Feeling Abandoned
I've this thing about being abandoned. I HATE IT!
I felt it yesterday. Yesterday's came in waves, from morning till evening. I felt like disappearing, like why should I even bother when others are not. But if I do disappear, I would just become like an abandoner myself. Gotta be careful, cos I know how it feels to be an abandonee.
It's happened to me before, by people around me, of all affiliations. When you are abandoned, you are preferred over another, no longer regarded as important, would rather have nothing to do with, bailed out of. People make a choice to exclude your presence and have no interest in your feelings, or worse, despite knowing how you would feel.
Sometimes it is not personal, but because of your strong attachment to something (e.g. a group) or another person, you somehow can't help getting affected if your attachments have been looked over.
Being abandoned can do quite a bit to a person's self-worth and self-esteem. If it has been done to you long and frequent enough, it can be difficult to make that choice not to believe it, or to take it as something personal. It brings with it a feeling of rejection, too. After a while, you get tired of giving excuses for the abandoner to make yourself feel better. After a while, you'd probably accept it as a matter of fact. And after a while, relationships based on utilitarianism is seen as valuable. At least you're worth being made use of...until you're of no utility value anymore. And if that's your value system about yourself, it's likely the case that's how you would regard others. Or be very sensitive to it, like me.
I thank my God above for showing me that I'm worth it, that He's not indifferent towards me, that He loves me very much. I'm still learning to trust His promise of absolute faithfulness because it is beyond my understanding. His absolute unconditional love is sometimes a mystery to me. Unfathomable. Jesus died for me, while I was still a sinner. I am not a lost cause...this itself, is a mystery to me.
Abandoners - Why get yourself involved and allow things to happen in such a way that you can't wait to get yourself out of it before it's supposed to end?
I just thought of what a student leader once told me, that he would come back and see how the juniors are doing after he graduates. That meant a lot to me, probably more than he knows. So I hope he remembers as I believe he won't say things if he don't mean it.
I felt it yesterday. Yesterday's came in waves, from morning till evening. I felt like disappearing, like why should I even bother when others are not. But if I do disappear, I would just become like an abandoner myself. Gotta be careful, cos I know how it feels to be an abandonee.
It's happened to me before, by people around me, of all affiliations. When you are abandoned, you are preferred over another, no longer regarded as important, would rather have nothing to do with, bailed out of. People make a choice to exclude your presence and have no interest in your feelings, or worse, despite knowing how you would feel.
Sometimes it is not personal, but because of your strong attachment to something (e.g. a group) or another person, you somehow can't help getting affected if your attachments have been looked over.
Being abandoned can do quite a bit to a person's self-worth and self-esteem. If it has been done to you long and frequent enough, it can be difficult to make that choice not to believe it, or to take it as something personal. It brings with it a feeling of rejection, too. After a while, you get tired of giving excuses for the abandoner to make yourself feel better. After a while, you'd probably accept it as a matter of fact. And after a while, relationships based on utilitarianism is seen as valuable. At least you're worth being made use of...until you're of no utility value anymore. And if that's your value system about yourself, it's likely the case that's how you would regard others. Or be very sensitive to it, like me.
I thank my God above for showing me that I'm worth it, that He's not indifferent towards me, that He loves me very much. I'm still learning to trust His promise of absolute faithfulness because it is beyond my understanding. His absolute unconditional love is sometimes a mystery to me. Unfathomable. Jesus died for me, while I was still a sinner. I am not a lost cause...this itself, is a mystery to me.
Abandoners - Why get yourself involved and allow things to happen in such a way that you can't wait to get yourself out of it before it's supposed to end?
I just thought of what a student leader once told me, that he would come back and see how the juniors are doing after he graduates. That meant a lot to me, probably more than he knows. So I hope he remembers as I believe he won't say things if he don't mean it.
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