Bandaged Soul...so I can open my heart to you again.

I remember reading this which was hanging on my wall when I was in primary school. It stayed with me even though I didn't fully understood it then. I remember reading it over and over again because I found it to be intriguing. The meaning unfolds eventually... He who knows not And knows not that he knows not Is a fool Shun him He who knows not And knows that he knows not Is a child Teach him He who knows And knows not that he knows Is asleep Wake him He who knows And knows that he knows Is wise Follow him

I think ever since I became a Christian, I make it a point to be teachable, because it is a mark of humilty, a character prized by God and the Church, and I believe, prized by me, too. It is easy, however, to become teachable just on the outward but feels offended and becomes defensive on the inside. When that happens, it's a red alert that pride is brewing inside of us. Cos before we know it, we may find ourselves thinking, "Who is he/her to tell me what to do?" or "Hello, you're not any better! Remember that time..." Everyday, I'm personally bombarded by the need to take a step back during conversations to ensure that I'm not easily offended by words, tones, body language etc. I thank God for the constant reminder to keep my heart in check towards humility. More often than not, His grace gives me the courage and security to know that it's ok. I won't be short-changed in life just because I let some people get away with saying and doing nast...

Still unable to sleep...why? Just out from visiting my beloved bathroom. I felt worse since I got back from "wasting (3.5 hours of) my life" at McD near my house about 2 hours ago. I've been visiting so often I think at least these 3 things is forthcoming: 1. My next utilities bill would reflect an increase in this month's water usage; 2. Need to stock up more bathroom tissue (trying to sound more civilized); 3. I'm dehydrating... Possibly forthcoming: 4. Doing things I despise if this prolongs - whine and have a self-pity party. It's despicable and vanity. So use sparingly. Lame randomness - some people whine so much, I think they should start a Whinery... haha... ha... I think I'm at the brink of dehydration. Another random thought: Ponder-blogging - blogging about what's on our mind beyond writing about the event(s) of the day. Thoughts, basically. I think I can change my name to Webstress. Muahaha!... Definitely dehydrating. For he who bothers - th...

It's either food poisoning or the prescription from CGH to clear my system the day before my scope. I've been in and out of the bathroom for more than 10 times today. Early this morning, I woke up at 8am, trying to get myself ready to get out of the house. But the minute I sat up from my sleep, I kind of knew that I would not be able to fulfill what I set out to do the night before. I gave myself another half hour to monitor my condition before I determined that it was definitely not going to be possible. I felt my stomach was turned upside down after a few trips. Literally drained, I was glad I managed to sleep through pockets of time, only waking up to phone calls and "toilet breaks". By the time I could fully wake up, it was around 4 plus in the afternoon. Occasionally, like now (11.14pm), I feel like something is going to come out of me, both ways. It's horrible. I hope I'll feel better tomorrow morning, or I'll have to call in sick for work. PS: I...

Well, I did mention that I was going to write something about "discipline" in my previous entry. Ironically and sadly, I'm not one acquainted with discipline. If there's anything in my life that I saw through, I probably did most with much encouragements and persuasion from people around me, or out of fear of the consequences, or it's something I'm good at, etc. To me, discipline is a very big thing. It says a lot about the individual's capacity towards self-control, perseverance and endurance. I appreciate and respect a person of such calibre. Perhaps because I find it difficult to achieve, so I hold someone who has it with high regards. Commitment and faithfulness are also in my "top 10" thumbs-up chart. I take these 2 personally. My God is a covenant-keeping and faithful God, that's what I love about my Abba Father. Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, "But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from t...

Yep, went through the ordeal today, but the procedure was hardly trying cos I was under intravenous sedation the whole time. I think I was knocked out in less than 10 seconds. I couldn't even remember when it was during the supposedly half-hour procedure that I told them to stop because it felt unbearably painful. I remember doing that, but fortunately, I can't recall the pain... I mean, that's good...cos then I'm not traumatized. Haha... Anyway, the procedure started at 12.48pm (read the time on the blood pressure device). I woke up close to 2pm and started sms-ing updates to those supporting me in prayer. Thanks, ya'll! So the ordeal wasn't the procedure as I had expected. Ridiculously, what was more trying was that during the 3-hour wait in my ward for my turn to go in to the endoscopy room. Some guy accompanying a lady who was admitted to the ward on my right decided to sing some hokkien songs while listening to them on the earphones. Maybe he's practis...

I know that's how you communicate. Perhaps nothing I say would change anything. So, I wish... I wish my presence could sometimes make a difference to your world, or just your countenance. I wish you could be a little bit excited to see me... as a friend normally would. A smile would do. Yet, I'd rather that you be yourself than to put up a front that is not you because that would sadden me even more. Though, a little indication would be helpful. I wish my words in our conversations would brighten your day. I hope that my actions of love and affection could open up your heart and make you smile from within. It pains me if you find a need to hide your true feelings from me. Or perhaps we are not as close as I thought we are? It makes me wonder... What is your idea of a friend? Do you see a friend in me? But nevermind, I'll not give in to analyzing, if it implies a lack of basic respect to this friendship. Actually, on the contrary, I respect and accept you as you are. I reall...

Just got back from Worship Ministry prayer meeting. It was a time of worship, really. I'm so glad I went because the presence of God was there. Before the session started, we were still chatting and laughing. But once the music started, my tears just flowed. I couldn't stop. I could barely sing a complete stanza of the worship song. I didn't know why. I felt so overwhelmed with grief and desperation. I cried out to my Abba Father, because I knew that only He can help. I felt that I was pouring out my heart and soul. And I felt that my prayers were accepted and that He will faithfully come through for me. Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart— these, O God, You will not despise. Also in Isaiah 57:15 For thus says the High and Lofty One who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, with him wh...

SHELTER By Corrinne May (Album: Beautiful Seed) What's wrong, what's getting you down? Is it something I might have said? You're walking around With your head to the ground And your eyes are watery red I know you've been through tough times Kicked around, thrown to the ground But you've always been the strong one So don't tell me that nobody gets you 'Cause I'm standing in your corner Knocking at your door You don't have to be alone Just call my name Let me be an answer 'Cause it hurts me to see you this way I wanna ease your pain Help me understand Let me be your shelter, my friend We share a bond You and I we belong We're like coffee and morning trains You strip my defenses I catch your pretenses The same blood runs through our veins I swore I'd be your lifeline Made a vow that I'd surround you With love at every milestone I'll listen when nobody gets you I'm still standing in your corner Waiting by your door You don't h...

I had problems breathing today. My heart ached and my countenance was heavy. It took some effort to remove the frown from my face. I was speechless and felt defeated, rejected. Yet there was no space for confrontation, because that could mean even further rejection. I'm not sure if I could deal with deeper blows. I don't enjoy analyzing either because it makes me feel petty and calculative, but I've given in so much that I feel I'm losing myself. And sometimes that's what's needed because I need to make sense of everything. Perhaps I took it upon myself. I have learnt recently not to play the blame game even when I'm the one getting hurt and be responsible for my own action. Whining is ok for awhile, but it won't help unless I do something about it. That, I learnt recently, too. And I despise self-pity...so I won't want to go there either. The only way out of this was to rationalize and not be controlled by my emotions. Emo-ing can be quite paralyzin...

Everybody is known by somebody... it's a matter of which side of us we choose to be known. Sometimes, there are people who can see a side of us that we think we've managed to conceal. I believe in everyone, there are some areas of our lives we would prefer to stay unknown, unnoticed...for various reasons. Perhaps for fear of how we would be judged and/or be rejected for who we really are. Or perhaps it's that side of us that we would prefer to be revealed only to that special someone, or someone whom we feel is genuinely interested in our life, and accepts us despite of. On the contrary, there are some people who reveals just too much. It doesn't matter if people really care to know. They just blurt out constantly, telling people what they like/dislike. They seem to have something to say about anything and everything that their listeners would probably think that they feel the world revolves around them. They seem to know themselves so well that they even figured out wh...

*sob* Think I'm having a relapse of my " double affliction ". Can't wait to go through the scope on 23 Aug. Can't believe I'm saying this. Also, a few things have happened and have been happening to me, leading me to think that I may need to watch my lifestyle a little (well, more than a little). Just pray that I'm not at a place of no return.

Today is special...cos it's only 4.07pm and I'm already at home, taking my own sweet time to type in this blog entry. It's strange to be home so early, but I'm kinda delighted that I can laze around a little, do what I want to do... *sstrreeetccchhh*... The piano exam went ok. I reached TKGS at 1.40pm, lugging my heavy big bag and laptop. The exam room was on the 4th floor...my gosh...and they don't have a lift! Either that or I didn't see it. Anyway, I made it up there in one piece and waited about 10 mins for her to come. We managed to practise about 3 to 4 times in a room 2 doors down, then it was time. There were 2 examiners and one of them was setting up a videocam... felt a bit weird cos I've never done this before and didn't know what to expect. There were a few mistakes in her playing but I'm glad we had time to rehearse. Otherwise, I could be the one messing it up instead and I would feel terrible. I think I did well and didn't do her in...

I've been a background vocalist, choir singer, wedding singer (just last Saturday), musical cast, but for the first time, I've been asked to sing for somebody's piano exam. I was referred by a friend to this girl who is taking her piano exam and she's going to be tested on being an accompanist. We were supposed to practice tomorrow evening in preparation for her exams on 25 Aug. This morning, I received her early morning sms that she got her dates wrong...it's going to be tomorrow afternoon at 2pm! My, my...she's so risking it! I mean, what if I can't make it? Anyway, thank God I don't usually have any problem applying for urgent leave. Oh well...nevermind lah...now I'm thinking what I'm going to do tomorrow after that :) Gosh...haven't rehearsed with her eh... I haven't even met her yet. Hope I can find her tomorrow. It's going to be at TKGS. The funny thing is, I nearly forgot the song I chose cos I was contemplating these 2 songs.....

I just realised that I've been in a daze for the past weeks (or maybe months). But the effect of the cycle is kicking in hard recently, mostly when I'm on my own. I've been 'stoning' quite a bit too. Don't know why leh. I'm not exactly experiencing any problems in my life. I checked up the internet and according to research (validity uncertain) I may have just hit the onset of the age range where mid-life crisis is most common, hahaha, haha, ha...sigh... Something interesting from Wikipedia: Certain characteristics displayed by individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis often include but are not limited to: 1. search of an undefined dream or goal (ar? what dream, what goal?) 2. desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness (i don't have a problem with my age leh) 3. acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as clothing, sports cars, jewelery, gadgets, tattoos etc. (erm...not that rich, maybe gadgets, but that existed way before) 4. paying extra specia...

When was the last time you felt that you had a special day? A day that you can talk about, laugh about, tell your friends about? My colleagues and I were talking about this yesterday. We were like talking quite loudly across the office because it was like 'boh jeng hoo' (no government) day. SH on leave, DD on leave, Mgr seated within earshot range was not around. Anyway, the topic of that moment came about because we were talking about what we did the day before, which is National Day public holiday lah. Anyway, they seem quite fascinated that I had steamboat lunch with my students...like so happening lah. Something special mah...actually I also think so lah! Really what. First of all, we had steamboat...something we don't do everyday. Secondly, it was lunch. Who eats steamboat lunch? Usually it's dinner mah. Not say nobody does that, just that it's uncommon...which is what makes it special, right? Oh, ya, got a 'third thing'... I actually went marketing. I ...

This song is growing onto me. I watched the video in another blog, and wanted to know the meaning of the song because it sounds so beautiful. A short search and I stumbled onto this 'live' performance version. Maybe it appeals to me because I sing, so I thought it was quite cool. And I found the English translation of the lyrics in the comments too. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure what to make of it still. It's poetic, I suppose. Well, I did fail my E. Lit miserably back in my secondary school days, so, I won't even count on myself to try too hard with this one. Well, but maybe you can... The whiteness of the airplane clouds Against the blue of the sky Forever stretches, on and on It's as if I knew my tomorrow I was breathing shallowly with my heart I still remember the wind that cooled my burning cheeks Faced with the future, a gentle voice melts away The doubt within my arms and legs Things that make me want to yell--they are so full of memories-- The one life ...

Today I had steamboat lunch at home. What a way to celebrate National Day! Have been wanting to do this with the band comm since don't know when. Finally, it came to pass. 4 of us, myself, Kenneth, Law Wei and Jing Ting, we're eating 5 person's share of steamboat food cos Grace couldn't make it last minute. The marketing was done and we were already in the middle of preparing the food when she smsed. Too bad the rest of the band comm couldn't make it either. Wei Jie & Li Hong was performing at Esplanade Park with Mus'Art. The rest had prior engagements. So actually, it was only half-fulfilled. Nonetheless, I felt it was time well-spent. We managed to finish most of the food. After the dipping and eating, we cleared the table and played a few rounds of mahjong. Took a break to watch National Day Parade 'live' telecast, but before the fireworks came about, we all agreed to resume the game...cos the parade was too boring. I even nearly fell asleep in th...

Today the staff had a National Day Celebration at the Audi. Everything went well, even those who self-professed that they are the underdogs gave a redeeming performance, until... ...that same group of performers decided to take things into their own hands, hijacked the show, and caused it to end with their own rendition of a surprise item. With permission only from the Programme Coordinator, it was not hard to imagine that the rest of the people responsible for this group of performers were shocked to speechlessness. For one, they had no idea that their charge was going to pull a stunt like that (it was meant to be a surprise what...). The Programme Coordinator apparently didn't know better than to allow something like that to happen. The whole event was supposed to end with a bang, it was actually there, but this surprise item dipped the whole climax. As my manager put it...they have ruined the show, undermined the otherwise well-rehearsed, painstakenly put-together programme to e...

For anyone who needs a laugh...be extremely entertained :D

No one can imagine the pain I'm suffering at this moment. Can't sit, can't bend, can't walk without feeling the pain. Can't concentrate with my work because of the agony. It's been 2 weeks...I feel it every second. At times it can be excruciating. I'm not even sure how I have managed to bear with it for so long except by the sweet grace of God. Oh well, just have to see what happens after check at CGH on 23 Aug. Another day of MC...at least this time I'm going to be put to sleep, thank God. Otherwise I think I'd most probably faint from the whole ordeal, not exaggerating at all.