Bandaged Soul...so I can open my heart to you again.

My colleague loved it, my manager raved about it. And knowing that it's a movie about C S Lewis (Clive Staples "Jack" Lewis, to be exact), I just had to get hold of it. So I watched the movie, Shadowlands , on DVD yesterday. The film basically tells of the true story of the man whose profound words I have found myself to be pondering deeply about these past months. Playing the character of Lewis is Anthony Hopkins, one of my favourite actors. At this point it is probably more interesting for the present generation to note that Lewis was good friends with J R R Tolkien, author of Lord Of The Rings . Watching Shadowlands evoked some things within me which I thought I had resolved. Perhaps my feelings have evolved as more truth pertaining to issues of love and affection came my way. Experiences do change our point of view, don't you agree? Well, you see, the film portrayed Lewis' love life and his grief at the death of his wife. The relationship between him and his w...

THE PRAYER Duet By Andrea Bocelli & Heather Headley I pray You'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go And help us to be wise in times when we don't know Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way Lead us to the place, guide us with Your grace To a place where we'll be safe La luce che tu hai [I pray we'll find Your light] Nel cuore resterà [And hold it in our hearts.] A ricordarci che [When stars go out each night,] Eterna stella sei Nella mia preghiera [Let this be our prayer] Quanta fede c'è [When shadows fill our day] Lead us to a place, guide us with Your grace Give us faith so we'll be safe Sogniamo un mondo senza più violenza Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza Ognuno lo dia la mano al suo vicino Simbolo di pace, di fraternità La forza che ci dà [We ask that life be kind] È il desiderio che [And watch us from above] Ognuno trovi amor [ We hope each soul will find ] Intorno e dentro sé [ Another soul to love ] Let this be our prayer [Let this be our...

It's almost 3am in the morning and I find myself unable to sleep. This has been quite a long drawn condition that is affecting me in many aspects. And sooner or later, it will affect, or perhaps it has already affected, my health. Well, I know at least my mental health is beginning to deteriorate. I think my "RAM" is at an all-time low. Please forgive me if my short-term memory fail on me... So, as usual, I parked myself onto the sofa, switched on my cable, channel hop for awhile before settling on Grey's Anatomy . The final narration by the character of Meredith caught my attention, "Sometimes, that invasion of personal space is exactly what we need." All of us, at one point or the other, have experienced relationships that caused us to build barriers around our hearts. Sometimes the damage done could be so great that bringing down the barriers would seem impossible towards the person who hurt us, or even anybody around us. The resistance to connect at a pe...

In less than 24 hours, I would have to hand the key to my sister's Kia Carens back to her. Need to pick her and the twins from T2 tomorrow night. Just as I was getting used to travelling behind the wheel. Oh well, I should be contented. Now perhaps it's time to get my own set of wheels...muahaha!!! I just hope that after this, I could transit well into taking bus (and the 44 steps up the overhead bridge) to work. Having said this, I do have my doubts about how long I could keep to this plan before I give in to flagging by the roadside again. I'm a woman of simple dreams. I'd be willing to settle for a Kangoo van. Problem is, need to do some business registration. But, if I do get one, the first thing I would do is to get a couple of large cooler boxes. They could serve as seats (may be too high actually) and store things that I need to keep at room temperature (e.g. my notebook). Then when I feel like going for a picnic, it would be a perfect ice box for cold drinks or ...

See, I don't believe in Santa (sorry kids) and there are no chimneys in Singapore anyway. Hmmm...don't think he's gonna come down through our HDB rubbish chutes. You'll need agile and fit body contortionist for that, too. Facebook. Many are falling into the trap of subscribing to all those applications and sending requests to get others to join in so that they can either gain points, tokens, etc. Poke, poke here. Poke, poke there. Here poke, there poke, everywhere poke, poke! Well, I don't know about you. But I'm finding it hard to keep up with Facebook requests and mass messages. I'm quite tired of deleting and ignoring requests. What has making friends come to? I invite you to hear what these people have to say...haha! Very clever. For the HEROS fans out there! :D HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS!

Yay! It's Christmas Eve! The past few days have been a bit crazy. And I'm so glad that my sis agreed to let me car-sit while she's out of town. Strangely, since the ComfortDelgro fee hike, I've not taken any of them last week. Somehow, those that came my way were not. Monday - flagged down a Silver Cab though I was hoping to get on the bluey to see exactly how much more I need to pay if I cab to school in the morning. Tuesday - managed to skip a couple of cabs and got hold of a TIBS. Not in the mood for discovery. Wednesday - I was in the blue mood again, but what did I get? Prime Cab - the orangey brown one that looks like a SUV. My first time on this cab, I think. You don't find many such cabs on the road. My sis came to fetch me in school on Wednesday late morning and we drove to the airport to drop her and the twins before my 'job assignment' began. Since then I've been cruising half the island in her MPV...but mainly in the east lah. So Wednesday, w...

The St Patrick's School Alumni Band In Concert at the Singapore Conference Hall was a big success. I smsed a couple of my students who performed, that I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and I meant it from the bottom of my heart 'located deep inside my body', quoting the emcee. Don't be mistaken, I am no band music critic. My appreciation is limited to the overall pitching and togetherness based on what I hear. And even for that, my words should be taken with a pinch of salt. Thus, I'm not writing to comment on their technicality, but as a novice in the appreciation of band music, how I felt as a member of the audience. All in all, it was an entertaining concert and definitely well worth the $12. My main objective, of course, was to support my students playing in the Alumni Band For quite a few instances, I totally forgot about that because they were not on stage for a substantial portion of the programme. The stage was taken over by the St Patrick's School Junior, th...

It was just an afternoon nap. So tired from the gathering last night and only managed to hit the bed after 2am. Went to Church for rehearsal at 10am. ZZzzzz...not enough sleep... Then it was home for lunch and a drive to Mui's for a trim. I think I can get used to driving. Reminds me of the times in Perth where everyday was an almost 30km drive to and from campus. While waiting for the hairdresser to come, the sofa in the guest room proved to be irresistible. So I dreamt of you. That we were what normal friends should be. In the dream you gave a hand of assurance on my shoulder, and your leaning over to seek comfort. I felt it signified a 2-way expression of friendship. But like most of my dreams, as I think about it, the details fade away. I only remembered that things seemed to go back to how it is now - till now I'm still perplexed but I'm just leaving my emotions to God and let rational thinking set in. This is just an aspect of growth I need to go through. Whatever tha...

Feeling the Christmas mood yet?

Got a call from my former secondary school classmate on Friday inviting me to her house for dinner. Some friends, but mostly family members and relatives would be there, too. She refused to tell me the occasion, just asked me to be there. So I went and it turned out to be her son's birthday...apparently she didn't want me to get any present, not even an ang bao. It was not much of a celebration, really. Just a couple of mahjong tables set up, an open dinner table, free and easy. The kids were upstairs playing computer games while the adults kept their hands busy on full white tiles. These are semi-pros playing, so, way above my league. Anyway, I had the chance to sit down with my old friend and she revealed that she and her husband will be signing the divorce papers soon. An eye-frowning moment. Though, sadly, it was really the fact that they stayed married till now that was more of a surprise to me. It pains me greatly to look at her countenance as we continued chatting. I can...

A conversation with an ex-colleague on my way to a concert yesterday led to a realisation of a few issues within the deepest part of me. No amount of justification would be able to hide it this time. I have to accept it right in my face. I guess I have been deceiving myself. Oh well, why am I not surprised? I'm a believer of the deceitfulness of one's own heart, remember? So I pulled up my courage and embraced the inevitable truth. Dear Abba, I'm sure You saw it coming. Thank You for being so gentle and patient with me. And I thought I have laid it bare to You. I guess it wasn't enough. Or perhaps I knew it was there all the while... but I just chose to ignore it - in denial? Now that I'm able to accept it, I believe it would be easier for me to deal with it and to fix anything that's not right. Indeed, confession is good for the soul. Thank God for friends with whom I can bounce off my thoughts (could be personal issues, work issues, or a mix of both - that...

WAY BACK INTO LOVE From The Movie Music & Lyrics Verse 1: I’ve been living with a shadow over head I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed I’ve been lonely for so long Trapped in the past I just can’t seem to move on I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away Just in case I ever need them again someday I’ve been setting aside time To clear a little space in the corners of my mind Chorus 1: All I want to do is find a way back into love I can’t make it through without a way back into love Ohh... Verse 2: I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs I know that it’s out there There’s got to be something for my soul somewhere I've been looking for someone to shed some light Not somebody just to get me through the night I could use some direction And I'm open to your suggestions Chorus 2: All I want to do is find a way back into love I can’t make it through without a way back into love And If I open my heart ...

Less recently, I find myself more in need of my personal space, of inactivity, of rest, of understanding myself. Maybe it's time for a sabbatical to gain fresh perspective of life. I've been working at the same place, doing the same thing for 10 years - and this is my first job since I graduated. Oh my, oh my, I can't believe that I just entertained a shooting thought of taking up a course. This is NOT good! Am I experiencing identity crisis? Okay, let's look up identity crisis: 1. a period or episode of psychological distress, often occurring in adolescence but sometimes in adulthood, when a person seeks a clearer sense of self and an acceptable role in society. 2. a psychosocial state or condition of disorientation and role confusion occurring especially in adolescents as a result of conflicting internal and external experiences, pressures, and expectations and often producing acute anxiety. 3. a psychosocial state or condition of disorientation and role confusion occ...

"Many things - such as loving, going to sleep, behaving unaffectedly - are done worst when we try hardest to do them." - C S Lewis I'm particularly intrigued by the condition of a person "behaving unaffectedly". The word "behave" implies an outward manifestation. What does it really mean to be unaffected? Perhaps it's maintaining one's composure regardless of surrounding happenings. If it's a conscious effort that we need to put in, then it would suggest a natural tendency for the opposite behaviour, wouldn't it? If it comes naturally, then is it out of apathy (uncaring, can't be bothered) or is it a calmness - a peace amidst tough times? They say that the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. Regardless of your disposition, the difference in the underlying motives is what matters. The thing is, though the difference between being unaffected and being apathetic is great but the line between the 2 can be very thin. Recently...

BELONG TO ME By Joanna Carlson She walks in and closes the door Shuts the world out of sight for another lonely night And she cries as she kneels on the floor For this empty room and this solitary life But heaven is hearing and sharing each tear And I know the Father is near He's saying You can belong to Me I'll cherish you, treasure you, love you completely Someday you'll finally see How precious you are in My eyes You've never been out of My sight I love you for all of your life You can belong to Me A little boy lies on his bed Wondering where daddy's gone And did he do something wrong And he hides all the fears in his head As he tries to be strong But he feels so alone And heaven is hearing and sharing each tear And I know the Father is near He's saying You can belong to Me I'll cherish you, treasure you, love you completely Someday you'll finally see How precious you are in My eyes You've never been out of My sight I love you for all of your life...

SMALL ENOUGH By Nichole Nordeman Oh, great God Be small enough to hear me now There were times when I was crying From the dark of Daniel's den And I have asked You once or twice If You would part the sea again But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky Just wanna know You're gonna hold me if I start to cry Oh, great God Be small enough to hear me now Oh, great God Be close enough to feel You now There have been moments When I could not face Goliath on my own And how could I forget We've marched around our share of Jerichos But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight Just wanna know that everything will be alright Oh, great God Be close enough to feel You now All praise and all the honour be To the God of ancient mysteries Whose every sign and wonder Turn the pages of our history But tonight my heart is heavy And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer Are You there? And I know You could leave writing on the wall That’s just for me Or send wisdom while ...

For many Christmases that we have celebrated, the song "We Are The Reason" seems to be the evergreen song that we would present. Of course, besides Christmas, this song is appropriate for any season because it speaks of the basic of the Christian faith, God's love for us, and of our response to His love. So if we were the reason Jesus died, are we living for Him now? "But seek FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things (ALL life's worries) shall be added to you." The Bible verse, Matthew 6:33, is a call to trust God's provision. We obey to seek what we need to seek FIRST, and He promises to take care of the rest. I've embedded a version of this song arranged and recorded by a local A Cappella group called Agapella and the song is in their Christmas album. WE ARE THE REASON By David Meece (c) 1980 Word Music / ASCAP As little children We would dream of Christmas morn Of all the gifts and toys We knew we'd find But we neve...