Bandaged Soul...so I can open my heart to you again.

The Rose By Bette Midler Some say love, it is a river That drowns the tender reed Some say love, it is a razor That leaves your soul to bleed Some say love, it is a hunger An endless aching need I say love, it is a flower And you its only seed It's the heart afraid of breaking That never learns to dance It's the dream afraid of waking That never takes the chance It's the one who won't be taken Who cannot seem to give And the soul afraid of dyin' That never learns to live When the night has been too lonely And the road has been too long And you think that love is only For the lucky and the strong Just remember in the winter Far beneath the bitter snows Lies the seed that with the sun's love In the spring becomes the rose

So I learnt something new again... An overture is an instrumental composition intended especially as an introduction to an extended work, such as an opera or oratorio. It can also mean a similar orchestral work intended for independent concert performance. And 'aria' is a solo vocal piece with instrumental accompaniment, as in an opera. Sounds random right? But it's important knowledge if you're the Advisor to a concert band. And it saves you the embarrassment when someone asks you if you remember listening to a certain overture in an opera you've watched. Its definition alone should give you a clue at a fff level that it was performed at the beginning before the opera... and not during. Tootatitoot! A big DANG! till your head concuss, can? So bad that you wake up in the morning blogging about it. You get the drift...

THE WAY I WAS MADE From Chris Tomlin’s Album: Arriving Caught in the half-light I’m caught alone Waking up to the sunrise and the radio Feels like I’m tied-up What’s holding me? Just praying today will be the day I go free I want to live like there’s no tomorrow I want to dance like no one’s around I want to sing like nobody’s listening Before I lay my body down I want to give like I have plenty I want to love like I’m not afraid I want to be the man I was meant to be I want to be the way I was made Made in Your likeness Made with Your hands Made to discover who You are and who I am All I’ve forgotten help me to find All that You’ve promised let it be in my life I want to live like there’s no tomorrow I want to dance like no one’s around I want to sing like nobody’s listening Before I lay my body down I want to give like I have plenty I want to love like I’m not afraid I want to be the man I was meant to be I want to be the way I was made Ohhh… The way I was made Ohhh… I want t...

Perhaps it was the band practice last night that got me all wired up, but I'm truly quite excited about where TP Band is heading. My prayer is that this band would continue to move in this direction, to progress with every new batch of Management Committee, and that the dynamics of music-making with new people coming in every year would add to its maturity in quality. It hasn't been easy for any of the Management Comittees to make it happen because it would mean moving against the flow and dragging people out of their comfort zone. Along the way, many have misunderstood and even frowned upon the necessary changes. And many times, the student leaders simply stopped trying because they couldn't see beyond what seemed like futility. Sometimes I wonder what people mean when they say they love the band (or anything, or anybody). What is their definition of love and which aspect of it do they have that affection for? If you love something, wouldn't you want it to become bette...

I had butterflies in my stomach every minute I thought of going for my first band practice this evening. The 2 big butterflies of anxiety and excitement was fluttering within me the whole day. Thank God work at SAA is always 'on the go'. Otherwise the butterflies would have flown to my knees as well, I'm sure. I couldn't wait to get out of the office and into the band room when it was near 6pm. I didn't go for lunch break today, hoping that I could go off at least half an hour earlier before knock off time to practice my piece. But I only managed to reach there after 6pm. Had some time to assemble my clarinet and did a few rounds of the piece to warm up. When Law Wei stood up on the platform, I was like "Oh no, combined warm-up! How?" I was quite hesitant. Everything was so new to me. I mean, I have watched the Band do their drills quite a few times. But for me to sit there and do it with them is a different story altogether. I didn't know what to expe...

When We Miss the Target by Max Lucado Read the first verse of Matthew’s gospel. Jesus knew David’s ways. He witnessed the adultery, winced at the murders, and grieved at the dishonesty. But David’s failures didn’t change Jesus’ relation to David. The initial verse of the first chapter of the first gospel calls Christ “the son of David” (Matt. 1:1 KJV). The title contains no disclaimers, explanations, or asterisks. I’d have added a footnote: “This connection in no way offers tacit approval to David’s behavior.” No such words appear. David blew it. Jesus knew it. But He claimed David anyway. He did for David what my father did for my brother and me. Back in our elementary school days, my brother received a BB gun for Christmas. We immediately set up a firing range in the backyard and spent the afternoon shooting at an archery target. Growing bored with the ease of hitting the circle, my brother sent me to fetch a hand mirror. He placed the gun backward on his shoulder, spotted the archer...

Just got back from Choir BBQ at Aloha Loyang Pasir Ris - the name makes me wonder if it's Loyang or Pasir Ris?? Can't make up their mind? Haha...random... It was quite fun, actually. I enjoyed myself because all of them seems to be happy with each other's company. Have you ever been to a gathering where people are not initiating conversations or the cliques just keep to themselves and not move out of their groups to interact? It's really awkward. But the Choir BBQ was hardly awkward. Everybody look like they're having fun. Angila even brought her keyboard and they performed on the spot the 2 songs that they were going to do for the coming ENG Freshmen Orientation at Audi 1. Not bad :) Well, I would have stayed earlier if the shuttle bus out of that ulu pandan place ends later. The last bus was at 10:15pm...so that's why I'm home this early. It's about the same time I would be home if I join the Band for supper after their practices. I used to do that alm...

Love is patient. After going through what I've been experiencing, I'm again amazed at how patient God has been with me and His people. His love is indeed unchanging and neverending. I need to draw from the source of it daily. Love is kind. I've learnt that kindness should not come with expectation that it would be reciprocated. Not so much to protect myself from hurt but because showing kindness with such an expectation becomes self-seeking. I've also learnt that not all kindness can be appreciated, and it's ok. Press in because at least I bring pleasure to my Abba Father. That would suffice. Love does not envy. There's really nothing to be envious about when we learn to love what God commands and desire what he promises. God has a different destiny for everyone individually and we are not to covet that which is not our portion. Love does not boast. Love is not proud. Sometimes we can try so hard not to boast but it becomes so obvious that we are doing just that...

My day started at 11am today. Was totally zonked out after lack of sleep over the past 2 days. If I didn't have rehearsal in church at noon today I would have slept longer. Even the "Ohayo!" ringtone didn't quite work. *Yawn* So the Cornerstone Worship Ministry had a Family Day at National Service Resort & Country Club today. A time of fellowship and feasting on bbq food again. Band camp had bbq on Thursday night, too. Thank God we were allowed to use the 'void deck' below my office as it was pouring. Otherwise all the food the students bought would have gone to waste. Lighting was better there, actually. Choir's having a BBQ next week too. Wah...hope I won't get overdose...just recovered mah. Got to be even more careful on what I take in. Well, I've always enjoyed BBQs cos it's not just sit down and eat. But must have it with people who don't mind doing the cooking. I like the "I-serve-you, you-serve-me" we get during BBQs. S...

Mountains have indeed been moved! Haha...over the past 2 days in the office, it was as I said, more packing and dumping. My colleagues have been awfully helpful. While I was away, they actually helped made the many rounds in transferring all my barang barang from my old workstation to the new. Got back yesterday and they continued to help me to set up my PC, phone and network and tidy up all the wiring. Wow, I would have been easily overwhelmed without their help. With all that settled, all I really needed to do was to sort out what goes where. I'm glad I needed to stay back in campus for band camp. All my stuff were sorted out by six this morning. Slept about 2 hours, washed up and then it's back to tidy up the lose ends. So happy that I'm done with all that and can settle down with real work full force on Monday. So much to do with all the events coming up. God, I need Your grace! At this moment, I'm just waiting in the band room for the band concert committee meeting...

Finally, my medical leave has come to an end. On hindsight, it has been a really fruitful period. Besides the obvious reason which was my physical rest and recuperation, it was a timely break to deal with certain issues in my life because the circumstance 'forced' me to get out of many vicious cycles and allowed me to break away from a few bad habits. Yesterday, for the first time, and probably the last, I attended the Women's Bible Coffee Hour in Church at 10am. The message shared by Maureen was like God-sent - a reminder to depend on God for my daily manna and to respond to His word. The session ended with an exhortation to always fix my eyes on the Lord even at work, and not be easily discouraged by situations and people around me and by my own weaknesses. May my heart never be hardened but always tender before the Lord to respond to His instructions. After the session, I went to the new 'The Olives' cafe for lunch. I stayed there until 6.30pm before I left for s...

LAY IT DOWN From Jaci Velasquez's Album - Beauty Has Grace VERSE 1: I've been looking 'til my eyes are tired of looking Listening 'til my ears are numb from listening Praying 'til my knees are sore from kneeling on the bedroom floor I know that You know that my heart is aching I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans Are slowly slipping through my folded hands CHORUS 1: So I'm gonna lay it down I'm gonna learn to trust You now What else can I do? Everything I am depends on You And if the sun don't come back up I know Your love will be enough I'm gonna let it be I'm gonna let it go I'm gonna lay it down VERSE 2: I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging But You're pulling me out I'm finally breathing in the open air This room...

I've been cooped up at home for over 10 days, only went out once to CGH for my after-op follow-up appointment this Tuesday. So as far as my friends are concerned, my cell leader was the only person I've seen since I got home from the op. She came to meet me when I went for my follow-up and stayed with me till I collected my prescription at the pharmacy. Well, staying at home isn't all that bad. In fact, it's comfortable and I'm enjoying the serenity. It's not like I'm at home most of my work days. I'm seldom at home for the weekends even. So actually, it's been a good break, despite the initial period of agony. A break from the monotony of the whole cycle of being out. Having said all these, I must give credit to my mother for staying over and taking care of me. I feel so pampered not having to worry about meals and house-cleaning. Just pure resting and enjoying the cozyness of my own little space. Well, I better not get too used to this. So how is i...

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -- C.S. Lewis During my period of recuperation, I took the courage to revisit my "cobwebbed" multiply account and discovered a few gem entries by my network of friends. One of it was by a sister from Church about love. The topic was like a smack to my heart and so relevant to the current issues of my life at this moment. With her generous permission, I've adapted the above quote and some of her words in this entry. Thanks, Sista! I feel that God is gently and lovingly peeling off the layers...

So the polyp removed at the biopsy was tested non-malignant. And I've also confirmed that the thread that dropped off from the surgery site was the non-dissolvable part of the stitches. Y a y !!! Now, it's just dealing with the surrounding "pain" and managing my diet to minimize it. Thanks to all for praying for me! And my Jehovah Rapha - my God who healed me! Can you feel my joy? Yipee!!!

I read this quote from the trailer of a movie: No dependence, no expection. No expectation, no grief. This quote has a sad truth in it. Perhaps we were once trusting, and then we experience betrayal, and that caused grief. I guess, in a non-complex way, that's how people start striving to become independent, self-sufficient, leading to self-centredness, selfishness, pride. Proverbs 16:18-19 says, "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud. I believe that it pains God to see us get hurt and develop a heart that's distrusting, hardened towards others, towards Him, even towards ourselves. It would take a lot of courage to open up again because it makes us vulnerable. To love and to be loved, letting people in. Look at Jesus. His love is the ultimate. He gave of Himself, and He was betrayed by His disciples, the world He came to save. But, thank God, He never stoppe...

Today is a beautiful day. Even though I didn't get to go back to the office because I still can't and I'm still suffering in pain, but... I want to thank God for a few things: I know that someone who matters to me is not upset with me. Got in touch with one alumni member whom I used to work with. A beautiful individual who spent some time with me on msn today, made me laugh, feel cared for, feel that I mattered. It's a nice feeling. Finally, I had success in the movement of my b***l. You have no idea how thankful I was. All those futile efforts for the past week. My hope of recovery is up. More prayers please! :) The thread that bound my wound dropped off. For the past few days I thought it was something else stuck inside and was going to be grafted to my flesh and would require surgery to remove. I don't know if it's a good thing that it dropped off, but it relieved me of my fear. The week of break didn't pass by easy for me. It has indeed been a trying per...

Lust - sinful longing; the inward sin which leads to the falling away from God (Rom. 1:21). "Lust, the origin of sin, has its place in the heart, not of necessity, but because it is the centre of all moral forces and impulses and of spiritual activity." In Mark 4:19 "lusts" are objects of desire. Love is patient. Lust can't wait; it's impulsive. Love is kind. Lust is cruel, critical, manipulative. Love does not envy. Lust seeks more than it earns. Love does not boast. Lust builds self at another's expense. Love is not proud. Lust is easily threatened. Love is not rude. Lust is disrespectful and thoughtless. Love is not self-seeking. Lust is demanding and uncaring. Love is not easily angered. Lust is temperamental and retaliates. Love keeps no record of wrong. Lust does not forget offenses. Love does not delight in evil. Lust commits wrong to get its own way; it rationalizes Love rejoices in the truth. Lust encourages lies and covers misdeeds. Love always...

I began this week with an op at CGH, followed by days of pain and fear of pain. Well, I'm not going to compare my basket of eggs with another, cos I'm sure there are others with more in theirs. I believe that when God deals with our lives, He deals with us as individuals. He made us all different, with our strengths and weaknesses unique one from the other. Over the week, time and again I have to deal with the pain from the wound. The physical pain was terrible, and many times I broke down because I felt it was too much to deal with. Sometimes it's not the intensity of the pain, but the continuity of it. Every night I go to bed with a frown on my face, and at times, tears in my eyes. Every morning I wake up in the early hours from the pain and try hard to get back to bed to sleep it off, only to wake up again in less than a couple of hours for the same reason. A couple of mornings I have to make myself wash up to eat breakfast, though I had no appetite, so that I could take...

I don't know how much lower I can go to make good what I've messed up. I pondered over and over, but I really don't know where I could begin to do this, without appearing to try too hard or doing the unnecessary, and backfire. I'm new to this kind of friendship and it's difficult when I feel that I'm on my own all, if not most, of the time. Can I get a helping hand here? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? Would you give me the chance by telling me if it's something I said or did that upset you? You said you would. Right now, I don't have a clue. If you read this, I really didn't mean to presume my position. I don't even know WHAT is that position. I really don't know. Your reply from my last confrontation made me feel like a fool for even confronting. The conversation was not meant to end like that. I was just trying to make sense of the frustration I've been feeling. Lack of conversation topic due to age gap? I can deal with that. It...