Choosing To Be Hurt
I seem to have lost the momentum to blog and msn nowadays. After an episode of very discouraging conversation, I must say I was quite affected. It left me speechless in more ways than one. There were several things that I wanted to do and say, but I was almost immediately smacked in the face with all the "what's the point?" I wouldn't say that I have resolved it totally, though it's not like I don't want to lay it down.
Yes, I've chosen to be hurt, and I allowed myself to dwell in it for awhile, maybe longer than I should. It has been a prolonged period of pain. I've forgiven. I have to. But I think what I'm dealing with is the doubts I have about a friendship in terms of how much, or how little, I am valued (if I'm at all valued).
It probably sounds silly, really, and I can imagine that it may even seem insulting if my doubts were unfounded. But I can't help it. I cried about it, prayed about it, and I believe God has brought me through this tough period. There had been times where the wounds cut so deep and so much beyond my understanding that I got tired of thinking so hard that it could be anything less unkind than what the words and actions seem to be. Love "is not provoked" and "thinks no evil". For months I've been trying to stay positive, think good thoughts. So optimistic that on bad days, I felt like a fool. I really don't know how long more I can hold on.
I'm reminded of some lines from one movie I watched a few months ago:
"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself..."
I feel this is somewhat related to something I learnt about empathy in a staff forum I attended this morning. Empathy is practised on the basis of an assumption of the good intentions of others, and in recognizing people for their special and unique spirits.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails.
Love "is not provoked" and "thinks no evil". Among the other definitions of love in this passage, these 2 rings really loudly pertaining to this new insight I perceive about empathy.
Yes, I will not give in to allow my heart to be hardened by the wounds. There are more to life than these, no matter how real and painful those episodes are. Just deal with it. Yet in my heart of heart, I pray that someday it could be easier, that I may see the fruit of my labour. Perhaps in that relationship, perhaps in getting the treasures of darkness. That would be nice. Whatever it is, I know God will not waste the pain. Abba will store my tears in a bottle. He is my Healer.
Yes, I've chosen to be hurt, and I allowed myself to dwell in it for awhile, maybe longer than I should. It has been a prolonged period of pain. I've forgiven. I have to. But I think what I'm dealing with is the doubts I have about a friendship in terms of how much, or how little, I am valued (if I'm at all valued).
It probably sounds silly, really, and I can imagine that it may even seem insulting if my doubts were unfounded. But I can't help it. I cried about it, prayed about it, and I believe God has brought me through this tough period. There had been times where the wounds cut so deep and so much beyond my understanding that I got tired of thinking so hard that it could be anything less unkind than what the words and actions seem to be. Love "is not provoked" and "thinks no evil". For months I've been trying to stay positive, think good thoughts. So optimistic that on bad days, I felt like a fool. I really don't know how long more I can hold on.
I'm reminded of some lines from one movie I watched a few months ago:
"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself..."
I feel this is somewhat related to something I learnt about empathy in a staff forum I attended this morning. Empathy is practised on the basis of an assumption of the good intentions of others, and in recognizing people for their special and unique spirits.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails.
Love "is not provoked" and "thinks no evil". Among the other definitions of love in this passage, these 2 rings really loudly pertaining to this new insight I perceive about empathy.
Yes, I will not give in to allow my heart to be hardened by the wounds. There are more to life than these, no matter how real and painful those episodes are. Just deal with it. Yet in my heart of heart, I pray that someday it could be easier, that I may see the fruit of my labour. Perhaps in that relationship, perhaps in getting the treasures of darkness. That would be nice. Whatever it is, I know God will not waste the pain. Abba will store my tears in a bottle. He is my Healer.
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