Is Loving Worth The Hurting?
My colleague loved it, my manager raved about it. And knowing that it's a movie about C S Lewis (Clive Staples "Jack" Lewis, to be exact), I just had to get hold of it.
So I watched the movie, Shadowlands, on DVD yesterday. The film basically tells of the true story of the man whose profound words I have found myself to be pondering deeply about these past months. Playing the character of Lewis is Anthony Hopkins, one of my favourite actors.
At this point it is probably more interesting for the present generation to note that Lewis was good friends with J R R Tolkien, author of Lord Of The Rings.
Watching Shadowlands evoked some things within me which I thought I had resolved. Perhaps my feelings have evolved as more truth pertaining to issues of love and affection came my way. Experiences do change our point of view, don't you agree?
Well, you see, the film portrayed Lewis' love life and his grief at the death of his wife. The relationship between him and his wife before and after they were married gave me quite a bit of insight about the issue of love. So again I speak my mind...
I tried to pretend that what you do and say doesn't bother me, at least not as much as it should appear to be. I feel that people around me wouldn't be able to handle or understand this. Everytime I try confiding in someone about this, I feel like I am in the mode of justifying what kind of love this is and it irritates me greatly.
Firstly, it's because I do have my doubts about the purity of it all. You know, it's this thing again about the heart being deceitful, and so on. Is it really as pure as I am intending it to be?
Secondly, I feel so inhibited by the need to maintain my conduct in a way that is acceptable to our social circles, and in fear of being misunderstood. Perhaps it shouldn't matter, yet I wouldn't want to stumble anyone. Not everyone can be so open-minded or liberal, not that it is always good as such could be easily abused.
Oh, the tragedy for me is that, even you might not be able to handle or understand it. I don't think you know just how much my mind have been enriched by our exchanges. You make me think of issues in ways that I'd never thought of before. God has a way of teaching us things when we are in a position of teachability and desire what's true and what really matters. And I can't risk your possible distancing if I come clean. The consequence would be irrevocable. Perhaps you would have done the same.
So I pretend to be less bothered, and I wonder if I've crossed the line towards hypocrisy. Is there even a line in the first place? I want to know that you know how much you mean to me...without freaking you out. Sometimes I feel guilty thinking that perhaps I might have loved you more than I should.
So I can only make myself known here. That's my way of showing that I respect you enough not to impose my feelings on you. I don't know if you would ever read this and only God knows how you feel if you knew it's you I'm talking about.
So why love if losing hurts so much? Is it really worth the pain? Honestly, I have no answer to that. What am I to do with my true feelings? I tried to not continue in hoping for more out of it so I can protect myself from being hurt. But then I wouldn't be true to my own feelings, would I? Don't I have the right to love whether or not it would be received?
And why that particular person? I don't think you need a reason to love someone. Sometimes you really can't specify it, especially when the affection has grown deeper through the days. I mean, you'd need to know when it all began, and that I can't pin-point either.
For the one who is afraid of the pain - the pain now is part of the happiness then, or the pain then is part of the happiness now, depending on the order of the pain and happiness. I'm still trying to understand this...
More about C S Lewis.
So I watched the movie, Shadowlands, on DVD yesterday. The film basically tells of the true story of the man whose profound words I have found myself to be pondering deeply about these past months. Playing the character of Lewis is Anthony Hopkins, one of my favourite actors.
At this point it is probably more interesting for the present generation to note that Lewis was good friends with J R R Tolkien, author of Lord Of The Rings.
Watching Shadowlands evoked some things within me which I thought I had resolved. Perhaps my feelings have evolved as more truth pertaining to issues of love and affection came my way. Experiences do change our point of view, don't you agree?
Well, you see, the film portrayed Lewis' love life and his grief at the death of his wife. The relationship between him and his wife before and after they were married gave me quite a bit of insight about the issue of love. So again I speak my mind...
I tried to pretend that what you do and say doesn't bother me, at least not as much as it should appear to be. I feel that people around me wouldn't be able to handle or understand this. Everytime I try confiding in someone about this, I feel like I am in the mode of justifying what kind of love this is and it irritates me greatly.
Firstly, it's because I do have my doubts about the purity of it all. You know, it's this thing again about the heart being deceitful, and so on. Is it really as pure as I am intending it to be?
Secondly, I feel so inhibited by the need to maintain my conduct in a way that is acceptable to our social circles, and in fear of being misunderstood. Perhaps it shouldn't matter, yet I wouldn't want to stumble anyone. Not everyone can be so open-minded or liberal, not that it is always good as such could be easily abused.
Oh, the tragedy for me is that, even you might not be able to handle or understand it. I don't think you know just how much my mind have been enriched by our exchanges. You make me think of issues in ways that I'd never thought of before. God has a way of teaching us things when we are in a position of teachability and desire what's true and what really matters. And I can't risk your possible distancing if I come clean. The consequence would be irrevocable. Perhaps you would have done the same.
So I pretend to be less bothered, and I wonder if I've crossed the line towards hypocrisy. Is there even a line in the first place? I want to know that you know how much you mean to me...without freaking you out. Sometimes I feel guilty thinking that perhaps I might have loved you more than I should.
So I can only make myself known here. That's my way of showing that I respect you enough not to impose my feelings on you. I don't know if you would ever read this and only God knows how you feel if you knew it's you I'm talking about.
So why love if losing hurts so much? Is it really worth the pain? Honestly, I have no answer to that. What am I to do with my true feelings? I tried to not continue in hoping for more out of it so I can protect myself from being hurt. But then I wouldn't be true to my own feelings, would I? Don't I have the right to love whether or not it would be received?
And why that particular person? I don't think you need a reason to love someone. Sometimes you really can't specify it, especially when the affection has grown deeper through the days. I mean, you'd need to know when it all began, and that I can't pin-point either.
For the one who is afraid of the pain - the pain now is part of the happiness then, or the pain then is part of the happiness now, depending on the order of the pain and happiness. I'm still trying to understand this...
More about C S Lewis.
