.
C S Lewis revisited:
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
In our commonly-understood social context, perhaps the 'trigger' might be frown upon by the narrow-minded. When can I find someone whom I can trust, AND who will not plunge the flag of his/her moral compass into my heart? Or maybe I'm just refusing to be comforted. Sometimes it's not the confiding that we need, but there's only that someone that we want to confide in. No one else will do.
I need to know the truth, as only the truth can truly liberate. Even if the truth and my correct response to it might hurt, and I'm scared. Somehow I have a feeling that the pain is inevitable for this one. But as long as I do not allow self-pity to set in, I'm sure the process would not be prolonged unnecessarily.
So I'm gonna let the Expert do His work of comforting and healing. My Abba Father is the only one I can trust for He knows me inside out and there's nothing I can hide from Him, anyway. He knows me more than I know myself.
How much do you know yourself? How would you know what you don't know? Have you ever been surprised by yourself? Your thoughts, your words, and your deeds?
Abba, show me Your treasures in my darkness. I know You will not waste my pain and my tears.
Psalm 139:1-18
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
I feel for the character, Liu, in Puccini's Turandot. Somehow, I understood her sacrifice.
C S Lewis revisited:
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
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