Bandaged Soul...so I can open my heart to you again.

Defining My Need

2012-01-19T18:07:00.003+08:00

Lately I've put myself up on a dating website with encouragement from colleagues. It has been an interesting experience, broadening my perspective of chatting up strangers and challenging my self-concept.

I've never seen myself as attractive by the common social standards and my profile on the website is an honest one. So when people say they like what they saw and start messaging me and say they want to marry me after a few exchanges, I can't help but doubt their intention and put up the romance-scam alert.

One strange phenomenon is their willingness to get into long-distance relationship. Most who state their interest are from overseas - mainly US and UK. I tell them straight on that I'm apprehensive about start developing a serious relationship with someone I've never met in person. I quote myself below from a recent reply to this German guy who signed off with Salam (I've also stated clearly that I am a Christian seeking someone of the same faith).

"Yes I do agree that modern technology can virtually narrow the distance between people. But to trust, respect and fully understand another person, virtual presence is not enough. At least for me it isn't. Different people has different preferred ways of expressing and receiving affection. I need presence.

But for a start, friendship through writing is still acceptable. But anything further would be a bit tough for me to deal with."

I quite like my response :D

How Do You Work With Someone That You Don’t Like or Trust?

2011-12-06T17:36:00.001+08:00

By Lee Cockerell

I think that the first part of my answer would be to tell you that you should just do your job... and do it well... and focus on what you can do and not what you can’t do.

There is no doubt that all of us have had to work with people... or work for people... or have people report to us... that we did not like and even sometimes did not trust.

You can stay in that situation and do the best you can, or you can try to move to another position if this bothers you too much.

You can also go down the path of trying to better understand why you don’t like the person or why you don’t trust him or her and then think about whether you would be willing to sit down and discuss this with the person. For some of you, if it is serious enough, you might want to have your Human Resources Manager get involved to try to sort out what the issue is.

Remember the old saying, “Don’t let the turkeys get you down”? YOU just do the best you can.

There is another old saying, and that one is, “Don’t show your cards.” This to me, in the area of relationships, is to keep a positive attitude and hopefully things will get better. Actually the example you set could cause other people to get better as they learn.

Try as hard as you can to have a strong relationship with this person so that he or she will trust you. Once you are sure that this person trusts you, then you may have an opportunity to reveal some of your concerns around his or her behavior and actions that cause you to not like or trust that person.

Most people would like to know the truth if they feel that it is for their own good. It is hard to deliver this kind of message, I know.

I wish I had the perfect answer for this one, but I don’t. You might put a copy of The 8th Habit by Stephen Covey on this person’s desk. This book deals a lot with the area of principles, values, and trust as does my book.

Readers of this book or those who listen to the book on tapes will have to question how well they are doing in the area of strong, trusting relationships, which at the end of the day are far more important than being smart or clever. To be trusted one has to be trustworthy, which means that he or she has to be self-aware of this concept in the first place.

People with high opinions of themselves who are seeking to be served instead of serving are often not liked or trusted. Many of these kinds of people worry all day about themselves instead of others. Being ambitious to a fault is a big problem that comes back to bite people in all areas of their lives.

Good luck on this one, and let me know if things get better and what happened to make them better! I’d like to know. ... Lee

Great Leaders Look for the Better Way Every Day!!!

Loneliness: Toothache of the Soul

2011-12-03T20:27:00.002+08:00

Discover the Cure for Loneliness

Are you a single Christian struggling with loneliness? Discover the cure for loneliness by examining these biblical principles with Jack Zavada.

Loneliness: Toothache of the Soul

Loneliness is one of life's most miserable experiences. Everyone feels lonely at times, but is there a message for us in loneliness? Is there a way we can turn it into something positive?

Sometimes loneliness is a temporary condition that departs in a few hours or a couple days. But when you're burdened with this emotion for weeks, months, or even years, it's definitely telling you something.

In a sense, loneliness is like a toothache: It's a warning signal that something is wrong. And like a toothache, if left unattended, it usually gets worse. Your first response to loneliness may be to self-medicate - to try home remedies to make it go away.

Busyness is a common treatment.
You may think that if you fill your life with so many activities that you don't have time to think about your loneliness, you'll be cured. But busyness misses the message. It's like trying to heal a toothache by taking your mind off it. Busyness is only a distraction, not a cure.

Buying is another favorite therapy.
Maybe if you purchase something new, if you "reward" yourself, you'll feel better. And surprisingly, you do feel better - but only for a short while. Buying things to fix your loneliness is like an anesthetic. Sooner or later the numbing effect wears off. Then the pain comes back as strong as ever. Buying can also compound your problems with a mountain of credit card debt.

Bed is a third response to loneliness.
You may believe that intimacy is what you need, so you make an unwise choice with sex. Like the prodigal son, after you come to your senses, you're horrified to discover that this attempt at a cure not only makes loneliness worse, it also makes you feel desperate and cheap. This is the false cure of our modern culture, which promotes sex as a game, as recreation. This response to loneliness always ends in feelings of alienation and regret.

The real message, the real cure.
If all of these approaches don't work, what does? Is there a cure for loneliness? Is there some secret elixir that will fix this toothache of the soul?

We need to begin with a correct interpretation of this warning signal. Loneliness is God's way of telling you that you have a relationship problem. While that may seem obvious, there's more to it than just surrounding yourself with people. Doing that is the same as busyness, but using crowds instead of activities.

God's answer to loneliness is not the quantity of your relationships, but the quality.
Going back to the Old Testament, we discover that the first four of the Ten Commandments are about our relationship with God. The last six commandments are about our relationships with other people.

How is your relationship with God? Is it close and intimate, like that of a loving, caring father and his child? Or is your relationship with God cold and distant, only superficial?

As you reconnect with God and your prayers become more conversational and less formal, you'll actually feel God's presence. His reassurance is not just your imagination. We worship a God who lives among his people through the Holy Spirit. Loneliness is God's way, first, of drawing us closer to him, then forcing us to reach out to other people.

For many of us, improving our relationships with others and letting them get close to us is a distasteful cure, as dreaded as taking your toothache to a dentist. But satisfying, meaningful relationships take time and work. We're afraid to open up. We're afraid to let another person open up to us.

Past hurts have made us distrustful.
Friendship requires giving, but it also requires taking, and many of us would rather be independent. Yet the persistence of your loneliness should tell you that your past stubbornness hasn't worked either.

If you muster the courage to restore your relationship with God, then with others, you'll find your loneliness lifting. This is not a spiritual Band-Aid, but a real cure that works.

Your risks toward others will be rewarded. You'll find someone who understands and cares, and you'll find others whom you understand and care about as well. Like a visit to the dentist, this cure turns out to be not only final, but much less painful than you feared.

飛飛雲吞面

2011-11-13T21:53:00.005+08:00

In my life, I can only think of 4 stalls of wanton noodle that would make me go back for more, in chronological order:
1. The one near my old house at Jalan Kukoh market;
2. 飛飛雲吞面 at Joo Chiat Place;
3. Ah Seng's at the lower level Dunman Food Centre;
4. The one at Level 1 of Cornerstone Community Church building (Odeon Katong).

飛飛雲吞面 was really just history if it had not been for Kenneth who (re)introduced me to that place on 6 Oct 11 for supper. I couldn't confirm if it was the same place at first and I didn't know it comes by that name when I first went there during KPC (Katong Presbyterian Church) days. It was the taste of the 雲吞 and the chilli that really hit it home. It is so true that taste and smell have memories.

So I've been going there for late dinner, supper, with Kenneth, other friends and sometimes by myself almost everyday since then. I still haven't gotten sick of it yet! The people at the shop were mostly friendly, too. I went there so that I even made a new friend! How about that? We hit it off quite well and even went out today. It was just a drive down to Marina Square, walked over to Esplanade and strolled along the river. We didn't really care where we were walking or that it was drizzling. Just walked and talked, getting to know each other better. It's was a strange experience, the whole making friend process. A first but hopefully not the last.

For more friends to come...

Abba Father's Favour

2011-11-08T09:47:00.002+08:00

Abba Father, I commit our Cambodia trip into your hand. Please guide us in the right direction. And if we have Your grace to go for our scheduled Community Service trip to Cambodia as a family, I pray that You clear the path and still the storm. Allow us to bring love and joy to those who in need. Although not all of us are believers, for those who are, may we be stirred up to go in Your name and give You all the glory. It is You who makes all things possible. Without You, all our good deeds would be in vain. Nevertheless, I know You can use whatever we can give, regardless of our motivation. We are not doing much, but if it is in Your favour that we be a part of meeting the needs of the people You love and how You are answering to their cries, I pray Your amazing grace travels with us and be among us. That Your name may be glorified, that Your promise that our households be saved because of any one of us in the family.

Replace the floods of water with floods of Your love, through us, O God.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear all,

FLOODING IN CAMBODIA

This informs the Institutes of Higher Learning (IHLs) of the flooding situation in Cambodia, and recommends that IHLs continue to monitor the flooding situation in Cambodia, Thailand and surrounding countries.

Current Flooding Situation

2. Since August 2011, more than 240 people have been killed and about 100,000 displaced in flood-related incidents across Cambodia. 17 out of 23 provinces continue to be flooded today. Although the floodwaters in Siem Reap have begun to recede, floodwaters in several other provinces surrounding the Tonle Sap River including Battambang and Pursat continue to rise steadily. Water levels in the Mekong River (which flows by Phnom Penh) are also expected to remain at critical levels in the upcoming weeks even though they show signs of decreasing. Local authorities remain on high alert and the water levels in the Tonle Sap and Bassac rivers are being closely monitored.

Disease Outbreaks

3. Unconfirmed outbreaks of diarrhoea and possibly of cholera have been reported on 2 November 2011 in Battambang Province.

Other Disruptions

4. Roads are occasionally rendered inaccessible by floodwaters, potentially entailing significant delays to land travel. Routes from Siem Reap to Siem Reap-Angkor International Airport (REP) remain vulnerable to possible flooding during heavy rain. This is exacerbated in urban areas due to inadequate drainage.

5. Air travel may be disrupted on short notice due to torrential rain. Railway lines may also be blocked by floodwaters and debris.

6. Severe weather conditions may cause disruptions to essential services such as power supply and telecommunications, though business-class hotels in major urban centres are likely to be equipped with back-up generators.

Monitoring the Situation

7. We recommend IHLs to monitor the flooding situation in both Thailand (particularly Bangkok) and Cambodia and activate the necessary support systems if you have staff and/or students in these countries. MFA has advised Singaporeans to defer non-essential travel to Bangkok and those already in Bangkok to consider departing Bangkok early. Singaporeans intending to visit riparian regions in Cambodia, Lao PDR, Myanmar and Vietnam should monitor their local conditions before travelling. You may check out MFA’s releases for the latest updates at www.mfa.gov.sg (particularly the travel notice for the Mekong Delta region issued on 4 November 2011 and the update on the flood situation in Bangkok issued on 5 November 2011).

8 Submitted for your information, please. Thank you.

Home Away From Home

2011-10-31T22:51:00.002+08:00

It was our first session at AG Home tonight. 6 female volunteers and about 20 something teenage girls supervised by their AD, in one old classroom, coming together in a manner which would never have been possible if not for the love and grace of God. This is a new initiative by CCSC which would only occupy the fifth Monday of the month - as and when there's one. So the next session to be conducted by this team is in Jan 2012.

Led worship today, accompanied on the guitar by Christine. 赞美主, Let Evereything That Has Breath, and Still. Went through the songs very briefly - the girls sang especially loudly for the 3rd song. The session was a bit draggy, I thought. The girls were a little restless but I guess most of them were tired. Not many were believers but they were generally cooperative.

It was a rather enjoyable experience. What would it take for them to worship God for real?

Back To Back

2011-10-30T23:21:00.002+08:00

Today has been a really eventful day.

Woke up early morning at 6.15am for rehearsal in Church at 7am. After Praise and Worship session, I ducked out of service to meet up with the team going to minister at Andrew and Grace Home chapel tomorrow. Straight after, I drove to Siew Chin's at Choa Chu Kang for 1pm lunch. Her mom cooked yam abacus, yummmmm... Hung around watching some Taiwanese variety show on her very comfortable couch. Lost track of time if not for Siew Fong's reminder that it was already 4.15pm. I left almost immediately to RP but not before given a pack of yam abacus and an iPod radio player - Siew Chin had an extra unit originally a bought for Siew Fong but she didn't want it.

Anyway, Guna had asked me to sing for an event. It was only on arrival at RP's Agora Hall LT 5 that I realized it was the World Tamil Writers Conference. The performance was ok. Fortunately it was an informal performance setting and that allowed me to refer to lyrics. Performed "Singapore Town" and "Gelang Sipaku Gelang" with Richard Wee on the keyboard and Guna's electronic rhythm on his iPad. By the time we were done, it was already 9pm when I drove out from RP's multi-storey car park.

Perhaps this could be my first of many such performances. *Pray hard*

Had to top up my petrol but before I did that, I took a little detour and had dinner by myself at 飞飞云吞面.

Now I'm at McD blogging and slurping a large coke light. *Slurp Slurp*

True Perception

2011-10-14T17:51:00.008+08:00

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things on earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

It feels lousy to base my perception on people's facial expression. First of all, you don't know whether it is in sync with what they are really thinking. But because of past encounters and what self-perception, things seem bleak.

It's probably stupid to let myself indulge in self-pity. Isn't it naive to expect bosses to be genuinely loving and merciful.

I hate self-pity. I need the discipline to get out of it and not let it paralyse me.

Lately I find myself sighing a lot. I think I'm feeling a little demotivated and I hate the fact that I actually let it out instead of keeping it in when I'm in front of others. I'm a bad testimony against the hope I'm supposed to have in Christ.

Tsk, I did it again! :(

Where has all my love gone to? Don't you remember, Cynthia, to love only those who love you has no benefits?

Matthew 5:43-48
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

So who is my enemy? I need to love them...
Who has cursed me? I need to bless them...
Who hates me? - I need to do good to them...
Who has spitefully used me and persecute me? I need to pray for them...

I hope I will never be God's enemy (carnal mind that befriends the world)
I hope I will never curse God or His people (my lips will ever bless Him and keep from swearing profanity and wish the best for others always)
I hope I will never hate God or His people (love Him wholehearted and love unconditionally)
I hope I will never spitefully use and persecute God or His people (love and honour Him and others)

I guess I'm really far from God's perfection!

A mystery to think about (if I remember later)... We ignore those who love us and love those who ignore us. I think humans are despicable beings who tend to take things for granted. Hence, the value of and demand for something decrease when the supply is high.

In conclusion, don't look to people because they won't treasure you when you are not important to them.

Productivity

2011-10-06T13:17:00.002+08:00

I get it, you want me to improve. Sometimes, perhaps the imperfection in people - both the sender and the receiver - causes the message not to sit well.

Perhaps I just can't get the hint. Or the hardness of it is a result of my naive perception of how such message should be sent - out of love.

But I forgot that this is an imperfect world. They don't operate out of love. At least the one who appraises you is not obliged to provide that conducive environment to tell you you're not doing a good enough job and you need to improve.

011011 - Dedicated To 大姐

2011-10-01T23:48:00.004+08:00

The date today is like a waltz.

It was a good day, albeit a slip down the same lane. Bugger...

Anyway, besides the fact that it's Children's Day, it's also 大姐's birthday. All of us, except David's family, went to her house to celebrate her forty-... better don't say :S Haha, anyway, as usual, it's just eat and eat, laze around, chit chat. It's a relaxing and enjoyable family affairs, as always.

大姐 has always been perceived as the stabilizer in the family. She took care of almost everything about mom during her few episodes of surgery and cancer treatments, her claims, etc. Important decisions would get through her to ensure we made the right moves. Something trivia, but I vividly remember her correcting me when she was tutoring my Accounting subject, that I should ask in English, not Teochew. On a more serious note, I know that if I have some life's decision to make, I can turn to her and trust her wisdom on the matter.

大姐 - Blessed Birthday and stay young at heart!

Cloudy Eyes

2011-07-13T21:44:00.002+08:00

If only I knew that those cloudy eyes of yours means that you would be leaving soon, I would have stayed with you longer that night. I wouldn't have left your bedside. I would have just sat there and watch you while you sleep. Stroke your hands a little, just lightly so that I wouldn't startle you from your rest. I wouldn't have cared for anything else but to just keep you by my side. I wish I could have more exchanges of words with you, to hear your voice. I'm just beginning to realise now that I miss you. It's starting to kick in.

If it was just about me, I would be whining that I'm a pitiable person because I don't think I would find anyone on this earth who would love me the way that you do. I know it is not about me. Yet I can't help feeling pitiable. What if it's true? What if it is never to be my portion? Would I really be able to take it?

Lately I feel that everything is going downhill. I couldn't pick myself to do anything with purpose. Everything around me just seem so meaningless, all vanity and chasing after the wind, as the wise Solomon would put it in the book of Ecclesiastes. I know you wouldn't have wanted to see me like this. But it's just so hard to pull myself out of this rut. I know I can't do it on my own. I need God's strength. I cried out and waiting for His salvation.

Show me the way. Let me not be blinded with the obsession of those cloudy eyes that I missed to decipher. The regrets and the pain that comes intertwine with them. Set me free of the hopelessness that threatens to make itself comfortable in me. My soul is overflowing with sorrow. Turn it into a spring of true joy and love. Only You can do it, my heavenly Father. I falling to pieces and I can't put myself back. If You don't intervene soon, I would just be sitting there, watching the pieces dropping off.

Help, Father. The pain is really quite unbearable...

To My Superhero

2011-07-06T21:55:00.003+08:00

It's been a month since Mom went to be with the Lord. 30 days to be exact.

I miss her a lot and it's hitting me slowly. I think it's because Mom only came back home during the weekends and during the 3-4 months when she became quite weak, she hadn't come back at all.

I decided to take a day off today and pay a visit to her niche at All Saints Memorial Hall. Picked Jenny up at Eunos MRT Station after her work and went together. The PA system in the hall was playing "Amazing Grace" when we reached - one of Mom's favourite songs. We arranged her flowers (only fake ones allowed), spoke little and had our own silent moments even though we were together. Then I whipped out my iPad and iPod and we went through the family photos I store inside. Some were really funny and we laughed together. We stayed for about an hour... time went by quite quickly.

I realised that I spend more time with my sisters now. David is busy with the stall so I guess it's not as easy for him to join in any outings. Mom is always on our lips whenever we meet. We'll talk about what she would do in certain situations, what she used to do, her last moments. Right after the funeral, we immediately started looking at everyone's birthdays - one of the ways we could meet up as a family.

I miss you, Mommy. I miss holding this pair of hands and placing them on my face, and kissing them. Thank you for holding my hands for all my 39 years. Thank you for all those late nights where you stayed up to make/mend my school uniforms, performance costumes. You were such an incredibly creative and hardworking person. Not having gone to school was never an excuse you would use but instead, you did such a good job at making things happen for me. I could do so much because you have been supporting me all these while.

Thank you, Mommy. I love you... You know you are (still) the wind beneath my wings, and you are still my superhero!

My Personality Profile

2011-02-27T09:25:00.003+08:00

My Personality Profile
from be2:

rationality vs. emotionality
Rational people mainly draw on facts for decisions and are particularly quiet, able to analyze and argue logically. Emotional people are more likely to incorporate emotions into their decisions - the solution has to be a "good fit". Sensitivity, empathy and an ability to sense moods mark out their personality.

Your personal profile: balanced, with a tendency towards emotionality

You often make decisions instinctively. Feelings play a greater part in your decision making than rational deliberations.

tradition vs. innovation
People with a strong inclination towards innovation are open to change and welcome it. People who tend towards tradition desire stability and are wary of change.

Your personal profile: moderate, tending towards high, inclination to innovate

You strive for change and excitement more than most people. Nevertheless, you do occasionally value the comfort that routine brings.

distance vs. attachment
Attachment describes the extent emotions are evoked by exterior stimuli in a person. People with a high need for attachment react more sensitively to stimuli than distanced people.

Your personal profile: high tendency towards attachment

You are a person who tends towards attachment in every respect. When you feel good you are enthusiastic and infectious in your fervour; when you feel bad, it can't be concealed. You often react strongly to emotional situations, in the positive and negative sense.

observation vs. feeling
People with a strong inclination towards cognitive perception take in the facts and details of the surrounding world, the way reality presents them. A feeling person prefers to deal with correlations, ideas and associations, which are intuitive rather than obvious.

Your personal profile: balanced, with a tendency towards feeling

You like drawing conjectures and looking for hidden crossover effects between information and facts. To restrict yourself only to hard facts is too boring for you.

structure vs. integration
People who tend toward structure like their surroundings to be organized and predictable: this puts them in control. Their behavior is dominated by the left, logically structuring, side of the brain. Integrating personalities like to be open to experiences and encounter new opportunities. Their behavior is dominated by the right, interlinking, side of the brain.

Your personal profile: balanced, with a tendency towards integration

Multiple possibilities motivate you. You enjoy an open perspective. Too much rigidity constricts you.

Lost And Found

2011-02-24T23:23:00.006+08:00

I lost a friend to depression on 8 Feb this year. It was a grievous realisation that she's gone. I'm not sure if I've fully come to terms with it and how much I would miss her when it finally sinks in one day.

God is still good. He caused me to bump into Jessie Yip. My singing kaki during my early years in Cornerstone Community Church. It was formerly known as Bedok Christian Centre. She has a strong and lovely voice and I've always enjoyed singing with her. Of all places in Singapore, we met in a lift at SGH Block 4. We were both visiting our mother. Her's on level 6 and mine on level 8. We could have so easily missed each other. But we didn't...

I've been trying to look for her for quite a while. I think of her often, and especially this year, I don't know why. I tried to trace back to those who know her but the link was cut. I was so very sad. But all in good time, we met up today. Found out that she stays very near me. I'm going to meet up with her this Sunday after worship rehearsal! So much to talk about!

Love Never Fails

2011-02-24T09:08:00.002+08:00

LOVE NEVER FAILS
by Jentezen Franklin

God wants you to experience a love like no other. When you love others, I believe you will receive perfect love in your own life.

To help you experience this amazing love, I want to give you some practical Biblical steps you can take to find the love of your life.

Hear and speak truth in love.
According to Ephesians 4:15, we all need to hear and speak the truth in love. When you are heading down the wrong path, God will send His messengers to help turn you around. Be sensitive to the guidance of the Holy Spirit and spiritual leaders, and gain knowledge from God's Word. Rejoice in correction because it means God cares about you.

Choose love.
Scripture commands us to "set your affections" (Colossians 3:2). We are not slaves to instinct. Make the choice to love your spouse and uphold your marriage vows. Make the choice to love your children and pray for them. Make the choice to love God by spending time with Him in prayer, in the Word and through regular times of fasting. True love doesn't give up.

Accept God's love.
Jesus Christ gave Himself as a sacrificial lamb and shed His blood for your sins. It is a love no one deserves, but a love that can change your life and eternity ... if you accept it. When you find yourself in a downward spiral, the Spirit of God can lift you up (Psalm 23:3). Whether you have experienced a death in your family, a layoff from work, a bad health report, a divorce or some other trial, God has given you the power to "bounce back." Let God's love restore you!

Put love into action.
How do we show Christ our own love for Him? In John 21:17, "Jesus said to him, 'Feed My Sheep'." One of our greatest commands as believers is to love the weak and hurting — God's sheep. When you put love into action in Christ's name, you are showing Jesus your love for Him with miraculous results.

I encourage you to choose love no matter what the circumstance ... it will change your life!

Love Relapse Desperately Needed

2011-01-22T22:27:00.003+08:00

It is so true that to develop one of the fruit of the Spirit, you need to insist on exercising those qualities in circumstances that you would most likely do the opposite.

I feel that I have failed greatly today. I really let go of all restraints and almost "chopped off" all nine elements of the fruit prematurely. I got so upset and reacted as if God did not exist. Like the Holy Spirit didn't live in me. Isn't that scary? I'm disappointed with myself.

1. Delayed Completion
I screamed at my sub-standard renovation designer cum coordinator because he kept extending the completion date and wasted so much of my time. Then he still use emotional blackmail on me, saying how he actually didn't need to do this and that for me, because it was not in the contract. I hated it that he made me feel I have no choice but to comply. I hated it that he disregard my instruction to cover my sofa and it became sooooooo dirty. I hated it when he tried to make me believe that he could do something and then end up something would always crop up to cause further delay...and say "it's like that one". I hated it that I had to call up his boss to complain about him. I don't like to tell on others.

2. Late Delivery
I screamed at the saleswoman at Harvey Norman because their delivery person failed to deliver my TV on time for the installation crew and they left after waiting for 30 minutes. I nearly had to take half day leave to wait for them to come on Tuesday if they hadn't make a detour from their itinerary and came back to finish up my installation.

I hated it that she said, "if only you had called in earlier to check on the delivery, I would be able to do something about it." That's when I screamed at her for trying to put the blame on me for failing to ensure timely delivery. She apparently didn't realised the implication of that statement she made because she insisted that she wasn't trying to shirk her responsibility. It's not like the installation crew came earlier. The delivery time was between 10am and 3pm, mind you, and they still couldn't make it on time. No calls on the delay either. Just taking for granted that customers have a lot of time to stay home the whole day on a Saturday just to wait for one item to be delivered.

Basically, I felt that if I didn't raise my voice, or insisted on my rights as a customer, people will step over you. I hate to have to feel this way.

And since I'm on this renovation frustration episode, I also declare that I hated it that those around me ask questions like, "why you this, chose that, didn't ask the contractor to do this and that..." after I have already done it. If you're so clever, why don't you be my contractor or tell me earlier? Indeed, how can the blind person take the lead? If the contractor had done his job to helped me with my blind spots, which I obviously need since this is the first time I'm renovating and I'm not the expert taking the money, much frustration could be saved.

Jesus, what would you have done? It is so difficult to love. I'm not even talking about loving my enemies which You have commanded. Love your neighbour as yourself. There must be a reason why this commandment didn't come with "unless you feel they are taking you for a ride..." or something to that effect.

God heard my cry nonetheless. Yes, I literally cried. I was so frustrated with those people and also myself for having to eventually stoop as low as them to get things done. It was right then that the installation guy called to say that he would be able to turn back to finish up my job and my tile guy also called to say that he would be able to come and touch up my kitchen tiles. If I had left it to that sub-standard designer-cum-coordinator, it would only be done on Monday. And the guy installation person would only be able to come on Friday. I'm waiting for updates that the gas business would be completed on Tuesday instead.

I'm glad this whole renovation business is coming to an end. I tried to be harmless as a dove, but I think I forgot to be wise like a serpent. Instead I became upset and doubtful of their effort to do a good job. I need wisdom to know what is considered as reasonable expectations. Where to draw the line?

One thing I got out of this: God, don't let me treat others like the way I've experienced from these people. I don't want to cause this kind of hurt to others. And I hate to use emotional blackmail.

Dinner at Little Vietnam

2010-12-23T20:33:00.001+08:00

Found this place at the back alley somewhere around Lorong 44 Geylang after viewing stuff for the house.

2010-11-09T04:18:00.001+08:00

"Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of its trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse for impossibility, for it thinks all things are lawful for itself and all things are possible." - Thomas Kemp

A Day Without Matty

2010-11-08T20:14:00.003+08:00

Today I relived the days when I used to take public transport everyday. For a long period before I had Matty, I cab to work everyday. The usual frustration was the lack of vacant cab when you need it and then there's the tiniest thrill when you do the minute you stepped out by the roadside. Sometimes when it seemed impossible to find an empty cab, I would brace myself to walk out for an attempt to take a bus. The uncertainty of getting any buses that are not already loaded to the max with staff and students of TP seemed like a better option than standing and witnessing cabs being hijacked by passengers in front of you for the past 15 mins.

So how did I end up in this position again? Matty broke down in the middle of the road on Saturday night after Service. I called for the tow truck to take it to the workshop at Eunos. The boss was kind and near enough to swing by and open his shop to receive Matty, and it's kept there since. The mechanic called at around 9.30am to say that it would cost $800 - $1200 for the servicing and repair. I was kinda prepared for that. It's a big, unavoidable sum, I guess.

Yesterday I cab to Raffles City for Service. Just when I was telling Bob at Saturday Service how I wouldn't mind serving every week when service is at Fairmont because I would get complimentary parking coupons and then right after...God, are you telling me something? Anyway, after lunch and some window shopping at the basement, I proceeded to Marina Square through City Link. It was like God's provision because I was just smsing Kenneth what would be the best way to get home via public transport when I bumped into Leng and family.

So I tagged along the company from that point, window-shopped some more, had a tea break at McD, and decided to head to Marina Barrage for some photo-taking. Well, we gave up just before we reached because the whole place was jam packed and cars were parked from a distance even before we got to the carpark. After some deliberations, we decided to go for dinner at Old Airport Road. The queue was unending at David's Pasta Manna. We asked him to cook for us when there's time but then changed our mind. After a some what satisfying dinner, Jiahui decided to queue for pasta. She probably queued for about 20 mins and finally got what she wanted. David gave her double portion on a plate so we could share at the table. FOC! :D

When we were done, I went my way to get a cab when I realised that it was raining (quietly). The cab waiting there is tough on normal days. Weekend and rain would be close to impossible. So I shamelessly called Leng to ask for a lift home, which I got and that solved my transport issue for the day. You cannot imagine how thankful I was. They really accommodated me because 4 of them had to squeeze into the couch at the back of the van.

Again, thank God the weather was really cooling on the way to work this morning. I even managed to get a seat on bus 65 and the shuttle bus though the latter felt a bit awkward having to sit next to a stranger at such close proximity. Coming home was a straight bus number 8. It was a standing and balancing act for about 15 minutes.

With the transit of buses to avoid having to climb up the 44-step overhead bridge, it took me 50 minutes from the time I left my house till I step foot into the office. With Matty it's 15 minutes and frustration-free with less uncontrollable circumstances. And it's one thing on a cool morning after the rain. It would be of a totally different dimension of circumstance under the scorching sun or the rain.

I miss Matty...

Sent From My iPhone

Some People

2010-10-16T22:23:00.003+08:00

Lately I've been quite easily irritated by a particular person and I'm not very happy with the way I have been dealing with it. It's so frustrating because I know it is not a very Christlike thing to do. It has come to a point where I felt it would cause less damage if I just simply ignore that person. A term used nowadays for such people is a condition of verbal diarrhea. I say it is a condition of verbal incontinence. Lack of restrain.

God help me!!!

Perfect Ten

2010-10-10T23:55:00.005+08:00

It was an eventful day today.

Sang for Choir in the morning. Tried the Pinoy food near Church for lunch with cell group after 2nd Service.

2.30pm attended a Songwriters' Workshop by Simeon (with Pete), Deb Fung and local artiste, Nat Tan.

So happy to see the Aussie friends again. Learnt quite a bit that I hope to apply them faithfully. Desperately need Holy Spirit inspiration.

7pm back to Church to help clear up stage stuff for tomorrow's renovation.

After that sent Pst Rupert home then ate late dinner at Old Airport Road Hawkers' Centre. Bro's stall already closed so I ate fishball noodle at a random stall instead. On the way to the car bumped into David. Heng I saw him cos when my car battery went flat I knew I could call him and he helped me to contact tow truck.

Followed truck that towed Matrix to get my battery replaced at Lavendar Street. Had to ask Raymond to transfer money to me cos in case not enough in my account and the place only accept NETS or cash. So drama.

Thank God all's well now and here I am seated in McD near home. Just wanted to post this out in time for the beautiful date today. Plus I needed to use the loo. Haha, so random, right?

07080910

2010-09-14T12:57:00.003+08:00

Yes, this is another pretty number obsession but not for no reason.

It was Chalet 7 at Fairy Point (near Changi Beach Club), on 8 Sep 10 - the 3rd day of our family chalet. We booked a bungalow for a 4-day, 3-night family get together. Anyway, it was planned for mom when we found out about her cancer. So this trip was to gather everyone before she gets too sick from her treatment. Thank God, so far she's responding well to chemo, though she is currently going through massive hair loss.

Anyway, I'm highlighting this particular day because we had a ball of a time sliding down this grassy slope at the back of the huge 5-bedroom bungalow. I didn't get to slide because of my foot condition but I had such a good time just being the video women, using my mobile phone. Some were done by Mui from another angle.

We had one round before it started raining to our favour. After that the slope was wetter and more conducive for a second round of fun. I love all the sniplets so much I decided to piece them together into a 4-min video with an added Abba soundtrack, "Take A Chance On Me".

So, here it is...

No Regrets When God Steps In

2010-09-05T22:56:00.003+08:00

Bob and Kathy Fitts with this morning's worship team

Jason Tay, Kathy Fitts, Bob Fitts and me

Singing on the same stage with Bob Fitts in Church this morning was not just about a dream coming true. It was not about meeting my 'hero' or 'idol', though it was indeed an honour and privilege to lead our congregation with him.

But really, it was more of a gratefulness of God's amazing love for me because He remembered. He didn't forget that dream which was laid down at his feet many years ago, when I had felt forgotten then, 'stranded' down under in Perth, away from the people and ministry I love. I felt then that whatever opportunity on any big stage was taken from me and I had to do something I hate instead - studying (haha, sorry mom).

The God whom I have personally experienced to be a faithful Comforter helped me through that period of tough time by gently reminding me of the right perspective and attitude towards serving in the worship ministry where He has planted me in. My Abba Father gave me strength to accept His discipline and my heart was put at the right place. You can say that He helped me pass the test. It was a precious lesson learnt. Treasures in my darkness.

So the could have's and should have's and the what might have been's were placed at the altar and burnt as a sacrifice of joy in exchange for grief and hopelessness. I believe He kept the bottle of tears collected at His feet during that trying period.

As I pen down these thoughts, my heart is again overwhelmed by a renewed confidence that God accepted that sacrifice. Truly, He meant it to the letter that He does not despise those who come before Him with a broken spirit and a contrite heart.

Today I celebrate that I am entrusted with this opportunity to sing with this legendary Worship Leader without losing my focus on the one I was created to worship. A state of my heart that probably wouldn't have stood firm if the same opportunity was not take away from me 15 years ago.

Jesus is the reason that I sing, the reason that I would ever want to stand on any stage, big or small.

Thanks, Abba. You made me feel so much of Your love today. May I be more aware of Your unfailing love every moment of every day till The Day, where I will behold the full glory of Your goodness.

Bob-Fitting Dream

2010-09-04T19:56:00.003+08:00

Since long long time ago in (not) Bethlehem, I had this dream that I would one day stand on the same stage as Bob Fitts as a background vocalist. As I'm writing this now, and listening to the old, old Hosanna! Music Praise Worship album - Proclaim His Power with Bob Fitts, those songs make my heart leap. I'm getting excited all over again that this dream has come true.

In my early days as a Worship Vocalist (formerly called Back-up Singer) in the Worship Ministry, the Church I have been serving in used to take, quite extensively, songs from Hosanna! Music. So I was inevitably exposed to those albums, following and buying almost all the releases volume after volume (cassette format hor). In fact, my vocals and harmony techniques developed the most with the help of those praise and worship albums.

In those days, where vocals sounds clearer than the instrumentals, and songs are composed to the vocal range comfortable to both genders, it is easy to catch the lyrics without having to refer to the cover. Nowadays, in most cases, the opposite is true.

Anyway, one of the prominent Worship Leaders then was Bob Fitts. I liked his songs a lot, especially the ones from the abovementioned album. Listening to those songs again brings joy bubbling up from within. I still like them. Not because it was a good trip down memory lane, but I really like the words, melody and harmony of the songs and the feel of the music. I think we used every single songs in that album. On the side, I also like Kelly Willard's vocals. Her voice blends well, yet when you hear it, you know it's hers.

So...my Worship Vocalist team is singing with Bob Fitts for both services tomorrow! Woohoo! I'm flipping somersaults! We had a taste of it at this afternoon's rehearsal. He still look as good despite some grey hair. Gentle, soft spoken. No airs. I tried to contain my joy and excitement. Shouldn't have told Jason, cos after that say out loud in front of Bob Fitts, "It's Cynthia's dream come true". So embarrassing lah! I nearly fell down the stage.

Having said all, I'm humbled by God's love and faithfulness, that he remembers my 15-year-old dream when I laid it down at His feet.

Sacrifice
by Bob Fitts

Verse 1:
Oh, this must be the hardest hill I've ever climbed
For I must sacrifice you, promised son of mine
And so I go to worship with you by my side
And trust a sacrifice He will provide

Chorus 1:
And though I cherish you, I must now offer you
To Him who is the Giver of all good things
And though I cherish you, I will now offer you
For surely He could raise you up again
(second time) For surely He will raise you up again

Verse 2:,
Here on this alter, Father I lay all my dreams
And offer back to You this child You've given me
Oh, son you must believe He's called us to obey
And by His love He'll make a better way

(Chorus 1)

Bridge:
O Abraham, O Abraham
Now that I know you fear My name
Withhold your hand
O Abraham, O faithful man
Your only son, he's not the one
Behold the ram, Behold the Lamb

Verse 3:
It must have been the hardest thing He's ever done
When God the Father sacrificed his only son
The one that He most cherished gave His life away
And by His love He made a better way

Chorus 2
And so I cherish you, and so I honor you
For truly You're the Giver of all good things
And so I cherish you, and so I honor you
Your sacrifice is now the King of kings

Chorus 3:
Jehova Jireh, He has provided
The sacrifice of love no man could ever pay
And what He requires of you and me
Even the hardest thing
Your blood, O Christ
Your sacrifice gives me strength to obey

Walking On Air...And Sonshine

2010-08-20T00:58:00.003+08:00

Three more weeks on my aircast - the foot gear that's been allowing me to walk with my current fracture. Quite an amazing invention. Nevertheless, if the X-Ray shows insufficient recovery on 9 Sep, I'd most probably have to go for surgery to secure the affected area with a piece of metal...

Pray for healing...

So I finally got to spend some chill time with my niece, Joanna. We met at Starbucks at Marina Square (near the cinema), went walking (slowly) around the mall, watched a movie - "Step Up 3", and supped at Xin Wang Hong Kong Cafe. We both got home before 1am just now :P

Note to self: next time must send her home...especially when her phone batt is flat. Prayed really fervently on my way home. Got a bit worried :( Thank God she got home safely...

Just had the house valuated in the afternoon. Hopefully, the rest of the process in buying over my parents' flat would go smoothly. Actually the more troublesome part is the renovation. Lots of packing, discarding and probably need to move out during that period... Jia You!!!

WWJD?

These Boots Are Made For Walking

2010-07-29T23:28:00.004+08:00

I was given this Walker Boot to replace my fibreglass cast. Now I can walk without crutches... with care. It can be easily removed for shower. Unfortunately my X-Ray today shows no obvious improvement. If the condition remains after another 6 weeks on this boot, I'd have to go for operation to put a piece of metal inside.

How, look like Robocop not? Lol...

In about 8 hours' time, Mom would be wheeled into the operating theatre for her most major surgery...of the brain.

We're all praying for you, Mommy. Sleep well tonight. Be strong tomorrow. Amen!

Hoping For Psalm 30:5

2010-07-21T23:19:00.006+08:00

Jo called this afternoon. We had a good and super long chat (two hours!). We can talk about everything and anything under the sun. After 20 years, we have new found common interest - Korean drama. Lol...

Caleb and Bob came by to visit at 5pm. Bought me a bouquet of flowers and McD for tea. My favourite double cheese burger without ketchup! Yummy... We had a good chat, too. Caleb did most of the talking though. Haha... But he was sharing with me about having progressive vision and being faithful in daily knowing God more. It was quite in line with what I was reading today about the Great Commandment (love God and others) and the Great Commission (ministry), meant to happen in this order.

Then Mui swung by after on her way home from SGH and bought me dinner. We ate together, exchanged thoughts about the issue of getting my own flat. It was insightful and sobering. She gently dropped news about mom's condition. Looks like she's going to be staying longer at the hospital than expected.

Mommy, I wish I could go visit you. I give you my flowers...please get well soon...

Peck called around 11pm to check on me because of the news. She was at the airport going to Shanghai, scheduled to be back on Saturday. I hope Leng's ok, too.

Jehovah Rapha, please do something, and glorify Your name!

"For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning."
- Psalm 30:5

----

PS: Thanks to Paul Ang who came as courier service for work documents. It's good to have a helpful colleague that stays nearby.

Skitzophrenia

2010-07-20T21:49:00.001+08:00

I think I have skitzophrenia - I hear voices when I watch these videos...

onetimeblind - MORE COKE - christian drama from onetimeblind on Vimeo.

Comfort from onetimeblind on Vimeo.

onetimeblind - LIVE IN ME - christian drama from onetimeblind on Vimeo.

Beginning Of Mid Life

2010-07-20T14:30:00.001+08:00

"God’s pain is our comfort... And in the agony of Jesus lies our hope. Had he not sighed, had he not felt the burden for what was not intended, we would be in a pitiful condition. Had he simply chalked it all up to the inevitable or washed his hands of the whole stinking mess, what hope would we have?" - from Max Lucado's "God Came Near: Chronicles Of The Christ"

I find these words comforting indeed. If what I'm going through could move the heart of the Almighty God, I'd find that I'm not alone, and I'm protected. If He could feel for me, I believe He will not let matters rest until I'm comforted, and until my status is where I'm supposed to be - where He purposed me to be.

For 38 years, my life has evolved according to the choices I make. I cannot see the hands of God though I believe He is at work. But God's gift of freedom of choice lies the responsibility that is inescapable with its consequences. There's no Ctrl-Z. We cannot undo the things we experienced with our 5 senses. We cannot undo our thoughts, words and deeds.

Every easy choice today will have its consequences tomorrow.
(quoted from the movie - Doubt; words of Sister Aloysius Beauvier played by Meryl Streep)

Well, as today unfolds, (4pm now) I've received 70 over well wishes on Facebook and a few over sms.

My colleagues, 10 of them, came by to visit me at home during lunchtime around 1pm with a cake to celebrate my birthday. Fayanne, Hwee Hoon, Phaedra, Anne, Wee How, Darren, Paul Ang, Paul Cheong, Kennieth, Adrian (a.k.a Kris). Thanks for the gifts, birthday cake, durians, and fishball noodle! :D I wish I had taken a picture with them...

Presents revealed: Body lotion from Fayanne and Hwee Hoon; X-mini from Catherine who couldn't make it. Wonder how she knew I have been wanting to get this little powerful speaker :)

My birthday request to God is that during this period of rest, I will have a breakthrough in my relationship with Him. The whole package deal and have a knowing of what this life with Him is all about. It's like sometimes I know it, yet sometimes I'm a bit lost. I'd ask questions of what really matters, what's the meaning of being radical, how can I, being who I am would be able to fulfill His purpose, even with His help. What's going on? Is there such a knowing? Or we're not supposed to know exactly so that we can live by faith? Where's the evidence, though unseen? And where's the substance hoped for?

What am I hoping for? What's the evidence that I should be looking for? The paradox of certainty in everything not so certain. One issue I've been thinking of is my portion in marriage. Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I'm meant to be a caregiver to my mom and live with her to my old age. The married leave and are joined to their spouse. The unmarried would have to stay with the living parent(s). That makes sense, doesn't it? Having said all, I have to remind myself that:
" But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord." - Apostle Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32)

Entering midlife has a connotation of getting into a crisis. Yet I believe it doesn't have to be so. To the bin with all these psychological and sociological terms to label and put people in boxes and self-fulfilling prophecies. I have my share of depression, but mostly when I compare myself with others who are 'there' or whose lives look more happening. I feel like I'm losing out. The abundant life that Jesus promised doesn't come with a condition of marital and social status.

I'm gonna go spend time with my Creator who brought me thus far to midlife, and get my perspective right side up!

Mission Mobilisation Wisely Thwarted

2010-07-16T23:38:00.004+08:00

I hate it when my plans are thwarted. You know, when you're all excited about what a good idea something's gonna be. You thought you've thought through it all till someone come with better sense and make your plans look stupid. I had to admit it. It would be even more stupid not to.

With all good intentions, I wanted to get back to the office tomorrow. The timing was just right. It's Saturday, and nobody's gonna be at home. I can get past the how-are-you's and get straight to work. Mui had to be back at work, too and she was willing to pick me up and fetch me home after. The foot condition being an accident (unplanned), I wasn't prepared to work from home. I needed to get back at my desk to settle some stuff. Aye...long story.

And with all good intentions, someone reminded me of how unrealistic and unnecessary to risk hurting myself further. I thought of the possibility and how further burdensome I would be if anything happens. I could not afford it. So, the wiser thing would be to decide otherwise and live with the guilt of the undone.

Well, on the bright side...it's the weekend. I'll live!

Closer Still

2010-07-15T22:52:00.000+08:00

Pink cast with green shoe to keep it clean...

It's the fourth day since I had my new cast. TTSH did a good job. Not that I have a lot of experience to compare with, but a little googling tells me that what I have on right now are not plaster cast but one of fiberglass material. And it's in pink! Haha... I'm not crazy over pink but it did put a smile on my face when mine was put on. And it went well with my pink malindi crocs I bought recently. My doctor said they have the cast in different colours, but I'm not sure if he was joking. I'll find out if I need to change it at my next follow up visit on 29 Jul.

The cast I was put on on my first visit was done at the Emergency Dept. It was what the hospital called a below knee backslab, covering only the sole and a bit on the side, then right up to the calf. The whole cast was supported by bandages around the foot to below the knee level. That cast was heavier than my current full cast. Instead of bandages on the outside, the fiberglass cast itself is a wrap around, bandage-like application that firms up when it dries. Very quickly too.

The only similarity is, both types of casts are not applied directly onto the skin. It's on top of a bandage legging. The lower grade one at the Emergency Dept caused me itch in less than 24 hours. It was so severe that I had it removed on day 2 and left it open till my first follow up on Monday. Without it, I could limp on it, though, it was not a very good idea. Apparently, especially so because this was not a hairline fracture like my first one on the other foot. There was a little separation which needs to be secured in position at all times for it to heal properly. So a full cast was inevitable anyway, but I thank God that the irritation is minimal.

Getting ready to hit the shower. A daily affair to protect the cast from getting wet! :D

Oh, I moved back home after the doctor's visit on Monday. Braved the 2 storeys of stairs down from tenth to eighth floor. Bought a pair of crutches (short distance) and borrowed a nice wheelchair (long distance) for going to work when I get better. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm gonna try. Soon, I hope. It's really difficult working from home. Maybe I can go back on Saturdays where nobody's in the office. Walking with the crutches with only one foot has proved to be challenging though. TP is such a huge compound and my office is so deep in. Sigh...long story, with much considerations.

Mom has been taking really good care of me these few weeks since my foot was hurting before the fracture. I haven't had her around consecutively for so many weeks for a long time. Since she stayed my sister's 9 years ago. Anyway, she was already not feeling well since Sunday but fell quite ill yesterday, dizzy and vomiting. Leng was so worried that she called David who stays a few blocks away, to accompany mom at the clinic. In the afternoon, Leng came by all the way from her house and bought us lunch. She stayed awhile, helped to clean up the house a bit, and cooked minced pork porridge for dinner before she left around 5 plus.

There's a Chinese saying that says "遠親不如近鄰" so I'm really thankful to have both "遠親" and "近親". I hope we sisters and brother will stay close-knitted forever, and all my nephews and nieces!

Scratch And Whine

2010-07-06T23:20:00.002+08:00

Just one day after putting on the cast, my foot itched so much I had to have it removed, scratch, apply cream on it before putting it back again. Thank God it's just a half cast (90 degrees under my calf and feet). The thing about an itch is, the more you scratch it, you can't stop instantly. The affected area gets bigger, in fact. It would have probably been better if I had left it as it is.

How to 'dong' until it's time to remove it for good? I think really have to get it changed and ask for anti-itch medicine...but I don't think there's such a thing, oral medication for itch.

The other thing about itch is...it's easy to give in cos you really don't know if it's worth enduring it. It's like what if it's never gonna go away? Why not an earlier release? Instant gratification ;P

Moving around the house is aided by my nephew's swivel wheeled chair. Sometimes I would sit on it and use my good leg to paddle...like stone age Flinstones, haha. Sometimes I'd put the knee of my injured leg on the chair and 'skate' on it. It's cheap thrill for an otherwise frustrating period. It won't last long for sure. I'm already feeling I'm imposing on people around me. Helpless and burdening.

Wai Wei and Yani came to visit me today with a box of chicken wings. Half was from Indonesia, brought back by Yani, our Indo member of the Worship Ministry. The rest were local. They left just before dinner and the wings were more than enough for dinner for me, mom and the family.

I want to go home asap.

Good Things Come In Two's

2010-07-05T22:43:00.006+08:00

When I was young, I have this obsession that everything has to come in pairs to be more complete. For example, if I start walking down a flight of stairs with my left foot, it is comforting if I end up on my right. If it doesn't, I would feel the urge to do something about it. And talking about stairs, it feels more natural to begin with my left foot.

Incidentally, I fractured both my feet in that preferred order, involuntarily, of course. The first was 9 years ago. The second was...yesterday! T.T

My mom caught this kitty flying near to my sister's house's window out of nowhere. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry...

And I kept thinking it was an old injury, only to realise that it was not the same foot as before. Bad memory.

So my sister took leave today and drove me to TTSH A&E to get an X-Ray. That's where I found out it was another hairline fracture. I'm now on cast. Doc said it needs to stay on for 2 months! Oh my gosh!!! I got a 1-week MC with a likely extension after a follow-up visit next Monday. I dread to think of who would have to take leave to take me to TTSH. Sigh...

Today's visit took up more time than last Tuesday's visit to Tampines Polyclinic. So ridiculous. Ironically, I wanted to go to the A&E hoping to avoid the usual 3-hour wait at the Polyclinic. Bye $90... And poor Mui. She had to drive me around. Went home to pick up a list of things like laptop, chargers, hard disk, sarong (hee...) etc. to make sure my next few days' stay at her house would be least inconvenienced, another irony (I'm the one causing the inconvenience).

A big consolation is that my beloved nephew welcomes me. Probably cos he's the only child and usually returns from school to an empty house. He's a really thoughtful person and very obliging. Yet strangely, even as a teen now, he enjoys playing with my eldest sister's 9-year old twins. What a gem! :D

Sigh...I'm going to miss watching my Band's competition this Saturday. Arrggghhhh...

Dependence Day

2010-07-04T20:30:00.002+08:00

Wed, 18 Jun 08. That was when I injured my left foot playing tennis and had to stay home fo 3 full weeks. (That's one thing good about blogging. It allows me to dig out my posts quite easily with a few keyword search.) Vividly remember that it was due to playing tennis with a few of my colleagues under the FIT programme organised by our HR. I went back to the office on 7 Jul 10

Sun, 4 July 10, 2 years after I recovered from my left foot, my right foot received a similar sprain. Still yet to affirm if it could be a fracture like I had on my left during the 911 period 9 years ago.

Past few weeks I had been nursing a strain on this foot due to over exertion. I pieced a few things together and kind of gathered that was the case. Today, I went to see another doctor recommended by a colleague and he said it could be gout. He asked me to get it checked for fracture tomorrow (since it's Sunday today) and later to ascertain the condition.

Thanks to Gayle who spent the whole afternoon with me since end of 2nd service. Sat with me, drove me to the doctor at Golden Landmark, had late lunch with me driving through Carls Jnr, then send me to Mui's house, the previous place of refuge 2 years ago.

I wonder what the few episodes pertaining to my foot would have indicated if it is a reflection of my walk with God.

I KNOW
Verse:
When I see the sunshine
When I see the sky
When I see the birds fly
My eyes could but cry
For I know there’s a God
And I know for me He cares
I know
Yes, I know

Chorus:
Seasons come and go
Just like the wind do they blow
But my Saviour’s love
To me forever flows
Today I found this God alive
He has given me peace of mind
Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall
He will always be my Lord of all

Season Of Fulfillment

2010-07-03T23:37:00.003+08:00

In a state of blur-ness, I went Church-ward thinking that there was a Worship Ministry Team Leaders' Meeting. On the way there, through a few smses and a call, I realised that the meeting had already been brought forward to Wed, the day I couldn't make it because of an event in school.

So since I was already on the road, I didn't want it to be a 'wasted trip' and ended up having brunch at Old Airport Road Hawkers' Centre. Dad was at David's stall preparing so I sat at the table nearby. I was there for almost two hours, mostly staring into blank space. Thought I could have some pasta but was too hungry to wait for David to start business so I ordered beef kway teow and just sat there feeling a bit emo till I could take it no more.

With Xin Wang Hong Kong Cafe in mind, I headed towards Marina Square. Thought perhaps my pants would be ready for collection. Had to shorten the length a little. So it was and after collecting the items, I chilled at Starbucks nearby instead and played Angry Birds. I had a pie, glazed doughnut and a frappucino, and also bought a pack of baked almonds which I'm eating now :P~

Didn't walk a lot at Marina Square due to my foot condition, but I did spend almost 3 hours there nevertheless. Had a car wash (and vacuum) before attending Saturday Service. Pastor Yang spoke about Season of Fulfillment. We are entering into this season but we need to find out God's assignment first. So what's mine? I also don't know. Though there were a couple of prophecies that came straight to my mind. Needless to say, these would be rumbling in my mind at least for the next few days.

Need to tread carefully because the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy.

Counter Offer

2010-07-01T14:10:00.000+08:00

No, I didn't get an offer for me to counter. Why would I decline my 'dream' job? Haha...

I was asked to cover my office counter (a.k.a. reception desk) yesterday while the rest were busy about for CCA Awards Ceremony at TCC. Thanks to my foot condition which still allowed me to drive to school, I'm now actualizing this fantasy to do customer service.

Well, not that my real job does not involve customer service, and reception work is not exactly some brainless and stress-free duty either. Maybe I like it cos I know it's not my real job. It's doing something different. Hmmm... it's like getting to enjoy playing with somebody's kid and get to return to them when the crying or whining starts. Ahahahaha...

At least I could contribute to the event by releasing all non-disabled staff and I felt less guilty for having to absent myself. Nobody is indispensable, but it is vital that everyone plays their role well. So I'm quite grateful that I could still be a part of it.

So I've been indulging myself in Korean drama while I was stuck at home for the past few days. It has been moments of in-and-out-of-reality experience. Haha... It is amazing how we can be detached from one state of mind into another when our senses are captivated and our heart and mind engaged. Mood changes, and just for those moments, even what's depressing can be forgotten.

Maybe that's how most people would cope during tough times, when the one's spirit is down. Suicide would be the extreme to those who have no more courage to live through another day.

Aiyo, how come my post become so morbid??!!! Emo sey! Ok, detach, detach! Cut down Korean drama already!!! I know, watch the funny ones. They're usually very good. I think our local productions should seriously look into the speaking ability of the actors before casting them. Some of them, once they speak, you feel like switching channels. Having said that, I also don't know how good the actors in the Korean drama are speaking their own language. Sekali some also cannot make it. I read subtitle only. Lol!!!

I'm on leave today because of my foot again. Getting a bit worried of this prolonged state...

Resting For The Longer Journey Ahead

2010-06-25T22:28:00.008+08:00

I wanted to write about today this morning. It was pouring heavily till about 11am. I was in my bed the whole morning.

In my half-awake state, I contemplated about not going to work today because my right foot has not been recovering much. I concluded that I did not let it rest fully enough. For the past 4 days, the accumulated exertion has caused much pain by the time I set foot at home. The decision was realised at about 8.40am as I sms to my colleagues that I'm taking urgent leave.

So, instead of blogging, I was busy emailing, sms-ing, and msn-ing to settle some outstanding stuff at work, mostly for a performance assignment by one of my group this coming Sunday, which my colleague will be covering because one of her groups is also performing for the same event.

On my way to get my foot wrapped at the Chinese Physio, I drove my car for inspection at VICOM. That didn't take much walking, thank God. Today's the only day I can do it before the end-of-June deadline. Went straight home after getting my foot wrapped and has been home since.

Because of this injury, I won't be able to sing this weekend so no rehearsal tomorrow either. I hope I can attend service Sunday, but I might not be able to. I hope to still be able to attend the CNLWE Concert, too. One day at a time.

In the afternoon I was tempted to drive to my sister's house at Choa Chu Kang, cos my niece was cooking pasta, and some guy is helping out. I was anxious to meet this guy who apparently would be a potential relationship...so exciting!

I felt like a mother whose daughter has brought home her boyfriend. Wanted to see for myself how he looks like, if he's a nice boy etc. Too bad they were going out in the evening so that means I won't be able to have a long enough encounter. End up decided to stay at home. Well, if it's going to happen, I'll get to meet this boy soon enough. Haha...so pa-kua!

One of the people I msn-ed with was just casually asking me if I've watched the movie or read the book entitled "Tuesdays With Morrie". I didn't think much about it until just now, I was reminded of it and decided to watch it online. The whole movie was on Youtube.

As usual, I love the quotes. One of it was:
"Not letting ourselves be loved because we're too afraid of giving ourselves to someone we might lose..."

So which is worse? Fear of giving love? Or fear of receiving love? Probably the latter...

Well I've been contemplating on the issue of intimacy. I'm beginning to feel that it's an issue for me especially with God. I just identified it, though I can't exactly verify that. I don't know why and so I don't know how to get out of it. I'm sure life's experience would have much to do with it.

Reminds me of another quote I picked up from the movie... "we learn from what hurt us, as well as what loved us."

Believe it or not, my headache is still alive. My flu is still happening, too. Everything seems a bit long drawn...when is it gonna end??!!!

Heal me, God...!!!

Fruity Foot

2010-06-22T12:22:00.002+08:00

So it was not really a sprain. I didn't remember any of such episode anyway. That's why I was waiting for it to get better over the last week, thinking that I wouldn't be walking a lot during Church Camp. In fact I slept quite a lot during the 4-day stay at Thistle, JB. :D

The Sinseh said it was because I walked too much before the period my right foot started feeling the effect, accumulated as the day goes by as long as I never fully rested. Come to think of it, it could even be from Graduation week. The long walks between SAA and TCC, literally the east and west of campus, more than twice a day for 4 days. Then without resting enough, we came to the week with all the rehearsals, stayover and the actual performances for the International Conference on Learning & Teaching at Grand Copthorne Waterfront Hotel.

It wasn't a sprain, but it was equally painful. More so by the day. The more I don't let it rest and even a small amount of walking could have aggravated it. Sunday was the ultimate at Marina Square. Thought I was just going to visit one shop and go home. End up a much longer walk than I had planned.

After work on Monday, I decided that it was not going to get any better no matter how little I was going to be on foot. This morning I took half day leave to see the Chinese Sinseh at Bedok Reservoir Road. The last time I went there the Sinseh was 2001 because of my left foot. After looking at my condition, he recommended me to get it XRay-ed to confirm that it was a fracture.

Thank God this time it's not on the bone. The treatment was not painful. The Sinseh was very gentle in fact. Very careful as he moved his hands to massage the ointment unto my foot. So now my right foot is all white and bulky with a few rounds of bandage, and a netting to secure the whole bundle together. The netting looks like the styrofoan stuff you'll see in the fruit stall, used to wrap and protect those apples separately.

Hope I won't feel any itch to enable me to keep the bandage on till Thu morning. I was given a pack of pills to take 6 of them, 3 times a day. The pills are the usual Chinese medicine kind of black stuff and they look 'hand made' with the inconsistent roundness. I think it would be wise to say grace before I eat them, ahahaha...

Now I'm contemplating if I should get my head checked. Has been getting this on and off (mostly on) pain across from my left to right temples. I wonder if this is what they called migraine. Better stop watching shows on my tiny ASUS screen for prolonged period of time. Limit to one movie or 2 episodes of series at a time. Time for some paracetamol dosage again.

Not Even Close To The Last

2010-06-18T20:24:00.007+08:00

It seems like I've been looking forward to a moving target and never reaching there. Working towards event after event, never really settling down. It sends a small shiver down my spine thinking, what if this is going to be how it's gonna be for a longer while than I expected.

For now, just this week, it's one stayover for the last camp of this short 2-week vacation, which, for the record, admin staff in IHLs operate the same as any company (i.e. we don't have automatic vacation with the students). In fact, we're busier this season.

Tomorrow, TP Chorale is hosting 5 Choirs from 4 Secondary Schools and 1 JC to have a half-day exchange on campus. All thanks for our Conductor, this would be the first time the Chorale (actually any of my groups) is doing something like that.

It would be quite exciting. Just hope that the members behave themselves like how young adults supposed to behave. You know, at this age, they are 'not here not there'. Well, some adults don't exactly act their age. Behaviour is socially determined anyway. Who can really say how one person should reaaaalllyyy behave at a certain age. Who's the benchmark?

After this, it's CCA Awards Ceremony, SAF Combined Re-dedication Day, 3rd National Band Competition. National Day Celebration. If I express a sigh of unending-ness, I think it's fair to say that it's not about losing stamina. IT'S REALLY A LOT OF EVENTS EH!!!.

And my real job is not Events Manager, can? It's Student Development Officer/Arts. Sometimes there are so many 'extras', it is a big concern to me that I'm down playing what really matters. All are not brainless activities and surely require a lot of time to do a good job - to keep the plates spinning.

So what's my stabling factor? I guess at the end of the day, a designation is just a title. My real Appraiser is God. My benchmark is Jesus. I work towards being Christ-like in all that I do. I'm created to worship Him, to bring Him pleasure. That's what's unchanging, no matter how my job has evolved.

Abba Father, I need Your grace to persevere. To do the right things, and to do them right...by You. If this is where You have placed me, this is where I want to be.

Camp Out

2010-06-17T23:50:00.003+08:00

It's been camp after camp, back to back, for the past week.

11 to 12 June - TP Chorale Induction Camp (in school)
14 to 17 June - Cornerstone Family Camp at Thistle, JB (apparently it's former Hyatt)
17 to 18 June - TP Band and Artistic Collaboration Induction Camp (collaboration between the 2 Dikir Barat Teams and Malay Dance Group, in school)
18 to 19 June - TP Fusion Percussion Induction Camp

Wah, I miss my bed! The bed at Thistle was super comfortable though. The room is really nice, too. I slept a lot during the camp. Almost all the free time, when others are out shopping, suppering... I just slept. The bed became my comfort for my constant headache. My right face has been getting this constant irritating pain throughout the whole time, even now. Wonder if it's a result of some gum problem. The pain kinda started there, connecting the nerves around the area.

So, it's back to sleeping in school today. Either sitting on my chair or sleeping on a few conference table chair. Still got to do night patrol later. Torture...

Out Of Sync

2010-06-13T14:56:00.002+08:00

Was almost bed bound on Thursday. Had a fever from the night before with flu and the works. Friday was in a groggy state because of the medicine so it was a rather difficult day to go through the day and to stay over night in school for student camp. Didn't sleep much. Yes, it's that time of the year again. 3 more to go next week. Thank God the CCA Awards Ceremony has been postponed 2 weeks.

So the first camp went quite well. Even though the camp debrief with the committee ended a little after 3pm, there were so much to take care of before I can shut down my computer. By the time I reach home, it's after midnight. It felt like a Saturday but it was already Sunday. So tired out I didn't make it to Church in the morning. Still sick.

Prior to this Fri-Sat overnight camp was another last minute arranged Tue-Wed overnight with the Choir members because of an early-morning performance at an International Conference. I didn't sleep much at all.

Remind myself not to so readily agree to a morning performance. Especially not when the students have to report at the venue at 8am with their costumes and make-up AND hairdo. They were told to doll themselves like brides. The time of the day really felt like a wedding, too. It would have been easier it I only had to deal with one bride.

Aside from a few, the students were actually very cooperative. A little bit of shooing was inevitable and we were a little behind time at first. But the traffic was very smooth so we were there much earlier than expected. Phew...

The performance, according to endless compliments after, was fantastic. Everyone was happy. Yay! I'm happy too. Also glad that it was finally over. The fuss over this one is unprecedented. Oh well, at least it paid off. Expect to get more demanding in future.

I'm feeling a bit lost. Not just the consciousness of which day of the week I'm at, but also which part of my life. I can't see what the present has to do with my past and much less, the future. Maybe I'll find some answers at Church Camp, between tomorrow and Thursday. It'll be my first time driving beyond the border to Thistle, JB.

I've yet to pack, change money, fill the tank with gas. A bit unwilling to go out.

A Glimpse Of Team Temasek

2010-06-09T02:58:00.003+08:00

Our Dikir Barat Men’s Team came in 1st Runner-up at last Saturday’s (5 Jun 10) Inter-Polytechnic Competition – Piala Suara Serumpun 3!

From an arts group that was nearly disbanded 2 months ago to what they have achieved just 3 days ago, it was pure hard work of committed and intensive training over 6 weeks. To know that 80% of the 20 participating members only joined from late April’s CCA Recruitment Drive and most of them have never competed before.

Except for RP which does not have a Men’s Team, all Polytechnics sent in both their Men and Women’s teams to compete in this event – 9 teams in total. Along with the top 3 team awards, the competition gave out awards for Best Lyricist, Best Juara (lead vocalist), Best Karut (secondary vocalist), Best Awok Awok (group of singers with synchronized movements), and Best Percussion Team. TP clinched 3 out of the 5 awards (highlighted above), leaving the other 2 to NYP.

Our Women’s Team performed well and showed team spirit with their loud cheers whenever TP went up to receive the awards. Knowing that they were not going to walk down the hall for any prizes did not stop them for celebrating the win of their male counterparts.

I couldn’t be more proud last Saturday, sitting through the near 3-hour competition, enjoying the energy of all the competing performances even though I didn’t understand a single word they were singing about. On hindsight, I believe this is the best experience I’ve had with both teams after taking them for so many years. In the past, both groups were separate subgroups under Malay Arts Group. Now, they are like family. What I see is that they have attained more than just the recognition and the trophies.

I see Team Temasek…in the arts! A dream come true!

Siti Wan Kembang (Hur hur hur)

Being Optimistic

2010-06-06T19:23:00.006+08:00

Ooooohhhhh...it feels so good to lie on the floor of my room doing this. The floor has been cooled by the air con and really inviting considering the humid warmth everywhere else.

So much has happened since I last wrote that I really don't know where to start. Blame it on the macbook power adaptor that has been faulty for the past few weeks. It took me a while to finally decide to get a replacement. $128 eh. But I thought, it would be an investment even if I decided to upgrade. So before this, I had been minimizing the use of my macbook in case the batt runs dry. When it was getting low, I would bring it to the office to get it charged with someone else's power adaptor.

Anyway, so I haven't gone online with the macbook for a long enough session to blog. I kinda lost momentum and got lazy. And if I ever go online, I would use my tiny ASUS EeePc. It has served me well for the past few months, just that it hasn't been for social reasons. Work has also been really busy and I get real tired just thinking of what to blog about.

So what has been happening? Generally, work has been extremely busy. It's like multi-tasking to the max. A chit chat with a few colleagues made me realised that our head count had been reduced by half quite a few years back, but our jobscope seemed to have been more than doubled since then.

Standards have gradually risen and it's getting harder to 'live' up to expectations without compromising the work-life balance that we're supposed to be proud to have achieved corporately. Setting a target of x number of training hours when we have no time to attend any makes analyzing our learning needs pointless.

Optimism is thinning. One big consolation I give myself is that it is an opportunity to force myself to depend on God and look to Him for strength and hope everyday and that I'm doing something meaningful and worthwhile. Sometimes it's difficult to focus when some people keep comparing me to others. Optimism means to take it in and improve myself - that means stretching myself further. I was near to burn-out, now slightly better. All the same, sense of depression comes more easily during such times. The heart becomes more delicate.

A big encouragement was to witness one of our two Dikir Barat teams (men's and ladies' teams) clinching the 1st Runner-up position at yesterday's Inter-Poly competition. Besides that overall prize, the team also won 3 out of the 5 individual awards - Best Percussion, Best Juara (lead vocalist) and Best Karut (secondary vocalist). Not the best translation of 'Juara' and 'Karut', though.

Oh I have a new Malay nickname. It's called Siti + some traditional flower name that I can't remember. What sey! One kind eh, they all! Menyesal!!!

So this coming week's Wednesday, the Choir will be performing an opening item at an International Conference for Learning & Teaching. Apparently it's a really big event with BOG attending. Much attention has been showered on the members to ensure they perform well. From costumes, to accessories, to make up, to choreography...beyond your usual expectation of a typical Choir. I hope all their hard work would pay well and they themselves will appreciate the process and raise their own standard.

Then Band's Flute Ensemble will be playing at the following day's reception. They will be doing the same set as they have done at last month's Graduation Ceremony VIP reception.

After this event is a series of camps from 5 of my 7 CCA groups. Overnight with them to be expected during the 2 weeks of term break.

And then there's going to Band's participation in 3rd National Band Competition in Open Division. Choral Exchange between my Choir and some other Secondary and JC Choirs. Besides my own students' stuff still got external committee involvement! SAF Combined Re-Dedication Day lah, National Day Celebration Day lah, TP Rawks lah! WAH PIANG! A lot of event to coordinate and supervise eh. Want to peng san already sey!

Church Camp from 14 to 17 June. I'm glad this year's Award Ceremony has been postponed to 30 June. Was supposed to be on 18 June. Now I can attend Church Camp in peace. I'm filled with anticipation of a fruitful spiritual encounter with the One whom my life is revolved around.

Oh, today I had my eyes checked to prescribe contact lenses. This is my first time and I'm quite excited about it. I'm getting daily lens cos I'll only use it around twice a month when I'm on duty for worship vocalist. Cos sometimes I can't see the lyrics projected and I'm supposed to be subtle. Not nice to squint my eyes on stage, right?

I had thought of wearing specs but it'll fog up cos I tend to get very hot with the stage lights. The energy spent would also add to the fogging up on my glasses. Hope wearing contacts would help. Collecting on Thu!. So exciting!!!

Face-Slamming Grace

2010-04-18T20:10:00.003+08:00

I'm peeling on my nose. All thanks to Orientation Finale on Friday, I was out in the sun from early afternoon to evening, from the stadium tracks to Bedok Reservoir, from telematch to dragon-boating. Of course I'm not alone. But this year it's my first to be so 'exposed' due to a change in job scope.

I think I nearly had a heat stroke. Felt really nausea somewhere in the middle of the telematch. Thought I would not be able to 'dong' until the end of the the dragon boating segment, but felt better after sitting in the shade at the reservoir. One of my colleagues actually puked when we were packing up at the end. Poor thing. It could have been me, too. Next year we should get caps for all the officials.

Well, it's over. Again I felt quite proud that the whole team pulled through the whole project together. Some had sleepless nights, quite a few stayed till real late on some days, even coming back to the office over weekends. Well, we all had our share of OT, Jasmine! I'm so glad she's temping with us now, haha!

And again...the amazing weather. The rain came before and after the event and I was literally awed from the inside. Thank you, my Creator God. You're a prayer-answering Abba Father! So gracious! Happy is (s)he, whose God is the LORD! Yay!

The weekend, needless to say, was 'to die for'. It was quite an early start at Church for a songwriting workshop with Alarice. I surprised myself that I wrote an almost complete song at the end. Woohoo! And to know that I nearly missed it cos it was so difficult to get out of bed yesterday. Whole body was like aching.

Anyway, it was rehearsal right after that for 5pm's Saturday Service. This week's duty was different from the others. The team was only doing Saturday. Sunday's services were covered by the Vine Band from Hong Kong. But after Saturday Service the band came to set up and took us for a session on band dynamics.

A few of us brought the band to Old Airport Road Hawkers' Centre and treated them to some typical local delights. Too bad David and Pam was already packing up. We were there slightly after 10pm but apparently, due to the first day of the opening of Circle Line, most stalls, like my brother's, have closed because everything is sold out. But we still managed to get supper there nevertheless, just that they were not the best, if you know what I mean. The fellowship was good though.

Thanks to Vine Band leading worship this morning, I didn't have to be in Church at 7am. Went for 2nd service. The worship was awesome. A couple of songs were from their new album but they had the melodic hook (a term I learnt from Alarice yesterday) and so they were real easy to flow into. There was such a presence of God. I felt so loved.

Relentless Grace
By The Vine Band

You are God
Yet You love me with a Father's love
And I stand amazed
You are God
Yet it's me You chase
With relentless grace
And I stand in awe

You are my God
My heart's response is
A life devoted to worship
You are my God
I can't contain it
This praise escaping my lips

With relentless grace
With relentless grace
God, it's me You chase
With relentless grace

Oh, this praise in my heart
Is escaping from my lips

With relentless praise
With relentless praise
I will worship You
With relentless praise

When I heard this song, I couldn't help but thought about what I wrote in my last post. I was grieving over someone whom I thought was relentlessly ungracious. In contrast, on the other extreme, was my God who is relentless gracious. It just filled my heart with hope. Really, such hope, and such joy. Made me want to love Jesus even more. Then I will have more love and strength to love even the unlovable.

Had a good time with the boys during Prison Ministry, too. I'm so glad I could make it this week cos I was not well the last time (2 Sunday's ago) I was supposed to go. Was told to lead the group with a few songs. Thank God I found some song sheets at home that I could use. My softcopies were all in the thumb drive that died on me. Couldn't salvage anything from it so I was glad in my stack of reusable papers was a full set of the extra prints. It was not a coincident that the sermon today was about the God who provides.

Hallowed be Thy name, our heavenly Father. Hallowed be Thy name.

It Aches Not To Hate

2010-04-13T22:22:00.001+08:00

My heart aches because I cannot hate. I'm not supposed to. And I don't want to. Yet the more I try to suppress my right to hate, curse and swear, I find my heart aches even more.

Why? WHY??? How come? Why would somebody behave this way? So merciless, so relentlessly ungracious. What have I done to deserve this?

Re-quote:
"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."
- Mahatma Gandhi

In some sense, I believe Gandhi is right. It is so painful to love. It hurts just to refuse to hate somebody who hates you. So one must possess great courage to continue opening one's heart to love and risk the possibility of not being loved in return. Such cruelty.

Notwithstanding, God's word is still the life-giving truth and His ways are righteous and just.

Luke 6:27-36
27 “But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. 29 To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. 30 Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. 31 And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise.
32 “But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. 35 But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. 36 Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.

Courage To Show Love

2010-04-11T08:30:00.004+08:00

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."
- Mahatma Gandhi

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare." - Mark Twain

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point." - C S Lewis

God knows I need some of that now. Sometimes I tell myself if it's really worth it to put your heart out for certain people because they don't even care a hoot and they don't want to have anything to do with you.

Agape love should not contain any grudge in it. Yet the bitter feeling of being offended by the rejection makes it so hard to love cheerfully. And the irony of it is, the more I try to love cheerfully, the more hypocritical I feel.

I know I need courage not to give up on loving. But how to do it right?

Someone told me that you can hate a person and still work with him/her perfectly in a professional level. But what he didn't tell me is how to deal with it if that person is not dealing with this working relationship professionally. And if the person is just a kid, it would feel so unfair cos I'm supposed to be the adult here. Damn it. It's so tiring. And I don't think I can live with taking my self (the one holding on to the belief to work towards unconditional loving) out of my work especially in the kind that I'm doing.

Relationships that are not mutual always produces mismatched expectations. One of the parties is bound to get hurt. The one who loves more is always the most vulnerable and suffers the most.

Am I thinking it right?

Mixed Emotions

2010-03-22T13:51:00.000+08:00

Fear has the ability to paralyze people. It is as complex as the human mind, carrying with it more than the obvious. Sometimes, it's not even that obvious or rational. But to that person possessing the fear, that fear is real.

Note to self:
A leader who is unable to control his temper and be objective will never make a good leader. Spare the innocent bystander.

A Touch Of Greatness

2010-03-15T19:22:00.000+08:00

I am inspired...

Losing Track

2010-03-15T09:19:00.002+08:00

There are so many things that I have been wanting to write about. I even formed the words in my mind when they happened. But I just got no time at all. Well, hope I can still remember when I have time to really sit down and write about them.

Not now, of course...2 minutes is not enough.

Angelistic Activities

2010-03-01T09:10:00.010+08:00

Just when I was feeling a near suffocation, God's hope found me through yesterday morning's sermon by Steve Brooks that caused a slight paradigm shift towards being more aware of the spiritual realm - the other reality that we usually ignore because they are invisible to our naked eyes.

As usual, I'm still trying to absorb this refreshing information, but whatever that's added to my faith so far has been good. Slow and steady I'm embracing it. In a supernaturally-natural way.

So Jesus, what's the name of my angel(s) and can I get more help, please? Come angels, let's worship the Lord together.

This is so cool! I can definitely get used to this.

Yesterday I went for a gathering with the former Photo-Videographic Club alumni. Now called Visual Central. PVC (lol) used to be under my charge in my early days as SDO. It's great that we're still in contact now, meeting at least once a year to catch up. We had lou-hei at one of the members' house and ate DIY poh-piah and kueh-pai-ti (anyhow spell one). Then I head off to Mui's and had another Yuan Xiao meal with them and my parents.

L-R (Top): Me, Peck Hong (Da-Jie), Peck Hia (Leng)
L-R (Bottom): Mui Hong, David (The Pasta Manna Man)

My Siblings (current and almost 2 decades ago)

Yesterday (or today) was also my sister's (Leng) birthday. Born on 29 Feb, she's like 10.5 years old yesterday/today. Cheem. Hopefully she won't get early mid-life crisis. I went to her house on Thu for dinner and to pick mom up. She has apparently ran away from home...lol. Anyway, I wanted to say that for a mom (referring to my sister) who works as a tourist photographer with 2 teenage girls, her house is really well-maintained. She has a common hobby with her kids - hamsters. Lots of them. She just let them breed and pass it on to the pet shop near her house...or something like that.

They are soooo cute lah. I had to tell myself that I CANNOT adopt her hamster though she would gladly give one or two to me. I have enough household responsibility for now.

I wonder if there's angels that helps with domestic burdens...

Come On And Calibrate

2010-02-27T20:45:00.005+08:00

I'm feeling so tired for the past few weeks. And recently with health issues both parents are going through, I'm affected with ferrying the folks to and from hospital - 2 different places. This is the first time I have been assigned to do such tasks and it doesn't help when both are not staying with me.

Other things around me have been giving quite a bit of stress. Car, phone, CNY obligations, work and anything relationship-related. Plus it's the time of the monthly biological cycle that I get easily tensed about things. There's a limit to how many groups of people a person can commit to. I think I've reached my limit. I'm feeling choked.

A colleague put it right that it's like we have so many plates to spin so no matter what, we need to be careful to do the rounds so that every plate stays spinning on the rod. We only have 24 hours a day. I'm in desperate need of a break.

Perhaps I need to be pulled out of my need to be in solitude. Maybe I'm too contented with just spending my time the way I want to. When I'm imposed upon by others to do things not 'on the way', or not according to my schedule. I'm easily ticked off. Give me a break!

God, please enlarge my heart. I don't want to close myself up just to make myself feel comfortable and become complacent. Resolve it within me so that I can freely worship You.

I need to be emotionally and spiritually calibrated.

...

The event happening on the public stage in front of my block is killing me. Super irritating cos the performances really cmi. The town council or whoever rents out the premise should preview the items so as not to cause public nuisance to innocent residents forced to listen to crap music. Closing all my windows is a failed attempt to block the noise. I hope they don't go all the way to 11pm. Argh!!!

Waaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuu!!!

Double Dosage Of ACDC

2010-02-22T23:23:00.009+08:00

Took leave today to drive Matrix for check-up. The 'medical fee' came to $729 mainly cos I changed all 4 tyres. The whole thing took about 3 hours. Thank God I brought my ASUS Eee PC and watched a couple of CSI episodes while waiting at the workshop.

Then I went to find Zam at his VideoEzy outlet and dragged him away for a drink and chat at McD.

Since I was feeling rather bored after that and couldn't keep Zam for long, I decided to go window-shopping at Fairprice opposite his shop. I just wheeled the trolley so I didn't have to carry my heavy bag around.

Would anybody actually think that this squid was sicked before?

A check on the dictionary explains 'Cured' as the act or a method of preserving meat, fish, etc., by smoking, salting, or the like. I learnt something new today.

Still couldn't find my fish sauce. Only found these at Giant (a few days ago) and Fairprice (today), respectively.

I shall persevere...

Well, in the end (as usual) it became more than just window shopping. Bought mainly 2 boxes of biscuits to bring to the office tomorrow. My stock had run dry for a long time.

Then I 'jioh' Gayle for dinner at Raffles City. Parking there is cheap during weekdays after 5pm. While waiting for her, I went Market Place and saw the real '金針菇' (golden enoki mushroom).

Have we been conned? All the while we've been buying the white enoki mushroom and calling it golden enoki mushroom. The real one is double the price eh!

Anyway, after I got out of Market Place with a tub of muruku (just couldn't resist it), went for the Iced Tea Milk at MOS Burger and watched half of CSI Season 8's Episode 9 cos the battery went flat. But shortly after Gayle arrived. I didn't even get to play Jojo's Fashion Show on Touch.

We went Soup Spoon for dinner followed by a drink at McD. Had a good chat, too. I'm satisfied with the double dosage of ACDC (ate 'n' chatted / drank 'n' chatted) and hopefully, it'll be able to last me for the week ahead.

Oh, got T and E tomorrow. Better sleep early so I have the energy to absorb the teachings in the evening.

Good night and sweet dreams...

Time To Go

2010-02-20T23:41:00.004+08:00

Path way between DES School and Student Development Centre

The weather has been rather hot lately. I was on my way back from lunch at DES canteen when I noticed that a big part of the grass patch in front of my office building (photo above) has turned brown.

Is the Church in Singapore really going through spiritual drought just like the land is now experiencing physical dryness?

For the past few weeks, the sermon has revolved around harvest and the lack of labourers. Hence, calls were made for the congregation to respond to 'Go', or 'Give' (support the 'Go') or at least to 'Pray'. Pray that the Lord of the harvest to thrust forth labourers. It's time to put our hands to the plow, whether we are going, giving or just praying.

And to have what it takes is really to simply make ourselves available and do what we can. Even if we are not willing, be willing to be made willing.

Let's pray that we won't miss out on the work that the Lord is doing. He's going to get it done with or without our help, but God is gracious and He wants us to be a part of it.

"If not me, then who? If not now, then when?"

So Many Plates To Spin

2010-02-19T15:56:00.007+08:00

Didn't realise we have sooo many CCAs in TP:

Students' Union
TP Students' Union

Academic Studies Clubs
Applied Science Studies Club
Business Studies Club
Design Studies Club
Engineering Studies Club
Humanities and Social Sciences Studies Club
Informatics and IT Studies Club

Adventure
Adventure Club
Experiential Learning Facilitators (ELF)

Arts and Culture
BAND
Chinese Orchestra
CHOIR
Dance Ensemble (Modern and Hip Hop)
DIKIR BARAT
Divo Diva
FUSION PERCUSSION
Indian Dance Group
MALAY DANCE GROUP
MUSIC VOX
Production Crew
Salvo Drums
Teatro (DramaTec, Titisan Temasek and Rauthirum)

Community Service
Community Service Club

Interest Groups
Aerospace Engineering Interest Group
Blackbox
Beyond Boundaries
Double B
Energy Oasis
ENGINEERRUS Newsletter Team
FDM (Integrated Facility Design and Management)
G-Force
Global Connect Club
Green Interest Group
International Students
i.Live
Japanese Cultural Group
Microsoft Student Community
NYAA Challenge
PACEsetters
TP-BP Mentors
TP Cliquers
TP Debates
TP Toastmasters
Visual Central

Sports
Sports Club
10-Pin Bowling
Archery
Badminton
Basketball
Canoe-polo
Cheerleading
Cricket
Dragon Boat
Floorball
Hockey
Kayak Racing
Life-Saving
Netball
Rugby
Soccer
Sport Climbing
Squash
Swimming
Table Tennis
Taekwondo
Tennis
Touch Football
Track and Field
Triathlon
Volleyball
Wakeboarding
Water Polo

Those from my department (in bigger letterings) are managed by 13 staff. Those in UPPER CAPS are mine, of which one has 2 separately managed teams - men and ladies', and one more in to be revived. Technically, that makes 8. Huat ar!!! Lol...

With the expectations that 'upstairs' have on us and our groups in terms of performance (skills and administration) and management at student and officer level, the multi-dimensional drain on oneself can be rather overwhelming at times.

The heatwave has been hitting on us. Now we're a fiery red dot. Makes me crave for red bean ice - my all time favourite beverage at Xin Wang Hong Kong Cafe.

Plates can't contain much when you try to spin them. But if you use bowls, you won't be able to spin them at all! Hmmm...

Friends + Picnic = Guaranteed Good Time

2010-02-16T15:58:00.007+08:00

The plan was simple. I would bring the staple for a late picnic-style breakfast. Charles volunteered beverage while the rest of the girls just bring any leftover CNY snacks from home. Zam and Charles would bring their guitar to either entertain us or lead worship. Those who have it would bring picnic mat. With one sms, Fiona gave instructions for carpool and everything was set.

It's amazing how when you're excited about something, it takes more to feel tired from all the preparation. Last night I stir fried my favourite Korean 'dong-fen' with leek, chives (a check on the internet says it's called 'chinese leek'), minced luncheon pork and 5 eggs. And of course, fish sauce. Let it in the frying pan and heat it up in the morning before packing it into a box.

Also mixed a pack of crab sticks with mayo, sesame oil and garlic oil, and black pepper and left it to chill in the fridge overnight. Set aside some leftover sausages to be packed into the ice boxes in the morning. I bought a little instant BBQ box (which wasn't very instant to start fire) and topped up on the disposal crockeries.

The bbq box was the same one I bought before and used at the impromptu bbq with Mom, Peck and kids at East Coast Park. So from experience, the so-called fire-starter paper didn't work very well. To play safe, I bought a box of fire starters. Haha...

Vivien was the first to arrive at Pasir Ris Park. I picked Zam and Bob from White Sands, Christine came with Gayle and Fiona with Charles. And then there was Ruizhen, ahem...who got lost and came last.

Initially we laid all the picnic mats we have on the grass, but the power of the sun was too awesome so we moved into a pavilion and laid the mats on the ground. It was rather cosy and the wind was blowing like nobody's business. But I was not about to complain. It worked well for me.

So we started eating whatever we brought, and after a while, Zam and Gayle started the fire successfully and we cooked about half of the bbq-able stuff. It was so funny, cos the 'pit' was too shallow and kept burning quickly whatever we put on the aluminum foil which we placed above the soot-filled mesh.

We sang songs and chatted, talked about each other. Haha...mostly random stuff. So that's what fellowship is all about. Friends talking about anything under the (hot) sun. Ok, we were under shelter lah. A few of us even attempted to fly this hopeless kite I got from a previous office gathering. But it was hilarious so we still had a good laugh from it.

If not for the passing drizzle, we might have stayed awhile longer. Those people out in the open also came into our pavilion to take shelter. It's a public place, anyway. By the time we packed up and started walking towards the car park, the rain had stopped. It was all good.

For me, it was a satisfying and fruitful time. Thankful for the weather and the company.

It's the relationship built, the things we share, the things we offer to and accept from one another, how we relate to each other when we bring up the happenings in our lives. How we are not afraid that we would be intruding into someone's space and time when we share about something that's been bothering us, even though it may sound stupid and random (perfect love casts out fear). It's the time we give to each other and choose to spend it together rather than doing anything else at any one time.

So with that at the back of my mind, I'm thankful for this bunch of people who indulged in this suggestion to have a picnic on their rest day - make all the preparations, wake up early in the morning to be at Pasir Ris Park at 9.30am, and have a good time together.

Gayle and Charles' powerful digital SLRs have all the photos. Some of them taken by those who were fascinated by how clear the photos turn up on the display screen. Put them up soon!

It Has To Be Fish Sauce

2010-02-15T11:16:00.007+08:00

I love cooking with fish sauce. You can say I grew up with it. My favourite hawker food since childhood - fish ball noodle - uses it. Ok, those that use soya sauce can step one side. It makes a good difference if the cut chilli is soaked in it.

So I was just eating the minced pork porridge that mom made. It tasted a bit plain so I added some fish sauce. Mmmm...I'm going to eat another serving. :P~

You know how you would sometime wonder. How could something that tastes so good be really good for health. One lingering thought I have about fish sauce that occasionally popped up into my mind to haunt me is...does fish sauce contain MSG?

So I decided to indulge my curiosity this time and did a search on the internet. Well, apparently, the low grade ones do. And the article on 'How Fish Sauce Is Made' has it well covered. Well, it was enough for me :D

One paragraph by the writer, Kasma, made me extra happy, "For your information, good quality fish sauce not only works wonders on Thai food, it is also good for you. It is high in protein (as much as ten percent for top grade), and this protein is a complete one containing all the essential amino acids that the body requires for growth and regeneration. It also contains a rich supply of B vitamins, especially B 12 and pantothenic acid, riboflavin and niacin. Other beneficial nutrients include calcium, phosphorous, iodine and iron."

Ok, honestly, I most probably am not going to further research to verify the above statement. And I won't sue this lady for a bad claim if the truth shows otherwise. At least I'm not too ignorant to get any kind of fish sauce from the shelf. I'll just go for the recommended higher grade ones, which doesn't contain MSG. Supposedly. Ok, I'll check the label just to double confirm lah.

Do these bottles look familiar to you? I think except for the King Crab one (3rd bottle from the left) I might have seen the others in our supermarket.

The one I have in the kitchen right now has the following ingredients: fish, salt, water and burnt sugar. Burnt sugar??? Lol...I think it meant caramel. The proper label would probably put fish extract to be more accurate. I'm going for an upgrade once this bottle is finito... By the look of it, it should be done in no time. In fact, I could start hunting down one of the 4 recommended labels.

Maybe on my way back from picnic at Pasir Ris Park tomorrow I can drop by at Giant.

Muahahaha!

Another Incomplete Reunion

2010-02-14T23:10:00.004+08:00

Last year it was mom and everyone visited her and had a mini reunion dinner at TTSH's visitors' lounge. This year, dad couldn't make it. He's also staying at TTSH. If not for mom who was recovering from the operation she underwent a month ago and couldn't move around too much; if not for the fact that dad's was an accident and we had already planned (food and all) to have reunion dinner at Peck's, we would have done it again. We had time to prepare for mom's admission.

BUMMER! :(

So my plan was to sleep in on Saturday morning. At least till 10am before I do my final lot of spring cleaning and then fetch Dad, David and Sean to Peck's house for Reunion Dinner. But I was awakened at 8plus. Mui called to say that dad is in pain and wanted to be sent to the hospital.

I pulled myself out of sleepy state and rushed down to pick him up. On the night of his fall, Peck brought him to get an x-ray at CGH. The doctor couldn't find anything wrong. The pain must have been unbearable, cos dad was adamant about not going back to CGH this time so I drove him to A&E at TTSH. He went through another x-ray and the doctor there located fracture mark on 2 of his ribs. He needed to be admitted for observation to ensure the fracture didn't cause any harm to his lungs or the fall didn't cause any further damage. How could the doctor at CGH missed such vital marks?

So that took the whole morning. By the time I got home, it was already 1.30pm. Did some vacuuming, mopping, washing and hanging clothes, etc. Felt so tired I didn't really feel like getting out of the house. Well, did so anyway. Drove all the way to Bukit Panjang...25km, man. Dinner was good. Shabu shabu :P~ But dad was not in this annual affair. So sad.

So mom came home with me after the LNY eve gathering. That meant I could stay at home and wait for everyone to come the following day. I didn't sleep in very much cos needed to help mom to prepare food. Supposed to check dad out from hospital, too. But when I called him, he said he wished to stay on. So I continued to help prepare food.

Everyone came, one family at a time. By noon, everyone had arrived. While mom cooked the staple, I was busy preparing side dishes. I think my crabstick mayo was quite a hit. I also toasted smoked cheese sausages, taiwan sausages, seaweed chicken and canned pacific clams with tobasco sauce. I'm glad they were all well-received. It makes me happy when people enjoy the food I prepare.

My small 3-room unit was filled with 18 people. Half of us are the 'dua-mao' type. (runs in the family) so it was rather cosy. And none were in the master bedroom, mind you. My 7 nieces and nephews mainly stayed in my room after 'breakfast'. For those who ever dared venture into my room, it's like the most cluttered place in the house. But my nephews and nieces would rather hang out there and leave the adults eating and chatting in the living room.

Since mom couldn't really travel much, she didn't go visiting, so I stayed home with her...to my delight. Was thankful for the afternoon nap that I needed, after sending off a cousin and family who came to visit mom.

In the late evening, David and family came by to return the car and we had dinner together.

My house is back to semi lights out condition again. Thank God for Jenny's Christmas present, mom and I could still go to the dark places with the lamp in hand. See the little green smiley face lamp at the top left corner. Pow-wer!

God is still greatly to be praised.

Abba Father, open my eyes to see what's going on here. So that all the pain and inconveniences would not be in vain. I commit our lives and safety in Your hand. Thank You for family. Please take care of my dad in the hospital. Let his fractures heal rapidly and help him to bear with the pain. May he learn to put his trust in You. In Jesus' mighty name! Amen! (Please pray with me...)

Dad's Fall

2010-02-11T22:48:00.003+08:00

I'm so glad dad's ok. Falling down from a high chair at his age is no joke. Anything can happen. When I read Peck's sms, the first thing that came to me was guilt. All I could think of was that I shouldn't have told mom to call him to fix the living room light, which was probably the cause of the semi lights out at home since last night. But that one has been flickering for a few days.

Mui rushed down from the office first and brought him to the clinic downstairs and Peck drove down from Bukit Panjang. Where was I? I was in the office working and my phone was in my bag...in silent mode. When I got back, Peck and Mui were already waiting for the medicine at the clinic counter. Dad was sitting on the bench with bandage around his head.

My heart is still in a sunken mode. I'm thinking about the small pool of blood on the floor that came from his head. I pray that it's just external injury. I wanted to say sorry, but I knew I would cry if I said it. I did manage to utter it as I send him off at the door. Peck drove him back.

Sorry, Pa. You'll never have to do this kind of thing again. I forgot that you are already 71. I feel so helpless, undependable.

I was just asking a couple of friends over last weekend this random question, "do you think I'll make a good mother?" Right now, I'd rather not know.

Heal My Heart And Make It Clean

2010-02-07T22:53:00.001+08:00

God knows I need it. I'm desperate, more than I can admit it. More than I am conscious of it. Only God knows how much I am dying without it.

And I felt it today. He did not let me go. He did not leave me alone in "Numb Numb Ville". It's strange to say this, and even sounds a bit cheesy. But I feel that He went there to find me. I got lost and He found me. His hope led me out, giving me the courage to move out of the counterfeits and into what could really satisfy.

Let Your compassion fill my heart and awaken my soul. May I desire more and more each day to see You glorified in me and through me. Help me to stop being so caught up with my own needs. Open my eyes to see the world through Yours and enlarge my heart to understand what breaks Yours. Compel me to go. Get me out of my complacency and apathy, and respond to what really matters.

Jesus, You are the Way, the Truth and the Life. Let me not settle for anything less.

Numb Numb Ville

2010-01-29T13:03:00.005+08:00

I read about it in one of Jack Frost's book - Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship. I think it was a state of mind. Anyway, I'm still in the first chapter. But this 'Numb Numb Ville' kinda describes the state I've been in and out of for some time now. And while in it, all sorts of issues emerge and compound on one another to further complications and confusion. Just when I managed to get out of it, it sucks me in again.

Get me out of this rut. Or if I'm meant to be in it to learn something, let me feel You with me. And tell me once in a while, that everything's gonna be alright. I feel like I'm trying to make sense even of the norm, as if there's more to it than meets the eye. Help me to focus.

I suddenly remembered what triggered the frequent visits to 'Numb Numb Ville'. Trust. Someone had betrayed my trust. And it was not some life and death issue. You can say that it was a white lie, or a cover up to appear to be wise. I think "That's why..." has been used too loosely.

Are you sure that's why? Or are you just taking credit as your own because it happened that way? Don't act smart if you didn't think of it in the first place. Don't steal credits as if you knew it all along and say you planned it so it turned out "just the way you wanted".

My heart aches as I shout this out. It aches because it's torn. I take trust very personally. And when I give it, it is personal too. How can trust not be personal? It is made impersonal with paper contract. People would rather have themselves to fall back on than to appear foolish for mistrusting.

My heart aches because after being betrayed, I know it will make it harder to trust again. It is tiring to be suspicious and on the alert all the time. It's tiring. I hate it. I hate to have to trust someone with the expectation that they would fail you. This sentence doesn't make sense, does it? Or does it?

Is that what entering God's rest is all about? Because it is in Him that one can fully trust without being fear of betrayal. It is trusting that He will not reject me when I choose to lean on Him. It is in Him that one can truly rest, cry, love, adore, worship. It doesn't just feel good. It feels right. It IS right. Perfect. Perfect rest. Perfect love cast out all fears.

Maybe I'm in 'Numb Numb Ville' out of fear. Fear of getting my head out of my turtle shell only to be chopped off. How can anyone be alert enough? Apathy. Detachment. Stop! Go away! NOW!!!

A Matter On Giving And Taking

2010-01-27T11:41:00.001+08:00

Had quite a temperature yesterday. Subsided in the early morning but still not well enough to get myself to the office today. 2 days MC - haven't had that for a while.

Slept almost the whole day yesterday and only got out of bed to see the doctor at the clinic downstairs, eat medicine, ate the porridge that dad came by to cook for me. He said he rushed over in a cab when mom called him. So sweet. Was really appreciative so I made myself eat a little while he was still around even though my stomach didn't feel up to it at that point. Anyway I hadn't eaten anything the whole day. But by the end of the night, I did manage to finish up the whole mega bowl of mince pork porridge and 2/3 pot of plain porridge with a big slice of steamed fish. Then it was back to bed again.

On hindsight, I'm really glad I ate all the porridge cos I just realised that I haven't been drinking water that much. I was probably dehydrating.

Mom has been in the hospital for the whole of last week for a major op. She's discharging today and will be staying at Peck's, without her usual coming back home over the weekend, probably till after Lunar New Year. Going there for reunion dinner for sure. Have been visiting her a few times at the hospital (SGH), chatting with her, getting her usual mumbling about how I should really take care of my health, to spend wisely. Since I'm not married and have no children, it would be difficult for me when I get old, blah blah blah.

Strangely, what she said kinda did it this time even though I dreaded listening to her nagging. Perhaps it was because I couldn't bear to retort due to her condition that her advice sank in more easily. Yes, there are some areas I could ease off a little. I should cut back on restaurants and fast food. Both for wealth and health reasons. Surely food court is good enough. School canteen is the best. Think about it, most working adults in Singapore need to tackle the lunchtime crowd for more expensive food when all I need to do is to get to the canteen 10 mins before lunchtime and takeaway. I actually prefer to eat in.

I gotta be careful not to depend on credit cards too much... maybe only use them when there's discounts?

Eating too late is another problem. Sometimes I wonder if I eat late cos I can't sleep or the other way round. It's becoming a habit since I started supper-ing with my students a few years ago. Oh gosh, a few years ago! Imagine the damaged done. Stop!!!

Well, at the end of the day, it is to be a good steward of what God has given me. He gave me the health to work and acquire the wealth allocated to me with the job He has provided. Not that I should live like a kiam-ka-nah. I'm a child of the living God. He's a generous God who clothed the lilies of the valleys and feeds the sparrows and gives peanuts to the squirrels (???). God doesn't need to impress anybody. He gave because He can and He cares.

We should care, too. It's just that sometimes we care more about impressing or getting approval from those that matter very much to us with our 'generosity', that we don't realised we've missed the whole point of giving. If those we care about would find us any less because we can't give as much anymore, then it's probably good to know now than later.

Perhaps I'm just trying to justify myself. Maybe I still believe that there is value in "the thought that counts" (i.e. if the ones we love would bother to give "a penny for our thoughts"), rather than not giving anything because I feel that my gift will never be worthy enough. So if you can only afford to offer peanuts so you can enjoy a pack or two together and great fellowship, it's ok, too. Right?

I believe there's humility in giving...and receiving.

Another Peng San Week

2010-01-13T13:22:00.000+08:00

JPSAE stands for Joint Polytechnic Special Admission Exercise.

"The Joint Polytechnic Special Admissions Exercise (JPSAE), first launched in 2006, aims to make available a rigorous and challenging polytechnic education to students with special aptitude and talents. Under the Exercise, polytechnics are prepared to exercise flexibility in student admission while maintaining a quality intake.

Polytechnics will consider students who demonstrate a strong passion or aptitude through work attachments, sustained involvement in course-related projects, outstanding performance in competitions like the Maths/Science Olympiad. In addition, students with outstanding talents/achievements in leadership, community service, entrepreneurship, sports, artistic and creative areas will be considered. Up to 5 percent of the polytechnics' annual intake of students can be admitted via the JPSAE.

Each polytechnic has the discretion to determine its modes of assessment of students' talents, including portfolios and interviews, among others. Each polytechnic will set its own respective selection criteria to ensure that only students who are able to cope with the rigours of a diploma education are admitted."

So for that, the whole division is practically on duty for the week (OT till beyond 8pm) at our JPSAE Booth. Don't say you're not given more options... And mind you, the work doesn't end here... we have to follow up for 3 years. So don't blame us if we only pick the cream of the crop after the auditions/trials.

Hello, can I helpchu?

100110110110

2010-01-11T01:59:00.000+08:00

Another binary-ish day... which I have obviously missed writing on. Heck... today's another good one, so let's combine (may the force be with me...lol!).

The past week had been a full week of work till almost midnight on Saturday. Thanks to Open House, my feet is hurting like...no I don't know how hell can hurt but I'm sure I was no where near.

Oh, talk about Open House... I believe I have not had better weather for Open House than this year's. For one, the Band performed the full repertoire under cloud-sheltered afternoon , when just hours before, it was so wet and windy that one of our tents flew off the ground and killed a few kois in the pond. The ones that survived are probably still traumatized and hiding in safe corners. The morning was spent helping to salvage the rain-drenched equipment. I guess it's a small price to pay for the 3 days of non-stop programmes.

Nothing beats hardwork wasted due to cancelled performances that disappoints the performers as well as the the organisers. I still think we should outsource the sound equipment for the whole week. But then, working with external vendors could be stressful, too.

So at the end of the last daytime shows, I decided to enjoy my forgotten lunch in the cool breezes right in the middle of our performance area while the sound and lights were being set up for the evening's jam & hop.

If not for God's 'pillar of cloud' by day, I'm quite sure my face would be as red as the t-shirt I was wearing after being out in the open for so many hours.

Worship rehearsal last evening was fantastic. Told Surya that I love the sound he gave me. When I can hear a good effect of what I sing, I can 'play'. I had fun. We were rehearsing the songs for the 3 days of Heidi Baker's meetings. The 1st and 3rd nights are going to be at Fairmont Hotel. Big stage, full Choir combined with those from our Filipino Service. Looking forward to it. Hopefully I'll get to catch up with friends from last Aug's mission trip. And pray that God sustain my voice throughout.

Upcoming is a full week of duty at the JPSAE booth to talent-spot for some of our arts groups. Then followed by auditions and selection. Blah blah blah... I need grace and wisdom so I can give the right counsel and shortlist the right candidate.

So, I wonder if "100110110110" mean anything. Anyone?

Rekindled Love

2010-01-03T22:28:00.006+08:00

First work day for the new year in less than 12 hours. Excited, yet apprehensive. Apprehensive as challenges don't disappear just because hopes are up with new visions. On the other hand, hopes are strengths. God's hope - 'no horse run', and that's what I'm counting on, for life.

That's just one part of my life - my share of the market place. There are many aspects to juggle. Work, Family, Church, Ministry, Personal life. I believe it's the same for everyone. One thing I learnt from yesterday's meeting, though, that none exists on its own. We can't compartmentalize the individual aspects. Everything intertwines, balanced by congruent living, walking in the Spirit and in the fear of the Lord (beginning of wisdom).

God takes personal interest that I succeed in all because He entrusts the stewardship of this redeemed life to me.

I love Jesus. He's been my Hero, more than I have given Him the credit for.

And He loves me, too. In fact, He loved me first. And He loves me more. I wish that I will grow to love Him more. Actually I can. I will. Jesus would be more happy than me if our love grows deeper.

Wait for me, Jesus. I WILL draw near to You for You to draw near to me.

Clichés are clichéd by people with no verbal integrity, leaving clichés as mere clichés to be clichéd further. Uncliché clichés to revive their true meaning and (for some) great power.

John 3:16 (NKJV)
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."

Teacher X-Change, So Divine

2010-01-02T18:56:00.007+08:00

I'm not a teacher per se. Nevertheless those working in an educational institutes were encouraged to attend due to a similar potential influence in the market place of the Education Mountain - one of the 7 mountains shaping a nation.

After this morning's meeting, I felt that God has answered my prayer - strengthening me once again into my sphere of influence. Got a word from the Lord during the anointing service. It was a gracious reminder. Something for me to seriously look into. Really thankful for God's faithfulness in His grace and discipline.

Thank You, Abba Father.

Kenneth introduced me to this 'secret society' dim sum place called Bosses Restaurant. A bit pricey but was quite nice. Was a teeny weeny bit upset, though, that they charge $1 for ice water which I refused to pay for. Such a glam restaurant with a 'ghiam kah nah' customer service policy. If I happen to go there again, I'll bring the 85 cent 1.7 litre housebrand mineral water from Cold Storage. They better don't stop me. Hahaha... so who's the 'ghiam kah nah' one? Lol!!!

So sad that HLX is closing down. There goes my favourite 担担 and 炸醬拉麵／飯. Should patronize more before they are no more.

010110

2010-01-01T23:23:00.003+08:00

Like binary code, this first day of the year. When near the end, a look-back makes one feel that 'time flies'. Yet, looking ahead, any apprehension tends to cause a dreadful outlook of a long year ahead. It's a matter of perspective. Change it or continue to dread...the choice is yours.

Food for thought: "This is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118:24)

Have been feeling kinda down lately. So I'm looking forward to the 'Market Place' meeting for teachers and people working in the educational institutes tomorrow morning, hoping to revive the purpose in what I do, day in, day out. You know, get the big picture and find greater meaning in the ground level work.

Slept in this morning. Would have lazed around in bed if not for a lunch call. My brother's pasta was a good start for the day. After that was Sakae sushi at Parkway, Carls Jr at East Coast and a short hop to Starbucks next door.

Oh, I managed to change Touch's screen protector this afternoon. Like, finally! And for $8 only. Though a bit sad that there seems to be no anti-glare ones in the market for the 1st generation so I had to settle for the normal one. Oh well...

I love my friends. I love chilling out at quiet places. Cynthia still "enjoys a good laugh, and treasures moments of connection."

Turkey-ish Delights

2009-12-27T20:22:00.002+08:00

Christmas season is usually a time for gatherings. And with all the "fei-lou-ship" comes feasting, inevitably. Can you imagine a get-together without food? In Singapore, it's actually quite hard to imagine. Let's count the feasts...

19 Dec - Band Christmas Lunch Buffet @ Downtown East Sakura
24 Dec - Office Christmas Lunch
24 Dec - Family Christmas Dinner @ Peck Hong's (a.k.a. 大姐's house)
26 Dec - Worship Ministry Team Leaders' Meeting cum Christmas Lunch at Caleb's
26 Dec - Cell Group Dinner at (the other) Caleb's

Was supposed to go for another Dim Sum buffet this afternoon at Tung Lok but I pulled out the night before for obvious reasons. Yesterday, at both Caleb's, we had turkey...on the same day eh. Wa lau... cannot make it (referring to myself, not the turkey).

And I realised... I got quite a lot of presents this year wor! :P I've caused so many people to be blessed (it's more blessed to give than receive mah, hee hee...).

Continue To Love

2009-12-21T18:42:00.003+08:00

God sees us through and through. There's nothing we can hide from Him. Truly, I find it comforting when I can get beyond my grief and bare my heart to Abba Father. He knows how I feel and why I feel the way I do.

In His mysterious way He would show me my heart in the matter and gently correct me so I get the right perspective. Sometimes it's hard for me to accept it but in the end, there's release in that submission.

God's ways are higher than man's ways add together. He sees the present from the future so it would only be wise to do it His way, even if at the moment it doesn't seem to make any sense.

Release forgiveness and grant grace to those who deliberately rejects acts of kindness. Do not give up on those who are blinded by their own wickedness and see others as themselves.

Continue to love.

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Eph 6:12)

Don't fight against the wrong thing.

Fight with prayers!

An Evening To Remember

2009-12-20T23:53:00.000+08:00

So they said, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household.” (Acts 16:31)

When mom told me that she is signing dad up for baptism, I didn't know how to respond. She said she asked dad and he was ok with it. So last week he went through baptism class and the ceremony this evening. Except David's family, the rest of us were there to support.

Definitely, an evening to remember. God is so faithful!

What's Next?

2009-12-15T16:08:00.003+08:00

Maybe she's right. It's probably better to keep colleague interaction at work, and occasionally just go for a day's outing, evening meal. But friends should be able to go for a short trip together. I guess it depends. Would have to be really close friends who wouldn't mind just sitting around doing nothing and chat about anything under the sun.

Scars

2009-12-14T23:12:00.005+08:00

"Scars remind us of where we've been but they don't have to dictate where we're going."

Call me a sadist, but I used to enjoy peeling the scabs. The deeper the wound, the thicker the dried up scabs. Awesome...

Many times things remind us of our past. Sometimes we remind ourselves, sometimes others haunt us with their words and actions. I'm thinking of this song by Kelly Clarkson:

Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Maybe we hold on to it fearfully because we still can't accept that it happened to us. We hang on to the should have's and could have's, rehearsing it over and over. Then when we try to move on and brave a new path, the what if's come and draw us back again.

Vicious cycle. No wonder some people prefer to stay as a victim and whine in depression. We don't want to be responsible for another failure. It's more painful when you're hit with the "I told you so..." Rather be shy than be a fool.

*****************

Scars make me see these words in a different light and a hope, where there was little, or none before:

2 Corinthians 4

The Light of Christ’s Gospel
1 Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. 2 But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. 3 But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, 4 whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them. 5 For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Cast Down but Unconquered
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So then death is working in us, but life in you.
13 And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak, 14 knowing that He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus, and will present us with you. 15 For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.

Seeing the Invisible
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Pasta Manna Ambassador

2009-12-13T23:49:00.005+08:00

The past few weeks I've brought different people to eat at Pasta Manna on 3 separate occasions. Don't know why, just a craving and a good idea. Haha...

We really ate a lot that day. From 12 to 3pm we just sat at the table right in front of my brother's stall - Pasta Manna. Hiromi will be going home soon and she asked me out for lunch. So we set the date for Sat, 12 Dec. She likes local food so I decided to take her to Old Airport Road Hawkers' Centre.

Hiromi had Marinara

My favourite Aglio Olio *Special* (with meatballs and bacon)

Then I ordered the supersized sugar cane drink which we really took our own sweet time to down it while we chat.

Supersized Sugar Cane Drink

After the food in our stomach were in the correct place, we moved on to dessert. Like what Hiromi said, the temptation is too much. Haha...

Hiromi ordered Cheng Tng

My Ah Boh Leng In Almond Paste

All the while as we progressed from one course to another, Hiromi was happily snapping away. She took the stall, the menu, the advert pasted at the stall counter, the takeaway sign, the set meal sign and the 'A' sign (for hygiene) and many more. I told her she looks like a doctor moving her stethoscope around to listen for abnormal sound in the body. Lol...

Anyway, I wanted to let her try the white cream pasta so I asked my brother to cook me a half portion...a full portion was the result...so sharing was no longer an option.

Creamy Chicken with extra ingredient on my account *grin*

Hiromi really liked the cream sauce. She literally scraped the plate clean, much to my delight, of course. She was really impressed with my brother's food, and really excited when I helped her capture the fiery cooking.

Fiery toss - only happens when cooking Aglio Olio

And just when I thought we were done eating, my sister-in-law served us the first 2 bowls of mushroom soup prepared for the day. Wah...talk about overeating.

Mushroom Soup

Lunch ended with a family photo.

Pamela, Me and David

Hiromi said me and my brother's eyes look alike. Really meh?

Well, I think I made the right decision to bring Hiromi to the stall. It beats going to a restaurant. Bringing her there made the trip for personable, and I'm sure, more memorable. I hope that it will put a smile on her face and made her feel welcome whenever she looks at these photos in future.

Today? I'm happy for whatever happened today. It was an answered prayer. Also went Vivocity with Gayle and Natalie to catch a movie and booze juice! Was supposed to welcome home Chin Sin at Changi Airport, but that didn't fall through as planned. One thing led to another, and so...

Still can't decide what to give for the Band gathering coming Saturday...

December's really full with lots of activities. Got a department potluck lunch on Christmas Eve which I've bought and 'wrapped' the present for the exchange. I'm going to cook my Korean Vermicelli again. Need to put some thoughts into the ingredient. Hope I can handle the portion.

All In A Day's Work

2009-12-04T01:55:00.006+08:00

Was at the US Embassy today...ok, yesterday, to be more precise. It was a certificate of appreciation presentation ceremony for those groups that performed for the Daniel Pearl World Music Days that the embassy supported. I was representing our Fusion Percussion

Anyway, the journey there was ok. Decided not to drive but just cab there since there's no parking on site, only a few alternatives around the area. Mistake. It was nearly impossible to get a cab back to TP after the event which ended slightly after 5pm. The rain didn't help.

THANK GOD I managed to hijack a cab dropping a passenger at the other entrance of Gleneagles Hospital. The taxi queue stood over 20 people (not kidding) and the cabs coming in were rather scarce. God, I hope I won't ever have to be in this situation again... Suddenly, a new found appreciation for dear old Matrix.

After that I met up with Francis, a Band alumni for dinner. Wanted to go to David's stall, but...it was closed for washing. Bummer... My brother lah, sms him earlier never reply. Went T3 instead and ate at Crystal Jade. Walau, less variety and more expensive than TM's. Expected lah, but... After dinner we went Coffee Club and la kopi for a while before heading homeward.

My free gift (magnet reindeer inside) from using Visa, spending above $50

It's always nice to catch up with those I've worked closely with before. I seem to remember more students from my earlier years as an SDO. I hope to be able to maintain those relationships, but I'm realistic enough to know that not all such wishes are mutual...just because. We all have that same 24 hours a day. Gotta know my limitation and learn to pace myself without feeling guilty about it.

Times are different now...bosses, too. Job scope has expanded (still expanding), expectation gets relentlessly higher by the season. And especially at this time of the year where we're asked to invite our alumni to come for the Alumni Night on Friday, 11 Dec, 7.30pm at TP Auditoria Foyer, it makes me miss them and the good old days even more.

Oh ya, my godbrother MM is starting school next week. Poor thing, gotta work and study... I tend to just call him when I miss him. Next week can only miss him twice, he says...haha. Better just sms first before calling...in case he's sleeping. Seriously, it's not easy to study and work, so I'm really proud of him that he has that determination.

Accidental Slapstick

2009-11-30T00:55:00.004+08:00

Watched the 9.15pm Mulan with Ben, Jaslyn and Minyan just now. I can't exactly describe whether I like the show or not, cos the super irritating people in the theatre were laughing at places throughout the whole movie where, really, they weren't funny at all! I tried not to be affected and just concentrate on the movie. I mean, maybe I just didn't get it. Blaming it on a poor sense of humour could perhaps make me feel less irritated. As a result, I think it diluted the intended experience for the audience. Well, at least for me, that's what I think it is.

Bummer...

Mad About Bones

2009-11-27T20:37:00.004+08:00

Monday morning sighting...amazing work of nature.

Wonder what's the name of the species...looks edible :P~

It feels so much like Saturday today.

Met up with Alex and Tiny (pronounced as Tini) yesterday. You know, gather gather, and ate at Pasta Manna - a.k.a. my brother's stall at Old Airport Road Hawkers' Centre. Apparently, pan-fried meatball pasta is their all-time favourite. I like it, too. I even added extra 'toppings' - bacon. Yummy! We ended up ordering the same entre. Both Alex and myself got the set so we had mushroom soup and a slice of garlic bread. Thanks to moi...we got super big portion of pasta at no extra charge :P

In addition, Alex ordered the supersized (dinosaur) sugarcane and 15 sticks of pork satay. I must say, the pork satay tastes really good. Seldom you'd get to eat pork satay, for obvious reason. We were really filled and satisfied by the end of the meal. So good we decided that the next round, we'd get a few others to join in.

And just before we left, I went to say "bye" to my brother and sister-in-law, and there stood Roger, another TP alumnus who came to get takeaway pasta. He is another of Pasta Manna regular. It makes me happy that so many people I know actually like my brother's cooking.

Went to watch New Moon with Kenneth after that. The saga was a little disappointing. I feel that the whole show has just too much of abandonment. Too much for me to take...rather depressing. The ending didn't help either. So abrupt. I'd give it a 4 out of 10. Should have watched Mulan, instead.

After I got back, I continued on my box set of Bones Season 4. Slept late, inevitably, and woke up around 2pm, laze around a little plus a bit of ding dong before finally deciding that I would go Ion Orchard for some plastic assistance. The things I would do for some people. Lol...

Despite a small detour to find the entrance to the car park, spinning round and round to find a parking lot, the journey down town was rather smooth. Quite proud of myself, actually, haha... I serious feel that some days, I'm led by the prompting within me to make those correct crossroad decisions when all by myself, especially when I charting new routes. I would like to credit it to the Holy Spirit. Don't ask me how I know. I'm still figuring this out myself.

Anyway, Peck came back again with the twins after their play time at Changi Beach Club and bought 2 sets of KFC (mainly for the kids), Mug root beer (I still prefer the not-as-sweet A&W) and Meadow Gold vanilla ice cream (it's my new favourite now). I bought some fruits from the 24-hour vege stall. Mom cooked chicken rice. So it's really a sumptuous dinner.

Didn't get to watch movie this afternoon, so to compensate for my unfulfilled plan, I'm going back to my Bones again. I'm trying really hard to pace myself so I don't finish this season too quickly. I just bought it last Sunday. Thanks to Zam who helped me keep a set cos I had been constantly bugging him. It would be unreasonable to pace till Season 5 is out. Maybe I'll re run the 1st 3 seasons till I get over it.

Haha...I'm crazy liao :S

Note To Self:
When sms-ing, be careful that 'movies' can become 'mother'. So would you like to watch a mother marathon? Lol...

Noteworthies?

2009-11-25T21:07:00.003+08:00

Writings on the walls at the backstage of Victoria Concert Hall.

What do you think?

Search In The City

2009-11-22T04:57:00.005+08:00

I can't sleep. Actually, it's more like I don't dare to go to sleep now. May not wake up in time for 2nd Service later. Slept in the morning yesterday, too. Then woke up shortly after and decided that I should make a quick trip down to VCH to find things that we left behind from Friday's concert. I was there around 9.30am. Did some crazy stuff just to retrieve things that, I think, was important only to me. Otherwise it wouldn't have ended where I had to go digging with tongs.

After I found what I could, there was still some time before my parking coupon expired so I went behind the premise to enjoy the morning scene at the Singapore River. There were Dragon Boat races going on. So cool cos it was right smack in the CBD area so you have the row of skyscrapers behind.

There were groups of people jogging, tourists snapping away. The was also a couple of Indian men sitting on the floor, each with a basket containing a snake inside. The duo were appealing to a group of Japanese to take pictures with them.

Reckoning that my time was up, I went back to the car. Was driving towards ECP to head home but decided that I would drop by Marina Square. Well, it ended more than just a drop-by. Watched 2012 at the cinema, bought a couple of items at my usual boutique, took and put back a couple more at Muji (T..T). I can't really remember where else I walked but by the time I left, the car park fee was $7.49. Oucheee!

Ok, my eyes are closing (like duh...) I'm going to hit the pillow afterall.

Going Around The World With TP Band

2009-11-19T21:09:00.003+08:00

It has been a while. Music therapy at the Band studio.

I have the privilege of being the first audience to listen through the whole repertoire. Wow...

So this year's a continuation of the series Avec l'Expression. 3rd installation with the theme "Around The World". And we're really going places...all the way out of school to Victoria Concert Hall. It's about time, after 2 years of sell-out in the school Auditorium of 570-seater. VCH's like 50% more in capacity than the audi, and with the inevitable increase in ticket price, these are just some of the challenges.

Well, if we never go, we'll never know!

In a few minutes, I'll be counting money again...praying for sell-out again this year. The music's sounding really good, I must say.

Come eh! 7.30pm tomorrow (20 Nov 09) at the good old Victoria Concert Hall...

Minding My Father's Business

2009-11-15T22:25:00.005+08:00

I felt so much love and adoration for Abba Father today. Praise and worship was awesome. Such liberty, and so engaging. Thank You, Father. It was such a great thrill, I want more of it!

I felt He has opened the eyes of my heart today to receive the message on zeal.

Z = Zeal
E = Equals
A = Anti
L = Lukewarmness

Sometimes it seems that we are living in a culture that promotes apathy, unaffectedness. When you appear to be too enthusiastic about something, you get those stares as if you're so uncool. Now, everything has to be cool, smooth, no sweat, chill.

If something is really worth living and fighting for, your words, thoughts and deeds would reflect it as it burns inside you. You wouldn't care even if it makes you look like a fool in the eyes of the world. What matters is, what are you passionate about?

Jesus was not afraid to flip the tables of those turning His Father's house of prayer into dens of thieves. Are you afraid to stand for God's standard of righteousness?

Just like you can give without loving, but you can't love without giving; you can have work without faith, but you can't have faith without work...because that would be dead faith.

The same applies to zeal.

You can have action without zeal (just look cool only), but you can't have zeal without action.

If you're preoccupied with an outward appearance of coolness, like it doesn't bother you... well, don't get too used to it. One day, when it's time for you to be radical about what really matters, your pride will be so established that you might be too afraid or become too awkward to be moved even if you want to.

Jesus' food is to do the will of the Father. His nourishment, the essence of His life, is to act on the desires of the one He looks up to continuously.

What can't I live without? If the most basic of basics of Jesus is that of His Father's business, then it should be something that I wouldn't want to do without.

Where You Go I Go - Kim Walker

Stir up within me, Holy Spirit, an unquenchable zeal for my Father's business. That His name may be hallowed, His kingdom come, His will be done on earth as it is in heaven. I need to be fed daily with Your bread of life and living water, to forgive and be forgiven. I need Your gracious guidance and merciful deliverance. You are the Everlasting God and Your kingdom knows no end. Power and glory belongs to You. For You alone are worthy. No one else. And I want all these to be reflected in my life as my worship towards You. All I need, all I want, is YOU! Bring me there!

Intensity Rising

2009-11-10T00:07:00.000+08:00

Very quickly, another day has passed.

Work was rather intense today, getting ready behind the scene the upcoming TP Band concert. Searching for supplier to provide food for the band is really a tedious thing to do because we have to get the best deal. Using tax-payers' money mah, need to justify like crazy.

Strangely though, sometimes I find such processes quite therapeutic, albeit the long, and sometimes redundant process. Maybe I've been brain-washed, but I really believe there is a place for such guidelines to ensure we are good stewards of the resources entrusted to the officers. The most difficult part is expressing my own, sometimes half-convinced, rationale to the generation I deal with that manages obstacles with a quick-fix mentality.

Sometimes I feel sandwiched in between and juggle to keep my sanity that's threatened by managing expectations from on top and below. A lot of brain work there. Yet, it is during such episodes where I feel things taking shape and becoming more defined.

Perhaps this is a reflection of a need for certainty.

Time to unwind...

09.11.09

2009-11-09T13:26:00.004+08:00

I don't know why I have this 'obsession' to zoom in on nice-looking dates, and feel the urge to take note of them and blog. It doesn't have to be about what happened that day. Why huh? Maybe cuz they only come once in a lifetime? Duh...

Still staying back late quite a abit, and I doubt it'd be any different from now till 20 Nov with the TP Band concert at the Victoria Concert Hall. That's one highlight for me personally as far as work progress is concerned. There's one assignment on Sun, 22 Nov which I need to be present on campus. Then another on Sat, 28 Nov. Those are quite bummers. But I'm going to make it enjoyable no matter what...I should say the same everyday.

On a personal basis, I'm really looking forward to the Tim Elmore meetings on 21 Nov. Time Elmore is the author of the series of 3 books entitled 'Habitutes'. Actually the session starts the day before but...

Lance Wallnau meetings were really impactful. Need to go through the notes, listen to the message again to help organize my thoughts.

All these meetings...it would be futile if you just sit through them and let the words tickle you a little, and see no change. I gotta be careful so my heart doesn't not become anything other than good ground to bear fruit from all the seeds planted.

Jason's back worship leading...woohoo! And guess who go to sing worship vocals at his 'comeback' (lol)... yipee! Fiona asked me to replace her, but nearly had to turn her down cos I was still recuperating from exhausting my voxbox from the Lance Wallnau meetings the week before. Nearly couldn't do yesterday after going all out at Saturday Service. Thank God I pulled through - applied Ps Tim's message and moved into God's healing. So is this what it means to have that 'step of faith'? Hmmm... Anyway, nowadays I feel I'm getting a bit intense...don't know good or not. Next week is my team's official week. But Fiona is on standby already. Haha...just in case.

So Kenneth said my red flats didn't go with the purple bag I was carrying. Well, if I had known we were going to walk so much after Yum Cha at Chinatown, I would have stuck to my black crocs. But I learnt something new - bag and shoes should have some fashion sense of each other. Ok, it does make sense...but is that universal and evergreen? I've been carrying that bag with my black crocs for quite a while now. Forgot to review the bag when I decided to try out that chilli-red pair.

A while ago someone told me belts should go with the shoes you're wearing. So how? Wah, everything must match...where got time? Then if cannot match don't go out already lah? I'm sure even mismatching has some matching rules to adhere to, cos you still have to look good in it, right? Irony... Somebody get me a GUCCI! :P

Evenings In Flames

2009-11-04T19:06:00.002+08:00

I've been staying out late so much for the past few weeks, it just ain't funny. Oh well, it's part of the job and what I signed up for in the first place... but that was more than a decade ago.

Age is catching up, together with an evolvement in various commitments, varying encounters & experiences, and in what I value in life. And so I find myself questioning the meaning in what I do.

Just when I was feeling disheartened and frustrated, God showed up. Was at the Transformation meetings last weekend and taking in the message that Lance Wallnau brought with him. I'm still digesting the thoughts rumbling in my head and my heart. Excited, yet a little disorientated. It'll take the next few weeks to organise what I learnt to bring them out in application.

But the gist of it is clear - I need to excel in what I do within my circle of influence. Take my position where God has placed me before a counterfeit comes and mess it all up.

Singing for that 3 evening meetings and Sat/Sun Services before and after has inevitably taken a toll on my voice. This week replacing Fiona too if my voice recover. Well, not that I mind singing. I look forward to my duty once-in-3-week, and I don't even mind doing more! Keeps me on my toes. Nowadays I feel that I'm more engaged on stage. So much so, I think I get carried away sometimes...haha. Gotta be careful so my voice doesn't suffer.

It's all about the looooovvvvveeee... ;)

Fearing The Drift

2009-10-22T19:41:00.004+08:00

I'm dealing with it.

It's not like it has never happened before. Truly, only God knows why I'm feeling this way. I'm not hiding it from Him...it would be stupid to do so, anyway.

If it's just the absence, I can probably say that time will take away the achings. But it's the uncertainty after the period and beyond that is causing me to fluster a little whenever it comes to my mind.

I tried to be all cool about it. But deep inside I'm fearing the drift. I find myself involuntarily sighing whenever I think about how bad things seems to have evolved.

It's so depressing...

The only thing I can do now is...pray. It's not for me to push anyway. I'm not in the position to do so. It's a personal choice.

Abba Father, keep us near. You see everything down the road. You know our hearts for You created us. Grace to protect us against hardening of the heart. Grace to cause our ears to hear Your voice, our eyes to see how much we truly need You. Sometimes we are so self-sufficient, we may forget Your goodness.

Let us never forget that You are the One who holds everything in our life together. If not for You, whatever we do would just be vanity, and grasping for the wind.

Abba Father, You are my world...

11.10.09

2009-10-11T18:29:00.004+08:00

"...I've been waiting my whole life for the right guy to come along...and then you showed up, and you're nothing like the man I imagined. You're cynical and cranky and impossible. But the truth is fighting with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I think there's a very good chance that I'm falling in love with you." a love confession from the movie, 27 Dresses.

Just watched the movie I bought some time back. It caught my attention. Why? For me to know, and for you to find out. Anyway, it also reminded me of the sermon this morning.

I believe it's true that sometimes through an argument we begin to define things. It could be what certain thing or person mean to us, why do we really behave in a certain way, or what is our true motives in doing something.

If we're truly honest to God and to ourselves, and would rather be hurt by the truth than make ourselves happy with delusive lies, then I think we are closer to moving towards "...the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ." (Eph 4:13)

We need to know where we are before we can find the way to where we wanna go, right?

Ps Yang quoted a verse this morning at the end of his message. Ecclesiastes 4:13 says, "Better a poor and wise youth than an old and foolish king who will be admonished no more." The youth referring to David, while the old and foolish king, to Saul.

I think it's ok to argue to exchange different views about things, about each others. Take it as a debate to find out the truth...and may I add, in love and grace, not to make us look better, right-er. And if from it reveals certain flaws or misconceptions, then be open to correction. It takes courage to accept our weaknesses and make necessary change, especially if it's from somebody we don't want to hear it from. Sometimes God brings those irritating people to show us who we really are, so that we will be broken and come to Him for forgiveness and ask for grace to repent.

We are working towards perfection, so none of us are perfect yet. None of us has perfect knowledge on anything, only God is omniscient. We should not despise the ignorant or sinner cos we know we ourselves do not measure up to the stature of the fullness of Christ.

..........

Ok, a little something on the side. After 2nd service, I rushed off to a colleague's wedding at Rasa Sentosa. Was deciding whether to drive down or leave my car at Church and cab down. With much confusion from arranging for transportation, I finally decided that I should just take Matrix for a 'shower' to clean off the mess-ive bird bombs (ok, not related), drive in to Sentosa, park at Tourism Academy of Sentosa and take one of the internal transport options.

Kenneth, sorry for waking you up from your sleep to ask you about the tram, only to take cab instead. I was 'inspired' by an alighting passenger outside TAS just before I drove up to the parking lot. Cost me $3.80, and not forgetting the super expensive lunch! The most expensive buffet evveeerrr! Haha...

Anyway, I just wanna say, it's my first time driving into Sentosa...pat pat on the back! Must take picture of the place I parked! Lol!!!

The Paradox Of Self-Sufficiency

2009-09-28T13:21:00.008+08:00

I just read a winning essay on "What The Modern Woman Want..." by a 15-year old Singaporean girl. It was really well-written and it made my heart heavy just reading it. It's about a successful modern woman who was, by the end of the essay, too successful to include her old mother in search of greater happiness in her career, marriage, and life of luxurious pleasures.

I feel sad for the mother, and sadder because it could well easily be a true reflection of life lacking in moral values. I'm not activist in filial piety. I know I have caused much grief to my parents with my ignorance and selfishness, anger not controlled enough to attain the 'honour your parents' part of the ten commandments I'm still learning to obey. But time is too short to dwell with regrets. I'd rather redeem it with repentence and change. But that'll take another separate post altogether.

My purpose of this post pertains actually to a short paragraph after the essay, probably just a comment enclosed by a reader:

"So fellow friends, save enough for your old age and don't try to rely on your children. Your responsibility is to give them the necessary education/training and life after that is theirs. If they chose to look after you, it is a bonus and thank the gods for it."

In reading this, I can't help but be amazed by the God I worship and adore, who gave the commandment to honour our parents, leaving the responsibility of caregiving to the children. Apparently, this is the only commandment that comes with a blessing (that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you) . It's the kind of blessing that only God alone can promise and deliver. And when He promise something, He will definitely deliver, sometimes more than we could ever imagine.

I'm awed by the fact that this is also the God who, in His instructions to His people, includes caring for people like widows and orphans. The God who raise His vengence through the generations is the same God who meticulously and thoughtfully ensures that the needy are taken care of, whether you are His people, or strangers from another land. His hands are wide enough to have you under the shadow of His wings.

Perhaps people nowadays, even the so-called widows and orphans, are no longer, or would rather not be grouped under the category of the 'less fortunate'. Self-sufficiency and independence are the coveted state people would work hard and sacrificed any other things for, including relationships with people and God. Beyond that, materialistic pleasures are sought after and envisioned as immediate, short-termed and long-termed plans to attain.

2 Timothy 3:1-5
1But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!

God has pre-warned us of the perilous end times (already happening) where men will become lovers of pleasure and any self-satisfying things...anything other than becoming lovers of God. Ironically, in a pursuit for self-sufficiency, and more so as individuals perceived to get nearer to the goal, it is where we actually need God the most.

Go, Send Or Disobey

2009-09-23T18:37:00.002+08:00

Know my heart for you. Do not be afraid to be convicted (never condemned) by the Holy Spirit.

"Go, send or disobey." - John Piper

Proverbs 24:11, the wise King said, "Deliver those who are drawn toward death, and hold back those stumbling to the slaughter."

Cynthasizer

2009-09-15T21:03:00.003+08:00

This is the first time I saw it spelt out.

Was chatting on FB with Joe, our sound guy all the way from Shillong, India. Then out of no where, he just called me 'Cynthasizer'. I was like? Oh gosh, that's was what the guys from the Worship Ministry used to call me. You see, I used to play the keyboard for Church in the early years. Haha... Brings back some fond memory...

It's been a while. I miss Jonathan Lim, Derek Chan (mali chan) and Paul Huang. And Victor, and Hanhua, and Stephanie...and many more.

People come, people go. I'm glad my Jesus is the same and always with me yesterday, today, and forever.

Ninth Elevens

2009-09-12T03:02:00.000+08:00

I forgot to blog on another important date. Sep 11. But I shall not go too much into it. I'm sure many are solemn in remembrance of those who were sacrificed that day. It's already the ninth one this year and in 2 years, there will be many 10th anniversary of the passing on that same fateful day.

So why do I not learn from the mistake and forgot again? Well, I have been busy packing my cluttered room the whole of yesterday. Took leave for the past 2 days just to do that but was too lazy on Thursday. Anyway, I managed to 'surrender' 3 big piles of stuff, like magazines, books, floppy disks (I'm serious). One more yellow plastic bag on the way to be filled.

I'm also cataloging my books, music and movies, can you believe that? It's so tedious, mind you. And my personal library is surprisingly huge. I want to cry... See lah, buy, buy, buy!!! But I'm repenting, hence this 'spring' cleaning. I'm working towards a more simple life. GOD HELP ME!

Anyway, cell group meeting today was at Caleb's. Wanted to show them pictures of my Philippines misson

My room is still a mess, but I really need to sleep. A long day tomorrow. Worship Ministry Team Leaders meeting 12.30pm, rehearsal from 2.30pm, Saturday Service around 5pm to 7pm, Dinner with Ps Rupert and one of the worship bands along Katong, then it's off to Mui's to celebrate dad's 70th birthday! How cool is that? Haha...wait for me to cut cake ar! :P

A Day After 09.09.09

2009-09-10T18:57:00.000+08:00

It's down time for me today, and I think it started since yesterday.

You know things are obviously not well when you feel all the should have's and could have's all through the day, and you keep putting off things you need to do before you even tell yourself you are going to put them off.

I feel like just going to sleep now and start with a brand new day just to make me feel better. Sigh...but what's the point? Then I'd just be putting it off again.

Vicious cycle.

So I'm just blogging this to remind myself that on the day after the day that I was supposed to blog because I told myself (for the whole day) I wanted to blog on a day with beautiful date (09.09.09) *take a deep breath* of what a terrible strings of decisions I've made. Hopefully, it'll help to minimize recurrence.

I felt like Roman 7:15, "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do"

Or maybe I've overrated myself. But I really need to dial the 999 of the line above.

Picnic @ Pasir Ris Park

2009-09-06T15:40:00.004+08:00

I love picnics. I think I got it from living in Perth for 3 years, where it's near to the Swan River (not lake), and a huge green pasture called the Esplanade. It's big enough to house a kite festival.

Usually during fall or spring season, we'll frequent the area for picnics or barbeque (actually it's more like hotplate and it's free) at this park. It's nice to sit under clear blue sky with cool breeze, and nice grass to sit on.

Maybe it's about re-living the feeling of the good old days that I've brought this interest back with me to Singapore. When I first got Matrix, I bought 2 picnic umbrella from IKEA sale, and I've got picnic mats too.

So my colleagues and I planned for a picnic a couple of weeks ago and it actually came to pass yesterday! We each contribute different kinds of food to share. As for me, I made vegetarian stir-fry Korean vermicelli. I wanted to put minced pork but one of my colleague's a vegetarian. Yeah, it was home-cooked alright, not bought from food stall hor. I'm glad all of them liked it. I thought it was pretty good, too. :P

We had a lot of other food - nasi lemak, vegetarian bee hoon, sushi, otah, oranges, bananas, donuts. See...

Closer view of the sumptuous spread :P

Waaaa...all of us were so full by the time we finish up the food. We also played Taboo, and it was really fun, even though we only played a few rounds.

Really thank God that the weather was really cooling. There was a small patch of dark clouds above our area, but it dispersed after a while and didn't rain at all during the time we were there. It was a late afternoon picnic so we only stayed for a few hours and left around 7.30pm.

I had a good time, and I believe the rest enjoyed it, too. And we might just do this again. Hopefully Catherine and more others could join in, too. On our way back in my car, it was funny that we said we would do a debrief and feedback on how to improve our next picnic session...and I offered to do up a feedback form. We've definitely internalized some of our 'work ethics'. Lol...

Fit To Be A Ninang?

2009-09-03T12:49:00.003+08:00

My sister say I look like a teacher in this photo, haha!

This morning I had a short online chat with Sis Jane from the Philippines and got to know that Ps Winston's wife, Mary Jane, has delivered a healthy baby girl yesterday (2 Sep 09) morning. I was anxiously waiting for the good news for the whole of yesterday, but those I chatted with didn't seem to know. So was really glad for the confirmation today.

Then shortly after, an sms from Maureen really made my day. She conveyed that the baby is named Esther Faith! I was absolutely thrilled, cos last week, over an online chat with Ps Winston, I suggested that name! And I told him in our most recent chat that it was also the first name that Maureen blurted out when I only mentioned to her that I suggested "Faith" (his first girl, Eunice, has a middle name, 'Hope', and faith was much needed for this one). A confirmation further confirmed by the parents themselves. Haha!

Sooooo happy! Haha! I think I'm going to be in a super good mood today, hee hee...

So happy that I told Maureen I want to be the godma, hur hur... But hor, what does it really mean to be a Ninang in the Filippino context? I read that there are people who are invited to be a ninang/ninong (for men), but got people self-invite and asked to be one? Will I qualify even if I'm not rich? :P

Hmmm, food for thought...

Not Just A Fascination, Please!

2009-08-30T19:39:00.007+08:00

I'm still very much yearning for a chance to be in the Philippines again, in particularly, Santiago, where our mission team was at for the first 6 days of our trip in the middle of this month.

The whole experience of being there and being involved together with these great people who embraced God's purpose to reach out to the community just stirred up this longing within me. My heart is telling me I want to do more than what we put our hands into for that week. God has opened my eyes wide and what I saw and experienced have made, and are still making, a deep impact in me.

And plus they're celebrating the Cornerstone Church's 5th anniversary with Pst Yang and 'gang' going over just makes my heart itch with the desire to be there.

During the trip, for a few hours after the Sunday Service where I preached at, I had a chance to sit down with Cristina, DaBen and JoBoy from the worship team. We were working on the harmony parts for a song that they're going to teach the new Choir, United Sound, that was to be launched at the anniversary and a combined meeting (Colors) the day before. They were so eager to learn and humbly teachable, it was really pure joy just imparting to them as much as I could.

Sis Jane (DaBen and JoBoy's mom), me, Cristina, JoBoy and DaBen

It's not easy to teach something that you've not been formally trained, but somehow, one thing just led to another that by the end of the session, we not only completed the task, but they were also able to grasp the concept and worked out some parts themselves. I wish I had the time to do more, but God is good. He'll use whatever they've received and multiply it for His glory because of their humility and faithfulness. :D

Last Friday we worked on another one through exchange of email attachments. They seem to have really gotten a hang of it, and just needed fine-tuning for a few notes. I last heard they were progressing well, and the singers are catching the parts. Praise God!

I hope my wanting to attend the anniversary events is not a self-centred wish to see the fruit of my labour. Though honestly, who wouldn't want to witness the fruit of one's labour? But I believe it's more than that - it's to be able to celebrate the success of good friends knitted by the hearts.

Is it true that the first is always the most memorable? Maybe. During and after the trip, I told God that I want it to be more than just memorable. I'm not satisfied with just temporal fascination that's not going to do any good, or cause any permanent spiritual change. Maybe that's why I don't have the desire to travel to different countries for sightseeing or shopping trip - that is, and even, if I have the money.

This trip has definitely changed my mindset on almost everything that I was exposed to. It has enlarged my heart and opened my eyes to see things in a way that is pushing me forward spiritually. I'm still in the process of being transformed and I hope I will faithfully stay on the right path.

I pray that I will not let my current circumstances distract me. On the other hand, I pray that my desire to go will not cause me to 'despise' or neglect what needs to be done back home, especially in my job. I need to let go and commit it to God's plan and timing.

Hence, having said all these, I pray most of all that I will hit the mark for God's calling in my life (still searching), even if the Philippines is not part of the future plans. I will be sad, but it's more important to be obey.

I want to be found faithfully doing whatever I would want to be found doing if Jesus were to be coming again in the next 24 hours.

I Want To "GO" Again

2009-08-24T12:36:00.008+08:00

My thoughts are still slowly settling with the experiences from a mission (exposure) trip which I got back from a couple of days ago. Touched down Singapore at about 1.30am, followed by a series of events scheduled over the weekends. Attending a wake tonight. Haven't had time to blog about it. Like I said, I'll need more time to organise my thoughts.

But just a little prelude...

The 9 days spent at the Philippines (Santiago and Manila) were meaningful ones filled with thought-provoking moments and self-challenges blessed with God's grace. After 19 years of being with my Church, this is the first time I stepped into the mission field.

I'd never really felt compelled to go for one. This might sound a little superficial - I always thought that going for an overseas mission trip is like a 'rite of passage' for every believer. In simple words, I feel kinda lousy when I hear of the exciting stories of Church friends returning, but somehow, I was never convicted to join the ones before this. I try to encourage myself that one can be called to local 'mission fields' like workplace, school, at home, etc. I'm probably not totally wrong.

Anyway, there was a call for the Philippines trip under our cluster. It was an exposure trip and I thought it to be suitable because I've never been to one. Humbly labelled under 'exposure' kinda also lowers the expectation, well as far as I am concerned. My 3 other team mates (excluding the coordinator) were like me, in that this is our first time to the Philippines, and our first mission trip.

Till I can pen down more about the trip, I can only say that my heart for the mission field has been opened. I pray that God will bring me back out again. You know, I never liked overseas vacation trips. Even before this trip to the Philippines, I dread thinking of having to pack and unpack, and especially all the backlog of work in the office when I get back. It's just not worth the money. But when it is to meet with people you miss and with a meaningful purpose, it's a different story. I met many earthly 'heroes' - faithful workers of God's redeeming love.

Indeed, as our Pastors and leaders have been telling us, "many are called, few are chosen." And from there, how many can be counted as faithful?

I want to "GO" more. I'm going to think of a list of practical and viable ways to enable me to do it again. Yes, my 'new year' resolution list is in the making, or should I say, it's in the...listing! :P

Whining For Faith

2009-08-12T16:49:00.004+08:00

Strangely, I'm feeling a little morbid.

I'm just going to be away for 9 days to The Philippines but while I'm packing and settling things at work, bills, travel insurance, it feels as if I won't be coming back again. In less than 8 hours, I'll be on Cebu Pacific to Manila, and then a 8-hour bus ride to Santiago. Yeah, I know, it's going to be a bum-numbing journey.

Seriously, I don't know what to expect. Our schedule is not by the hour, not like Church Camp. In a more positive tone, I'm trusting God for His provision and protection. On a not so faith-full sentiment, I feel like I'm a fat lamb on the way to the slaughter house. A death of the unwanted stuff in me. Pride, self-confidence (not that I have much to start with), self-sufficiency. Self. Period.

Suddenly, what you think you have, you're kinda losing it. And what you think you don't have, of all days, you're right. It's a test of simple faith that doesn't feel so simple. It's probably me complicating it out of proportion. If Apostle Paul is reading this post, he probably won't understand.

I'm going with an expectation of a life-changing experiences. I hope to bring back permanent radicality in me that'll sustain my earthly life towards eternal victory in Christ. If you're praying for me, this is what I would like you to pray for.

Papa, You promised You'll never leave nor forsake me. I'm going to take Your word for it. I just hope that I won't let You down. Work in me and through me, k? Lead me to where You are...where You want me to be.

I'm whining for faith, strength and hope. Spirit of love, power, and sound mind to counter the spirit of fear and apprehension. I need...THE JOY OF THE LORD!

What Matters Most

2009-08-08T14:09:00.002+08:00

Sang at Ben and Jaslyn's wedding this morning. Was part of the worship team. It was quite different from usual service worship session. Most of the people just stood there. But God was there to grace the event so I had a good time. You know you've done well when the Guest of Honour enjoys the 'performance'. That's all that mattered, and it would be more than enough.

Blessed Birthday, Singapore!

2009-08-06T13:19:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday, August!

2009-08-05T09:32:00.003+08:00

Do You Know My King?

2009-07-30T10:36:00.003+08:00

Lovers Versus Prostitutes

2009-07-28T10:23:00.002+08:00

A thought-provoking short passage about the relationship between The Church and her Bridegroom. Incidentally, reading it also caused me to ponder a little on our relationship with people around us to a certain extent.

Are our relationship with people (we think) we love based on material benefits we can get out of it, or just because we simply enjoy their company. Or do we not mind something less?

Anyway, here's the 'short passage'...

By David Ryser:

“A number of years ago, I had the privilege of teaching at a School of Ministry. My students were hungry for God, and I was constantly searching for ways to challenge them to fall more in love with Jesus and to become voices for revival in the Church. I came across a quote attributed most often to Rev. Sam Pascoe. It’s a short version of the history of Christianity, and it goes like this:

“Christianity started in Palestine as a fellowship; it moved to Greece and became a philosophy; it moved to Italy and became an institution; it moved to Europe and became a culture; it came to America and became an enterprise. Some of the students were only 18 or 19 years old and I wanted them to understand and appreciate the import of the last line, so I clarified it by adding: An enterprise. That’s a business. After a few moments, Martha, the youngest student in the class, raised her hand. I could not imagine what her question might be. I thought the little explanation was self-explanatory. Martha asked a simple question, ‘A business? But isn’t the church supposed to be a Body?’ I could not envision where this line of questioning was going, and the only response I could think of was, ‘Yes.’ She continued, ‘But when a body becomes a business, isn’t that a prostitute?’ The room went dead silent. For several seconds no one moved or spoke. We were stunned, afraid to make a sound because the presence of God had flooded into the room, and we knew we were on holy ground. All I could think in those sacred moments was, ‘Wow, I wish I’d thought of that.’ I didn’t dare express that thought aloud. God had taken over the class. Martha’s question changed my life.

“For six months, I thought about her question at least once every day. ‘When a body becomes a business, isn’t that a prostitute?" There’s only one answer to her question. The answer is ‘Yes.’ The Church, tragically, is full of people who do not love God. How can we love Him when we don’t even know Him? And I mean really know Him. The root of this condition originates in how most of us came to God. Most of us came to Him because of what we were told He would do for us. We were promised that He would bless us in life and take us to heaven after death. We married Him for His money, and we don’t care if He lives or dies as long as we can get His stuff. We have made the Kingdom of God into a business, merchandising His anointing. This should not be. We’re commanded to love God, and are called to be the Bride of Christ – that’s pretty intimate stuff. We’re supposed to be His lovers. How can we love someone we don’t even know? And even if we do know someone, is that a guarantee that we truly love them? Are we lovers or prostitutes? Think about this will you?”

My Day

2009-07-22T01:38:00.002+08:00

It was really delightful to receive so many birthday wishes on Facebook. For the record, it was on Monday, 20 Jul. So here I am writing about it, lol...

Actually, celebration started on Friday. Colleagues gave me a lunch treat. Let's see, Catherine, Fayanne, Hwee Hoon, Sheena and Anne. We went to this vegetarian eatery opposite TP. Some of the dishes we ordered were really good. Look at the photo, what a spread!

Fayanne made me a chocolate cheese cake which I took home 1/4 of it. Said she stayed up till 2am for it. So touched :~) Then they bought me and one of our temp staff, Samantha (we shared the same birthday) a cake (my favourite kind) and went through the usual whole-office-sing-birthday-song 'ritual'. Haha...

Sunday after Prison Ministry, went home to pick up mom and dad and we went to Mui's house where the family celebrated for me with another cake (that's like the 3rd one before my actual birthday)

With nieces and nephews

With mom and sisters

Took leave on my birthday on Monday. Had an appointment at California Fitness Centre due to this birthday treat promotion 14-day free trial. Anyway, most of the time spent there was talking to the personal trainer who showed me around to try out some equipment and did a physical profiling, and the sales guy. They tried really hard to get me to sign up a membership and personal training package, but respectfully, after much thought, I decided not to.

After that I went to have my late lunch at Marina Square's Xin Wang Hong Kong Cafe. Had my favourite red bean ice, of course. I had this $15 member's birthday coupon so after a full meal, I only paid $5. Also had a bit of $XW to redeem.

My half full/empty red bean ice

Tried this fried fish slice bee hoon soup, plus the best bean curd skin roll with prawn filling (already ate one), and pork rib dim sum (not in photo).

Final destination was Attitude Plus, the shop that I usually get my clothes. Both lady bosses were in that day. I had a good time with them while trying on some new range. They even bought me a slice of cake from Secret Recipe after I told them I took leave today for my birthday. I ended hanging out there to chit chat with them till the shop closed.

Amazing...if not for this place, I'd still be wearing t-shirt and denim skirt to work everyday. Lol...

Me with Yizhen, Linda and Joanne

So that ended my day out.