Bandaged Soul...so I can open my heart to you again.

My heart aches as I read about God in the Old Testament, when time and time again giving in to the cries of the Israelites to deliver them who got themselves into trouble because of their own sins. My heart aches for I feel for His pain because of His love for them. I wouldn't dare to say I know how He feels exactly. I'm sure no one ever will understand completely. And I think if He let me in on His emotion, I would die more than a thousand times over. My bones would be sucked off their marrow till there's no more. Jesus said that He and the Father are one. He kept emphasising this fact in the gospel of John. He was sent by the Father to do His will - let the blind see and blind those who "sees". Jesus did so many miracles throughout His three years of ministry, and yet they still did not believe that He is the Son of God, Jesus, the Christ. (John 12:37)  John 12:40 “He has blinded their eyes and hardened their hearts, Lest they should see...

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9 I believe that God, in His love and mercy, has used many events leading to this new year and led me in my thought processes to awaken my soul and spirit within me. After a month of determination to ensure I keep up with my #365, I am beginning to see the fruit of my labour. I feel I'm more sensitive to God's teaching at Kingdom Invasion (so much more than past three years'), and everything seems to be falling into place. I guess my changing of job scope after 17.5 years was a step of faith that allowed me to cross over into a state of freedom and new beginnings. The kind that is the right thing to do at the opportune time. Not that I was dissatisfied with my work with my students. In fact, I feel that I still have that heart for youth development. The change was preparing me to become new wineskin fo...

So beautiful... Psalms 18:25-36 "With the merciful You will show Yourself merciful; w ith a blameless man You will show Yourself blameless; with  the pure You will show Yourself pure; and  with the devious You will show Yourself shrewd. For You will save the humble people, but  will bring down haughty looks. For You will light my lamp; the  Lord my God will enlighten my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop, by  my God I can leap over a wall. As for God, His way is perfect; the  word of the Lord is proven; He  is a shield to all who trust in Him. For who is God, except the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? It is God who arms me with strength, and  makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and  sets me on my high places. He teaches my hands to make war, so  that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your  right hand has held me up, Your  gentlen...

This afternoon I found a need and an opportunity to talk to one of the Church pastors about an issue that has been bothering me recently. On how to treat people with a pastoral heart without compromising excellence in service towards God. An affirmation I received was the need to set a standard for the ministry so that we serve not out of convenience but that we be prepared to have some sacrifices and to be inconvenienced. That we can equally make excuses not to do something as much as we can make excuses so we can do something. It reminded me again of the scripture that where your treasure is, there you heart will be also. (Matthew 6:21) Perhaps some people do not understand what is expected of them. So there's a need to communicate it clearly, ask God for wisdom and I think also to ask God to increase my heart so I have greater capacity to love while having the responsibility to be firm. Pastor also alerted me to discuss this with WD so that whatever standard that I need to impos...

A new found meaning to hate sin is getting me to another level. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God FORNICATION : voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other. This means if I were to watch any show that makes sex outside marriage a beautiful and romantic one, which is rampant in most movies and drama nowadays, then it's gonna desensitise me from feeling it's not ok! And we know how when we are desensitised to something, it becomes permissible and eventually even desirable when the urges come. There is then less of a desire to stay clear and we are deceived into feeling, "Oh, God will understand. And I'm better off than 75% of the world." Such sel...

It's been 45 days into my new job scope after 18 years (minus 2 in between) of the same. New playground, new skills to acquire, and new boss and team mates to manage. Just like Cornerstone is celebrating its 20th, TP its 25th and Singapore her 50th, I feel that my change is another milestone crossed. I thought I would not be able to. I'm surprised that the transition has been rather smooth, with lots of support from trusted colleagues which I'm really thankful to God for. Recently I learnt and became aware of the need to contend for things that seemed ok not to have, in particularly marriage. There's the idea of being contented with Jesus being my Husbandman, the only One I need to please. A friend explained that if God had intended for me to be a celibate, He would have told me earlier and with that gift there wouldn't be a desire to look out for a relationship, which I am still. In my own thought, He wouldn't have wait till I am at a stage and age where I wo...

Stationed at the alumni booth this whole week, I saw thousands of fresh graduates attending the 14 sessions of ceremony that marked a new life's chapter. But when I saw the cohort of part-time diploma students streaming out in their graduation gowns with their family, I can't help feeling a deep sense of admiration for their achievements. Behind them stood their parents and many, their spouse and children, which also signified their juggles to fulfil family responsibilities, work and school. They are such an inspiration! See the many happy faces at facebook.com/temasekpolyalumni #tpalumni #temasekpolyalumni #perseverance #fruitoflabour #labouroflove #livelifetothefullest #deepadmiration #speechless

My 18th year in the same position, though a progressive and evolving one, has finally come to an end. By the grace of God, He has sustained me. And with His peace, I am now being led to lie down in green pasture. This week I had the liberty of not attending any of the auditions. I was assured by the new caretaker to autopilot. I trust he knew what he was doing because I am certainly enjoying my free time at night. From Monday to Wednesday, I drove out of campus when the sky is still blue and only slightly dimmed. I had dinner with Gerold and even had time to drive back to campus on Wednesday to show him around and chill at McD. This week saw many people with new path. Gerold started his 2 months at CSCC internship programme, Xu Li started his one-month programme at Proskeuno Institute, and I'm diving into a new division in a few hours. It's the official date. Also I'm starting a new phase of realisation of what it would be like to not stay alone, perhaps consider the possib...

I'm actually quite affected when you say I'm full of excuses that I can't go for the walk. I hate to disappoint you but it's no point explaining further because you're probably not taking it too hard. Just messing with me like a joke. Maybe I shouldn't be affected at all. It's too heavy an emotion for the kind of relationship I should hope to keep between us.

After my last post more than 10 months ago, I'm finally filling in the words into this blog again. The first thought that came to my mind when I open my blog and saw the last entry title was that I had hardly Carpe-d Diem...to much regrets. But before I blabber on as I know I would just on my regrets alone, I want to remember my impulse to write now was triggered by a conversation with an old staff who talked about having found the lost grave of his grandmother. How interesting! From this short conversation, actually while we were doing some photocopying, I learned that Singapore's first female doctor was Dr Lee Choo Neo . More info on her here . Wah... This reminded me of the US drama series, "Love Comes Softly" which I recently finished watching (who knows there might be more sequel) where one of the characters was the only female doctor in her town and where she went to serve as doctor later. Now that I have sparked off a post, I hope that I would really get ...

"Carpe Diem tells us to free ourselves from the worries, the anger and the negativity that is holding us back sometimes. It reminds us that it doesn’t matter where you came from, what you went through in the past; the only thing that matters is where you are going and that your future destination starts with the steps you take today." - Bernard Marr http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20130805051349-64875646-the-2-words-that-will-change-your-life-forever?trk=mp-reader-card I know this sounds a little cliche, but it is still a good reminder to Seize The Day . For today is the day that the Lord has made. Today, every day. I can't seize yesterday nor can I guarantee that there's a tomorrow. But today, as the Lord has sustained me, Father, let me remember not to waste it. Remind me to desire being led by Your Holy presence.

Dear XXX,   Please don’t call me, because I wouldn’t know what to say to you and nobody enjoys having awkward conversations. You can just ask me anything work related via email so don’t bother adding any elements of concern about my personal well-being because I don’t think you do. I hate hypocrites and would rather not have any small talks especially if I know it’s not going to lead to anything nurturing so I’m actually rather thankful of your outburst of crudeness when you are unhappy with me or other people. To me, you’re just my boss and someone so professional that you can work well with people you really hate. I’m not as magnanimous or unaffected like you and I fault myself for not being able to see things beyond totally impersonal. I try my best to see the truth and the objectivity of a matter and God says I need to love my neighbours as myself. Nowadays, I guess neighbours are not just residential, but people in professional setting as well. In our work environment, where w...

Before I begin, I should first disclaim that this is not about men. But THE MAN. Well it's my blog so I don't have to explain too much. I just wanna slap my own face and tell myself... BACK OFF ! Try to understand, if I must, though I can't, but don't expect others to want to be understood. So don't try to probe where it is not my position to do so. Not everyone wants to be understood, or to be known. Don't put people in a difficult position to have to stay away to avoid unwanted revelation. Sometimes we think that just because we want to be understood by someone means it should be the same for the other person. Perhaps the most obvious test would be, who's asking more personal questions than the other. Try to match. Personal spaces have to be respected and maintained accordingly. Don't go round digging from 3rd parties what was not revealed from the horse's mouth. That's actually quite disrespectful. Trust has to be earned, not coer...

This morning at breakfast, Alex reminded me of my role as a Student Development Officer. Above developing students through the arts, the core value should still be to care about the wellness of the students. I feel I have fallen a little in that aspect because I was more concern on the injustice of a JPSAE student not fulfilling her part of the deal in attending training than to be more concern on how she is doing in school. My first instinct was that she was being irresponsible for being absent without informing the committee or myself. There are many valid reasons on my part to nail her (and even her mother) down when what I should first consider is see how I can help her as a person. Why do I feel so offended and took things so personally that this is beyond breaching of “contract”, but betraying my trust? Is it really not a good thing to take it personally rather than detached? Are these 2, taking things personally versus being detached, on the opposite sides of the continuum? Perh...

Stop murmuring for one. God actually doesn't like it. Complaining is mostly about self-seeking. Self-seeking is pride and we know very well that God hates it and is the total opposite of it. And should I still be self-seeking at this point, it would be an appropriate reminder to myself that PRIDE COMES BEFORE DESTRUCTION. Nothing can be clearer. Stop holding on to what should and would never happen and let go of those fantasies that encourage me to conduct myself inappropriately or excessively. Stop trying to please men or seek their approval on my life. Would it be too proud to say that I don't need theirs? Maybe I'll just focus on pleasing God. I think just 3 for the moment would be a challenge to handle. I'll put a reminder to check out this post to review my new year resolutions. Perhaps having Don'ts is easier than Do's.

Sometimes I do wonder if we need to go down the depth of the rugged pit to feel the real desperation. From what I learnt, it seems that God will not be moved until You show Him how desperate you are. But how desperate is desperate enough? How can a person know how much they need God, or need to believe in order to satisfy the desperation level? Jesus, will You make a move even when I'm blind to my ways and numb in my soul? How do I know if it is worth the effort. I need faith to believe. To trust. To know that Your hand is already reached out waiting for mine to just move slightly. Perhaps it's my hopelessness that makes the small distance look big beyond what I'm able to bear. Can You help me to see and give me the push to act, to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? Perhaps it's my pride that causes the fear of appearing like a fool for trying too hard only to end up with nothing. Afraid that even the Almighty but Sovereign God refuse to save because tough love does not permit ...

Wind Beneath My Wings Songwriters: Jeff Alan Silbar; Larry Henley   It must have been cold there in my shadow To never have sunlight on your face You were content to let me shine, that's your way You always walked a step behind So I was the one with all the glory While you were the one with all the strength A beautiful face without a name for so long A beautiful smile to hide the pain It might have appeared to go unnoticed But I've got it all here in my heart I want you to know, I know the truth, of course I know it I would be nothing without you Did you ever know that you're my hero And everything I would like to be? I can fly higher than an eagle For you are the wind beneath my wings

In about 12 hours, Mommy would have gone to be with Jesus for exactly one year. I miss her still. We all do - her children and grandchildren. On the other hand, I thank You, Jesus, that because of You, we can celebrate her 1st year anniversary in eternity with You. Whenever I think of this, it is a hope that I'd one day get to see her again, in a place where there's only joy without sorrow, for eternity. The family will be meeting up in the evening to visit the niche at All Saints' in memory of her, and have dinner together. We gather because of her, because it was her love and giving of herself that kept us close together when she was alive. And even after she's gone, we are still knitted closely. I believe this is a legacy that she has left behind, and also something that we want to sustain. In fact, it seems we're always looking forward to spend time with each other. Mommy, we will carry on your legacy, remembering your love and your wish tha...

Such a beauty. I miss you, Mommy. Everyday...

Today I chanced upon this page in my staff profile. Mom's name is still there as the secondary emergency contact. By right I need to edit it. It's her one-year anniversary in exactly a week's time (6 Jun) that she has gone to be with Jesus. Maybe I should just leave it there :D